Sleep With the Thug, Marry the Good Guy

You Sex The Bad Boy Not Marry Him

Songs like this make me want to slap whoever writes them. Unfortunately too many women practice this kind of garbage. There’s a very simple rule to live by: You sleep with the thug. You marry the good guy.

And no, before anybody starts fussin’ I don’t literally mean a thug, I just mean a playboy, bad boy or however you want to refer to those men you know you have no business being with, though the sex may be good.

The lyrics are telling:

If I could… could forget him
I would… please believe me
And I know that I should throw the towel in
But baby it’s not… not that easy
You treat me so much better than him
And if I was sane there’d be no competition
But… but I’m in love with someone else
And I’m so sorry
I’m in love with another man
And I know it aint right

I can’t explain why it’s him and not you
But at the end of the day baby I just don’t want to
Cause he aint no doctor
And we always seem to fight, he got the perfect body
And sometimes he don’t even treat me right
Oh but when I’m with him, but when I’m with him
When I’m with him, aint nobody else like it
I’m so sorry baby that I have to do this to you
But I can’t go on pretending…
Cause I love him, I love him
And I’m so sorry… do you hear me?

Who the hell leaves a doctor for some guy who doesn’t treat you right, you argue with, and isn’t going anywhere? What…because you love him…yeah…okay. That isn’t love Sullivan is singing about. That’s lust mixed with a healthy dose of stupidity.

The kind of “love” Sullivan is singing about will have you knocked up, alone, with an STD while your man is off “loving” someone else. No woman in her right mind leaves the man who has been good to her, taken good care of her, is looking to marry her for the guy who the only thing he has to offer is that he has the “perfect body” and can blow your back out.

The difference between being a grown woman and still thinking like a child is knowing everything that looks good (or feels good) to you ain’t good for you. If you’re thinking long term then you know Mr. Dependable always wins out over Mr. Feel Good. As a matter of fact it wouldn’t even be a competition.

Grown women know, even if you sleep with the thug, you don’t break up with the good guy. You get thug-boy out your system and you marry your man. While I don’t advocate cheating, I advocate stupidity even less. To any woman who would find herself in this situation I’d say: Grow the hell up. Your future is worth more than a good lay.

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Turns Out, You Should Tell Him to “Put a Ring On It”

Tell Him To Put A Ring On It

Last week we learned about the six guidelines for women to get married according to John T. Molloy and the research he conducted for his book, Why Men Marry Some Men and Not Others. That post focused on guideline 5: Keep in shape, watch your weight, and take care of your appearance.

This week I’m focusing on the #1 guideline women need to follow if they want to get married and that is to “insist on it.” Turns out, you have to tell the guy to “put a ring on it,” or it’s just not going to happen. When

When Mollow looked at men who had dated a woman for years and didn’t marry her and then turned around and married the next woman he dated after a very short amount of time, the difference was that the second woman made the guy commit early on in the relationship. She put it on the table that being with her meant marriage and after a designated period of time if he wasn’t proposing, she was walking.

Molloy readily recommends women being up front with their expectation of marriage, setting a date for the commitment to happen and then walking if it doesn’t:

If you meet a man who has had a long-term relationship, make it clear to him that if he dates you for a certain length of time, you’ll expect a ring. If he doesn’t understand that, you haven’t done your job. Don’t think his affirmative response to such a declaration is a precursor to his making a commitment. He’s strung many women along, and he may try it with you. If after six months you don’t have a firm commitment, leave.

Time is not on your side in the marriage lottery and Mollow stresses time and time again that wasting your time in a going nowhere relationship or with a man who isn’t looking to get married is marital suicide. Don’t do it to yourself. There’s no shame in leting your sgnificant other know that, “look, being with me means marriage.” If he balks at the idea then you know you need to keep it stepping and send him packing. To quote Beyonce: If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it.

Sex: The Ultimate Relationship Deal Breaker

The Ultimate Relationship Deal Breaker

Sex in a relationship is a lot like the US at the UN – even if the rest of the relationship is great, if the sex is bad then there is no deal. I’ve heard many women argue that you can have a great relationship even if you’re not setting the bedroom on fire. I say those women must not know what good sex is really like.

There are a lot of things I may compromise on in a relationship: age, looks, height…but sex…that’s way too important an aspect of any relationship to settle for anything but the best. Some may argue that it’s possible to teach an old dog new tricks so to speak, but I don’t want to be in the teaching business. It’s one thing to teach you what pleases me, it’s another to have to teach you the basics.

I personally know of a few couples who are basically in sexless marriages and no, I’m not talking about couples who have been married for twenty+ years (not like that’s an excuse), but young recently married couples who are all perfectly healthy. It’s a situation I can’t even fathom and with money and sex being the number 1 and number 2 reasons for divorce in this country it’s not a situation I think those couples will be living for much longer.

Bad sex (or no sex) is just not an option. While no one is suggesting cheating is okay, if you’re not doing your part in the bedroom it is a surefire way to send someone out the door permanently or into someone else’s arm. Someone once asked me if everything else was perfect in a relationship and the sex was bad…would I stay? My response was simple: Hell No. In that scenario the relationship wouldn’t be perfect and we’d be better off as friends. If we ain’t lighting up the sheets, we can’t do much of anything else either.

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3 Reasons Why Marriage Isn’t the Answer

Marriage Doesn’t Automatically Fix Anything

Contrary to popular belief, marriage is not a panacea. Conventional wisdom dictates that if women just married and stopped having all of those out of wedlock kids, the black community would be okay. Problems solved or at least on the way to being solved. The problem with this way of thinking is it overlooks some very basic facts:

1. Lack of marriage isn’t the problem – Lack of economic opportunity is

What comes first: marriage or a job? The answer is: a job. There are large swaths of the black community, black males in particular, that are chronically underemployed or unemployed. The reasons behind this chronic unemployment is best left for another blog post, but the results are these men aren’t marriage material. Women won’t marry men who can’t hold down a well-paying job and by well-paying I mean above minimum wage. The greatest factor on whether a lower class/working class woman will marry her child’s father is if he has a job that will bring in a middle-class income.

Now you may argue why are women having babies from men who aren’t marriageable, they should just keep their legs closed and hold out for better. The reality however is that people meet, date and marry within their socioeconomic class. If these women weren’t dating and mating with these men who would they date and mate with? Are we going to suggest that a certain class of women (which make u the bulk of the black community) should not have children…ever? Are we going to penalize women because the many men in their class tier aren’t husband and/or father material?

2. Partnering while poor is difficult and doesn’t prevent your children from suffering the same ills as their out of wedlock peers

This is the one no one talks about when their touting the need for marriage in the black community. Kids who are born to poor married parents suffer the exact same ills as those kids who are born out of wedlock. If marriage was such an an inoculation to issues such as dropping out of high school and teen pregnancy than kids who were born poor, but to married families, would do better than their single parent counterparts. The reality is they don’t. The reason being it’s their socioeconomic status is the problem not their marital status.

Not only that, but marriages among the poor/working class have a much higher divorce rate than other socioeconomic brackets. Partnering while poor is difficult. The constant stress of money takes its toll on the marriage. So even if you do marry, have your child, there is greater likelihood that you will be divorced and end up as a single parent anyway. No one seems to talk about that aspect of marriage. People do divorce…then you’re a single parent…now what?

3. Among college-educated women who are working less than 10% of them live in poverty

The best thing that can be done for a low-income woman is not to have her marry her baby daddy, but to increase here earning potential through education and job training. Marriage to a low-income man does nothing to boost her lot in life, but can add stress and possible domestic violence issues because of the stress of having little money has on the marriage. However, education and job training greatly increases the likelihood she can create a better life for herself, her children and by moving up the socioeconomic ladder also increases the likelihood she can meet a marry a qualified partner.

So, as you can see, marriage really isn’t the answer, at least when it is not accompanied by economic stability. Saying “I do” is no guarantee that your kids are going to grow up and live happy healthy, middle-class lives. To really get marriage back on track, particularly in the lower classes you’d have to fix the economic problems first and then and only then can you begin to tackle the other issues that hamper marriage in the black community.

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The Mistress Speaks: I’m the Product of an Affair

Stories of Mistresses: I’m a Product of an Affair

Here is the final installment of our The Mistress Speaks series. The following is a story that was sent to me, unchanged, except for removing any identifying information. Enjoy!

I think neither one wins – being a side piece is never good and when it all balls down, the woman always thinks he will leave his man squeeze for her. They think they have the magic coochie – which is far from the truth. usually the other woman does everything the man doesn’t want his main chick to do. Yeah, the man chick my have his heart, but she doesn’t have his respect. I’m product of my mother being the other woman.

After my father got finish doing what he wanted with my mother, he left and never came back. My mother was left looking stupid and raising me on her own. I asked her, what did you think, by having me he would stay? She never answer, but I believe she thought she had something special and he would leave his wife and two kids for her. NOT!!

I disagree with my mother all the time, her favorite comment is a man will have many girlfriends but will only take one wife. I think that is so crazy and woman that believe that, doesn’t believe they are worthy of being the only one – they feel they have to lower their standards to have a man. I think NOT! I rather be alone and happy then be with someone who strays every now and then – turns around and buy expensive things for me to keep me happy.

Tiny is only dealing with TI because has money and she has nothing. What really bothers me the most is that she has not self-respect for herself that she will allow this man to go into her raw and have his kids, no dag on well, he is sleeping around. Condom or NOT, AIDS IS REAL!!What are you teaching your daughter and your sons. No one wins, the only one that wins, if the one that will not tolerate men cheating on them constantly and thinks it’s okay.

The Mistress Speaks: When the Man Catches Feelings

Stories of Mistresses: When the Man Catches Feelings

Here is the seventh installment of our The Mistress Speaks series. The following is a story that was sent to me, unchanged, except for removing any identifying information. Enjoy!

I’ve been the other woman, and when it all balls down, you lose who you truly are. Being the other woman only shows you how much you truly love yourself. I was tired of cheating men and giving my all and getting nothing in return. I just wanted to do me for once and play on my terms.

I went it knowing he had a girl on the side. She wasn’t his wife, so I basically didn’t care. We started out talking as friends, sharing advice, but there was always an attraction between us. It took us 11 months before we became sexual. What I wanted was discussed up front, and what he could give me or provide was discussed. We both were in agreement with the situation.

I basically had the same benefits his main girl. I had the dinner dates, out of town trips, getting bills paid, hanging out with his friend and mines, spending time at my place or his place. Holidays were okay too, I got gifts, sometimes the same thing he brought her. I guess it was easy thinking for him. I was fine with this situation for over year and half because it provided me a stress-free relationship. It was an easy-go-lucky relationship, no stress, no pressure and no foolishness.

This type of relationship isn’t for the weak or other motives; thinking he is going to leave his girl for you, usually it rarely happens. If he leaves his girl for you, eventually he will leave you for someone else. So be prepared.

The problem comes when one talks too much or become too emotionally involved. In my case, the dude became too emotionally involved. Calling too much, wanting to know my every move, wanting more and saying I love you. I cared for dude, but honestly, he wasn’t what I wanted. Not someone to settle down with, why because Karma is bitch! I kept my end of the bargain up, I did what I set out to do, deal with a dude on my terms and treat them like they treated us for change. I kept my feelings intact and I made sure I didn’t read into every word he said, dude will say anything while he is in you and the sex is good. When dude started acting like the girl, fussing, questioning and dropping by unannounced, I knew things had gone too far.

Even though I liked dude, cared for him, I had no strong feelings for him, wanting more. More and more I thought about it, I realize, because of my past experience I became the other woman to prove a point to myself. I became someone I didn’t like or ever wanted to be.

So actually no one wins in the end.

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The Mistress Speaks: I’m Young and He’s Rich

Stories of Mistresses: I’m Young and He’s Rich

This is the sixth installment of our series The Mistress Speaks. The following is a story that was sent to me, unchanged, except for removing any identifying information. Enjoy!

I’m young. Just turned 22 last month. I’ve had two major relationships, both with men who took care of me (one was a ball player, one was in the music industry). I simply can’t see myself being with someone who can’t satisfy me in EVERY way possible. I know it sounds childish, foolish, silly, selfish and every other negative thing. However, I’ve come to terms with that’s how I am. I’ve been raised with money so it’s difficult to accept anything less.

Now, let me get to the point. I’ve known my current man since I was like 11, he was around 23. No, there was most definitely not any R. Kelly-ish going on…he was just my first innocent crush. We fell out of touch for a few years and linked back up when I was 21. The chemistry was automatic between us. He is very wealthy and not married, but living with his girlfriend and their son. They’ve had relationship problems in the past, and I know that’s no excuse but I care about him. Normally, I would be on the other side of the spectrum of this whole debate, but linking back up with him has taught me a lot.

In my case, I’m dealing with someone else’ man simply because I care about him too. Is it because he was my first crush? Is it because he’s a provider? Is it because he’s gorgeous? Who knows?! All I know is, I’ve cared about him more than the two aforementioned.

It is what it is

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The Mistress Speaks: When Being a Jumpoff Isn’t Enough

Stories of Mistresses: When Being a Jumpoff Isn’t Enough

This is the fifth installment of our series The Mistress Speaks. The following is a story that was sent to me, unchanged, except for removing any identifying information. Enjoy!

I Hate being a jumpoff. I did it once for a year for a man that i loved so much. We were together in high school and a couple years in college. We broke up b/c of distance issues. However, we reconnected about 3 years later, and the sparks were still there. But in those 3 years he met another woman, got married, and had a child. So we snuck around for an entire year without ever getting caught.

He would tell me he loved me, and wished he could be with me instead. We would take weekend trips out of town 2x a month, shacking up in hotels and ordering room service. He bought me gifts and the sex was mind-blowing… He made me feel so good. but every time he left to be with his family i would be crushed. The last straw was when i got pregnant by him.

He wanted me to have the baby, but he wasnt gonna leave his wife. Or even tell her for that matter. It was then that I realized that the way i felt when ever he was with his other family was the same way our child would feel. And I couldnt do that to my innocent child. So i made the difficult decision to terminate the pregnancy and terminate our relationship as well. I guess if the female has no feelings for the man shes sneaking around with, then being a jumpoff and getting no strings attatched sex would be great?? I dont know, because ive never been able to do it.

The Mistress Speaks: He Wanted His Cake and to Eat it too

Stories of Mistresses: He Wanted His Cake and to Eat it too

This is the fourth installment of our series The Mistress Speaks. The following is a story that was sent to me, unchanged, except for removing any identifying information. Enjoy!

So I read ur blog…really love it….wanted 2 tell my side. I was talking to a him for 4 yrs…I didn’t want anything from him other than time, a good screw and some bill money every once in a while. We started as friends back in college…after we graduated I moved to NY he stayed in Atlanta…we met up 5 years ago due to his mom passing with all the emotion we ended up having sex….its been on going until about one and a half yrs ago when I found out he got a girl pregnant….so he tells me she was a one night stand blah blah come to find out she is his wife! Of 6 yrs!!!!!! And this is his second child!

We didn’t talk for two months after I damn near killed him. But I found out I was pregnant told him, but later I lost my child and he was there with me every step of the way but then I began to feel guilty so I tried to push him away so he wouldn’t want to be bothered….which turned him on even more…..I ran into his wife about a 6mo ago…she knew who I was he had pictures of me in his office….I didn’t know that…..she explained she’s not mad but wants to know what I have that she doesn’t, I explained that’s between her and him I am not sure. I did apologize to her because even after I found out she was his wife I still talked to him….I told her our history together from college and I was honest to her.

We both confronted him fourth of July ….he invited me to his family cook out…..so I invited her!…….he told his wife he loved me from way back in school but couldn’t control me like he did her, she was good mother and wife material but I had the fire the ambition and the lust that she lacked….I would do things she wouldn’t and I would never hide my feelings……he explained how he wanted kids with me be knew I didn’t want any so he got everything he wanted but from two women..

He would throw me in her face if she did not want to have sex, little did she know I wasn’t having sex with him after I lost our child….I explained all of that to her I explained my position…I didn’t want anything but company I saw him as a friend with benefits basically nothing more no feelings no nothing…..long story short….he is divorcing….loosing his house…..and I haven’t spoke to him since….

Greed can kill you….and I think he learned from his mistake.

The Mistress Speaks: When the Main Woman Becomes the Other Woman

This is the third installment of our series The Mistress Speaks. The following is a story that was sent to me, unchanged, except for removing any identifying information. Enjoy!

Stories of Mistresses: When the Main Woman Becomes the Other Woman

I met him through the personal ads. We dated over a year and a half before we got married. Our wedding was a simple civil deal with my Mother and sister present. I thought we were happy until 2004. My world officially came to an end. He was sneaking around with a chick he found on the Internet. He asked for a separation and I obliged. Got my stuff and left without a fight. I knew of her before when I found an elusive email on the computer. Not to mention his personal on-line dating profile that profess that he was single. He broke my heart but I did a little snooping before I officially left. I found out that he had a receipt for a house that had her name on it. I memorized the address and kept on stepping.

He said that he needed to think, we could still date, and that she was just a friend. I called the 411 to get the number to the house when his mother let it be known that she meet the “new girl”. I confronted him about it and he had nothing to say. After months of silence, he came back to me in October 2004 professing that he messed up and that he wanted to work on our marriage. After three years of lying to myself that he was changing, I found out that he was still dealing with the other chick. We divorced last July 2007. He remarried in October 2007,and I was devastated.

The first of the year, I started getting phone calls from him to check on how I was doing. We still had some loose strings that we had to clear up. He kept saying that he missed me, wanted to see, and to touch me. I held out for as long as I could. I didn’t have any prospects because I still was in love with him and was trying to heal. I finally agreed to see him, and it has been on ever since. He doesn’t acknowledge that he is married. His wife ( my nemesis) caught a text that I sent about “rocking his mic”. I lied to her saying that it was just a joke and he probably diffuse that shit. Why do I mess around with him? Cause I can, I still have feelings for him, and to get back at chick who thinks she is above me. My eyes have been open to his ways. He is her problem, not mine!

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