Why You Can’t Compete With a Woman Like Joseline Hernandez

Joseline Hernandez Can’t Be Messed With

You can’t compete with a woman like Joseline Hernandez, Love & Hip Hop Atlanta’s breakout star and “Steebie” J’s newest artist. You can’t compete with her and you shouldn’t even try. Women like Joseline Hernandez don’t live by the same rules and accepted mores that govern the rest of us. There is no such thing as taken when it comes to a man they have set their sights on. There are no considerations for family or how their actions may destroy one or altogether impact the lives of those around them. Their morality meter is only tuned to their needs and their needs alone, everyone else be damned.

Read: Love and Hip Hop Atlanta: When You Love a Man Who’s Not Good for You

With that said, I don’t generally blame or even dislike the Joseline Hernandez’s of the world. Most of the times you can spot these women a mile away and they are often a product of their environments. Joseline’s mom tells how she wouldn’t allow a 13 year old Joseline back in the house unless she bought her money, roughly three hundred dollars on a regular basis. Where did the mom think a 13 year old girl was going to get that type of money? Really?

Also, while lacking the moral fiber many of us expect to be in place, they are often upfront and straightforward with their intentions. Like Joseline said on the Love and Hip Hop Reunion show, she’s only looking for “Dollars and Dick” from Steebie (okay Stevie) and if he wants to continue to rock with Mimi so be it. She even offered for Mimi to join them in the strip club when they were in therapy together. How sweet. So you see, a man can’t say he doesn’t know what he was getting when he has a Joseline in his life.

And that’s the real issue with the Joseline Hernandez’s of the world, it’s not that they exist, it’s that too many men are willing to give them a place and status in their lives. A woman can toss her vajayjay all day long, but if a man isn’t wearing a catcher’s mitt it doesn’t matter. Women too often want to complain of the “homewrecker” when the only person who had a home to wreck was the man who stepped out on his family. And when something like that happens too many women want to go into competition mode, a useless battle if ever there was one. How many times did Mimi try to appeal to Stevie J’s since of “rightness”? She was clearly the better chick. She was the mother of his child. She’d known him for fifteen years. She tried every reason in the book to convince Stevie she was where he needed to be and how did that work out for her?

The reason it was a losing battle before it even began comes down to one word: reciprocity. Most people expect a level of reciprocity in their relationships. Relationships are about give and take, you give a little, he gives a little and everyone gets (most) of their needs met. With Joseline, she worshiped ~~Steebie~~ Stevie J, no reciprocity needed. She jumped when he said jump. Fucked him when (and how) he wanted to be fucked. She called him Daddy in public for goodness sake. There wasn’t a damn thing Mimi could do to compete with the level of ego stroking Joseline was giving Stevie and that Stevie obviously needed. Game. Set. Match. It’s over.

Read: Women Propsoing: An Act of Desperation or Empowerment

I guess this is the part where I’m supposed to tell you how you can Joseline proof your relationship. Sorry to tell you…you can’t. The reality is if a woman like Joseline decides to set her sights on your man and you’re dating your own version of Stevie J – Game Over. And let’s be real, most women know when they have a Stevie J. on their hands, that’s why there is so much hate for the Joseline Hernandez’s of the world, they’re afraid their man is gonna be next.

In the end if presented with the option of trying to keep your man in the face of Joseline type competition or letting him go – Let. Him. Go. You’re not going to win. You’re just not. However, you could end up like Mimi, yelling at Stevie J. and Joseine outside of the club after realizing the two had more than a working relationship, telling him if he got in the car with that Bitch then she knew something. How do you think that ended?

Love & Hip Hop Atlanta: When You Love a Man Who’s Not Good for You

Love & Hip Hop Atlanta: Loving the Wrong Man

If we’ve learned anything from this season of Love & Hip Hop Atlanta is that hope springs eternal and the heart wants what the heart want even when what it wants is a low-down, no-good, lying, skeezy, slimy, whoring Son of a Bitch. It’s easy to watch Mimi and Joseline on Love & Hip Hop and think: What the Hell? I’d NEVER be that stupid. But the reality is most of us have been some version of stupid in out lives at some point

Lord knows I’ve kept men around past their expiration date. I’ve loved men who clearly didn’t love me back, and didn’t give them their walking papers when they did me all kinds of wrong. But watching the ladies of Love & Hip Hop Atlanta is especially painful. How many ways does Stevie J get to disrespect Mimi before she says enough is enough and move on. Erica seems to have woken up where Scrappy is concerned. She seems to be willing to move on, though clearly she still loves him.And Joseline. Well, I could write a whole dissertation on Joseline.

What annoys me the most where Mimi and Erica are concerned is how they use their children as justification for trying to make the relationship work. They want a family they say. But I call bullshit on that reasoning. Their children are just excuses to keep them hanging on to relationships that are bad for them and bad for their children In what world is it good to have Daddy around when Daddy is regularly disrespecting Mommy, so much so that Mommy is angry and hurt and crying all the time?

Do these ladies even stop to think what lessons they are teaching their young girls on how men should treat women? On what a healthy and loving relationship should like? On what being a real man really means? Two-parent households may be ideal, but not when one parent is clearly disrespecting the other. That’s never a good thing and their no positive outcomes from that family unit.

While it’s easy to pick and snicker and say how “I’d never do that, ” it’s much harder to take an honest look at your own life and relationship and see if you’re doing something similar to Mimi and Erica. Your man may not be disrespecting you on national TV, but are you be treated the way we all deserved to be treated? Are you allowing yourself to be marginalized and disrespected in other ways?

Are you clinging to a relationship that’s obviously done in the name of keeping a family together or “Because I love him?” It’s easy to point fingers, it’s much more difficult to admit you’re a little more like Mimi or Joseline or Erica than you want to admit.

And while we’re at it “Beacuse I love him” or its counterpart “But I love him” are not reasons to stay. So what you love him, the bigger questions is “Does he love you?” And no, I’m talking about what he says to you, I mean what he shows you. A man’s actions will always mean more than his words, simply the former is much harder to fake, while the latter is as simple as telling someone what they want to here.

If the answer than the question is no, then it’s time to move on. Contrary to popular belief love does not conquer all. And you only have to look at one episode of Love & Hip Hot Atlanta to understand that fact – cause really, what has all that love gotten any women on that show?

Exactly.

Do You Want a Wedding? Or Do You Want a Marriage?

Is It The Marriage Or Wedding You Want?

There’s a lot of hemming and hawing in the black blogsphere as well as in the mainstream media on how impossible it is for a black woman to get married (I’d argue it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, but that’s another post for another day). But one question I think black women should ask themselves if it’s a marriage they really want or is it a wedding?

I watch “Say yes to the Dress” and other wedding shows. And to me it always seems that the women have every detailed planned for their wedding, down to the color of the flowers going in the flower girls’ headpiece, but I wonder if they have put that much planning into their actual marriages.

I know plenty of black women who have every detail of their wedding planned, yet they have no man. I know women who were obsessing over wedding magazines, but had never had a conversation with their future spouse over how the finances are going to be handled. There are couples who spend tens of thousands of dollars on a wedding and all of its surrounding events, but have yet to have a conversation how many children they are going to have, if any.

A wedding is a day. A marriage (ideally) is a lifetime. If you don’t want to end up in the divorce statistics, you should spend more time planning for your marriage and less planning for a day that is more for the wedding guests then the couple getting married.

Here is a list of 20 questions you should ask before you get married. If you look at the list and realize you haven’t asked even half of these questions then you know the least of you concerns is the perfect color fo your bridesmaids’ dresses:

Question 1: What percentage of our income are we prepared to spend to purchase and maintain our home on a monthly or annual basis?

Question 2: Who is responsible for keeping our house and yard cared for and organized? Are we different in our needs for cleanliness and organization?

Question 3: How much money do we earn together? Now? In one year? In five years? Ten? Who is responsible for which portion? Now? In one year? Five? Ten?

Question 4: What is our ultimate financial goal regarding annual income, and when do we anticipate achieving it? By what means and through what efforts?

Question 5: What are our categories of expense (rent, clothing, insurance, travel)? How much do we spend monthly, annually, in each category? How much do we want to be able to spend?

Question 6: How much time will each of us spend at work, and during what hours? Do we begin work early? Will we prefer to work into the evening?

Question 7: If one of us doesn’t want to work, under what circumstances, if any, would that be okay?

Question 8: How ambitious are you? Are we comfortable with the other’s level of ambition?

Question 9: Am I comfortable giving and receiving love sexually? In sex, does my partner feel my love for him or her?

Question 10: Are we satisfied with the frequency of our lovemaking? How do we cope when our desire levels are unmatched? A little? A lot? For a night? A week? A month? A year? More?

Question 11: Do we eat meals together? Which ones? Who is responsible for the food shopping? Who prepares the meals? Who cleans up afterward?

Question 12: Is each of us happy with the other’s approach to health? Does one have habits or tendencies that concern the other (e.g., smoking, excessive dieting, poor diet)?

Question 13: What place does the other’s family play in our family life? How often do we visit or socialize together? If we have out-of-town relatives, will we ask them to visit us for extended periods? How often?

Question 14: If we have children, what kind of relationship do we hope our parents will have with their grandchildren? How much time will they spend together?

Question 15: Will we have children? If so, when? How many? How important is having children to each of us?

Question 16: How will having a child change the way we live now? Will we want to take time off from work, or work a reduced schedule? For how long? Will we need to rethink who is responsible for housekeeping?

Question 17: Are we satisfied with the quality and quantity of friends we currently have? Would we like to be more involved socially? Are we overwhelmed socially and need to cut back on such commitments?

Question 18: What are my partner’s needs for cultivating or maintaining friendships outside our relationship? Is it easy for me to support those needs, or do they bother me in any way?

Question 19: Do we share a religion? Do we belong to a church, synagogue, mosque or temple? More than one? If not, would our relationship benefit from such an affiliation?

Question 20: Does one of us have an individual spiritual practice? Is the practice and the time devoted to it acceptable to the other? Does each partner understand and respect the other’s choices?

Relationship Advice: Smart Women Marry for Money

Smart Women Marry For Money

Black women and marriage are consistently a hot topic online and off. However much of the topic tends to be on the low marriage rates among black women and not on the reasons and they type of men black women should marry. While there are many reasons women should marry, when it comes to black women, marriage and the factors that go into such a decision, money is definitely one the many factors for marriage that need to be discussed.

Money and sex happen to be the number 1 and number 2 reasons for divorce in this country, yet they are also the two things folk like to pretend aren’t that important in a relationship. I’ve already made it clear that I think sex is a relationship deal breaker and to that I will add that a woman who doesn’t evaluate her future spouses earning potential is a plum fool. And no, this isn’t about marrying solely for money…any woman who does so will earn every penny of it…but it is about recognize that your choice in souse will be one of the most important financial decision you make.

We’ve all been weaned on fairytales and Hollywood fantasies where love conquers all, but last time checked the chick in the fairytale was marrying a prince and rarely does a Holllywood movie leave people broke and happy. And before anyone decides to tell me how their parents and grandparents were married for twenty-five years and were happy as a lark, I will say that may be true (doubtful but true), but I promise you they didn’t want to struggle. They may have made the best with the hand that was dealt them, but I guarantee that no one wants to struggle. No one says, “Hey can I have a helping of struggle with a side of stress and despair please,” as they are starting off in life.

A man’s earning potential is one of many factors that has to be evaluated before marriage can be considered. Like it or not this is still a patriarchal society we live in. Women still get paid less for similar work, can still hit the glass ceiling in corporate America and often have to choose between being a mommy and having a high powered career. We still ask the question can women have it all and as long as we’re asking the question the answer is a resounding NO…at least not at the same time. There’s a reason why medical schools and law schools are rough;y 50% female, yet when you look at hospitals and law firms across the country they aren’t reflective of that fact. Many high earning women marry high earning men and once the children show up their careers take a backseat. Even many of those who continue to work do so on a part-time basis.

And even if you want to continue your career then you’re going to have to have appropriate child care and that costs quite a bit of money as well. Either way you turn the need to make a smart financial choice in a spouse (for those who want marriage) is absolutely necessary. This idea that he’s a “good man” but he’s barely making above minimum wage is a joke. He may be a good man, but he is not ready to be a husband. Basic test: if a man is not in a position to provide the basics for a family – food, clothing and shelter – then he is not ready to be married. Date him, enjoy his company, but think long and hard before you say “I Do.” Contrary to popular belief love does not conquer all, however it does grease the divorce proceedings quite nicely.

Why Marriage is a Bad Deal for Women

Marraige Bad Deal for Women

Marriage A Bad Deal For Women

I fundamentally believe marriage is a bad deal for women.

Ultimately when it comes to Holy Matrimony women get the short end of the stick and if the divorce rates are any indication (75% of divorces are initiated by women) then I’m not alone in thinking this. The main reason why divorce is horrible for women is that the institution hasn’t changed much from the times when women were viewed as property of first their fathers and then their husbands.

Nowadays (many) men still have the expectation that their wives will still be June Cleaver (Homemakers for those who don’t get the Leave It to Beaver reference) and they will be providers and protectors. However, women are also taking on those roles as well, but still expected to do their “wifely” duties. Basically with the aid of the Women’s Movement, women took on more responsibility and didn’t get much in return.

At least under the old system it was understood that women took care of home and men made the money to care for the family. Not always the ideal situation for women, but at least a more equitable distribution of labor and responsibility. Now many men balk at the idea of a stay at home wife and have every expectation that their wives contribute to the bills and still manage to throw down in the kitchen, take care of the kids (and him) and still do gymnastics in the bedroom.

Really?

Really, Really?

Too many men I meet expect their women to be like their over worked mommas and grandmamas who’s only thought was taking care of home and her dependents (including her husband). Well, I’m sorry to disappoint, but I’m no mule. If a man wants a maid (or his momma) then he needs to hire won or better yet, marry her. I refuse to be run ragged made to beleive that a real woman can juggle home, marriage, career and kids and do it all with a smile and in three inch heels. That’s a fantasy, a bill of goods, a lie that “modern” women have been fed over the years and somehow have swallowed as truth. And if more women were honest with themselves they’d know it was a lie too.

The other deal with me and marriage is that too many women I know seem to lose their identity once they say “I do.” They become wives and mothers but self seems to get lost along the way. Also many women become shells of their former vibrant, intelligent selves. Not always, but often. I know several happy marriages and those couples tend to fall into one of two categories, which also happens to be the only times I believe marriage is worthwhile for a woman:

1. The man makes enough money to care for the family only on his income. Whether the wife is working or not she knows that she and the kids will be well taken care of. If she is working then her income goes to savings, help pay down debt, vacations, etc. The point is it won’t take two incomes to live comfortably and their will be sufficient funds to outsource housework (i.e. get a maid) if need be, freeing up time to be with each other and the kids.

2. A true egalitarian relationship. I know some marriages that are true partnerships. They are equally involved in making their lives together work. There is no “His” and “Her” work, the husbands do as much housework and child rearing as their wives. They work out the bills in a way that works well for them and because no one spouse is being overworked they still have plenty of time for each other.

I know many folk who balk at one and while many people hope for two that is rarely how it works out. I’ve seen enough marriages through friends and family across socio-economic lines to know that many “typical’ marriages mean a lot of work for women with too few benefits. And please don’t talk to me about love and companionship because those can happen without a ring and too often seem to last longer when you don’t say “I do.”

I think too often, we as women idealize marriage and make it about what we hope it to be instead of what it really is. I think many women should probably take a hard look at the institution before they dive in and make sure that what they want and are expecting to get out of marriage is really what they are going to get. Like I said, 75% of divorces are initiated by women, so there is something about marriage that’s not working for the fairer sex, a fact no one really talks about when we focus so much on getting that ring.

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Sex: The Ultimate Relationship Deal Breaker

The Ultimate Relationship Deal Breaker

Sex in a relationship is a lot like the US at the UN – even if the rest of the relationship is great, if the sex is bad then there is no deal. I’ve heard many women argue that you can have a great relationship even if you’re not setting the bedroom on fire. I say those women must not know what good sex is really like.

There are a lot of things I may compromise on in a relationship: age, looks, height…but sex…that’s way too important an aspect of any relationship to settle for anything but the best. Some may argue that it’s possible to teach an old dog new tricks so to speak, but I don’t want to be in the teaching business. It’s one thing to teach you what pleases me, it’s another to have to teach you the basics.

I personally know of a few couples who are basically in sexless marriages and no, I’m not talking about couples who have been married for twenty+ years (not like that’s an excuse), but young recently married couples who are all perfectly healthy. It’s a situation I can’t even fathom and with money and sex being the number 1 and number 2 reasons for divorce in this country it’s not a situation I think those couples will be living for much longer.

Bad sex (or no sex) is just not an option. While no one is suggesting cheating is okay, if you’re not doing your part in the bedroom it is a surefire way to send someone out the door permanently or into someone else’s arm. Someone once asked me if everything else was perfect in a relationship and the sex was bad…would I stay? My response was simple: Hell No. In that scenario the relationship wouldn’t be perfect and we’d be better off as friends. If we ain’t lighting up the sheets, we can’t do much of anything else either.

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Falling in Love is the Easy Part

Falling In Love Ain’t Shit

To Love is a choice.

You choose to commit.

You choose to make it work.

Growing up is not a bad thing or a good thing…it just is. Time goes by pretty fast. If you’re 28 today, tomorrow you will be 40. The only question is do you want to live your life with someone else or do you want to keep going solo. If you want to spend it with someone, then find, choose and commit. If not, then keep doing what you’re do.

Folk always running, dodging, hopping falling in love…that’s the easy part…being adult enough to make it work is where the real work lies.

I know a guy who was in his late fifties and had just had a birthday. I asked him what he did for his birthday and he told me how he “hung out with the boys,” drunk some, smoked some, gambled and that was it.

Now, he was in some sort of managerial position at the university I was attending. He didn’t have a wife or girlfriend (spent a lot of time trying to get into my pants),. He had kids he didn’t live with and all and all he seemed rather lonely. Perhaps he enjoyed his life, but I found him rather pathetic. Damn near sixty years old, still chasing tail and clinging on to a youth that left him long ago.

For some being alone in old(er) age isn’t a big deal, but my guess is that is a minority of people. We are social animals, we need each other to survive and be happy. If babies aren’t touched enough they die and in many ways, if adults are touched enough we die, just a much slower and protracted death.

Make 2009 the year you stop being afraid of love, relationships and commitment. Make time for family, friends and others who you can love and who love you in return. Now is the time to find a special someone to spend your life with. We’ve got some hard times coming. We’re going to need each other to get through them, so the next time you have a great someone, instead of finding reasons why ya’ll shouldn’t be together, find ones why you should be and hold on tight.

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A Ring? Try Put a Title On It

Stop With The Pseudo Relationshp

So I wrote Tell him to “Put a Ring On It,” and some of the comments I received from men were beyond mind-blowing. Some of my favorites:

Thats’s bad advice. Never put the pressure on a man early in the relationship by bringing up marriage or titles. When he’s ready you both will know. Come on ladies don’t be fast and find yourself by yourself.

and

Why can’t women just be cool with the situation at hand?? If he isn’t going anywhere, and he makes you happy, why do you need a title?? Once you get past the whole dating thing and you know that you are together, the just have fun with the situation for what it is. IF he wants to pop the question then it should be nothing to say yes, because you are enjoying your time with him!!

Couple this with Belle, over at A Belle in Brooklyn (an absolutely fabulous blog that I think EVERYONE should read) is having relationship problems because she wants a “title” (i.e. Girlfriend) and he doesn’t. He say’s he’s not ready for a relationship, even though by all accounts that’s what they have.

And finally, a relative of mine has been in a “relationship” with a young man for almost a year now and he still refuses to call her his girlfriend even though recently told her that he :loves her,” very much and that he isn’t “checking for any other woman.”

Right.

So what’s the problem?

Here I am writing about telling your guy to “put a ring on it,” and it seems like I need to be telling ladies to tell their men to “put a title on it.”

Let’s be real, if you can’t get a man to put a title on it, how in the hell are you ever going to get him to put a ring on it?

I call this scenario the “Pseudo-relationship” with the “Not-boyfriend.” Pseudo because you’re in a relationship in almost every way but name and Not-boyfriend because…well…he’s not your boyfriend.

What I’m really scratching my head to figure out is how did women allow this situation to develop? Why have we, do we, allow these relationships to occur?

I get the man side of this. It’s the perfect set-up. You get to have the exclusivity of having a girlfriend but without any of the commitment, because let’s face it…the difference between calling a chick your “friend” and your “girlfriend,” is how you view your commitment to her.

It’s the same thing with the difference between (most) co-habiting couples and married couples. The married couples have taken a firm commitment to each other. The co-habiting couples tend to be there on a “try and see” basis.

However, for women, these low-commitment relationships rarely work. I know for me if I’m not your girlfriend then I’m dating other people. I don’t agree to any sort of exclusivity. Don’t even ask. if you want exclusive with me then you definitely need to put a title on it.

And every woman I know in one of these pseudo-relationships is rarely truly happy with the situation. Most want a title but they agree because they really care for the guy and he’s somehow convinced him that, though he’s not ready now, he will be someday.

Someday.

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Tell Him to “Put A Ring On It”

If He Wants It He Will Put A Ring On It

Up in the club (club), we just broke up (up) I’m doing my own little thing You decided to dip (dip), but now you want to trip (trip) Cause another brother noticed me I’m up on him (him), he up on me (me) Don’t pay him any attention Cause I cried my tears (tears), for three good years (years) You can’t be mad at me

[Chorus] Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it Don’t be mad once you see that *he* want it If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

And so goes Beyonce’s Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It). And while I believe Beyonce needs to go sit down somewhere and take a break…she has a point.

How many of you ladies out there hollering you want to get married are telling your men to “Put a ring on it?”

A Few Questions

1. How many of you are with men who you know don’t want to be married. Ever. Or better yet simply don’t want to be married to you, yet you stay with him anyway hoping to change his mind?

2. How many of you have men who you have been with 2+ years and you want to get married, but every time you bring it up he changes the topic? Or he keeps saying it will happen…one day…but they day never seems to come?

3. How many of you have men you’ve been with for awhile but are to0 afraid to bring up the subject of marriage for fear that it will scare him off and he will leave you?
How many?

See, too many women who should be telling a brother to “put a ring on it,” are too afraid to do so. Instead, they are staying with men hoping, praying, wishing, that the man will come to his senses and propose, so they can live happily ever after.

Listen Up Ladies

There’s nothing wrong with telling a brother that marriage is what you want and expect. As a matter of fact, if you’re serious about getting married, then you better tell a brother that that’s what you want or you’ll find yourself with a boyfriend for eight years, a couple of babies and no ring on your finger.

You can talk to me all day long about the numbers, but it seems to me too many women are willing to hold on to any man just to say they have one and are too willing to compromise their wants, needs and desires just to keep one.

How many of you actually date marriage minded men?

How many of you ask a guy before you get involved with him what he is looking for…whether he is looking for something casual or something more serious?

If you did ask, how many of you listened to what he told you? Or did you say, “I can change his mind,” if he told you he was just looking for something casual?
How many?

At some point Black women are going to have to take responsibility for their lack of marriage. We all know the problems. It’s time we start focusing on solutions. You want to get married, then you need to date marriage minded men.

You need to ask a guy what he’s looking for early on, so you know if this guy is looking for something serious or something casual. If it’s casual and that’s not what you want then you need to move on. Stop believing you can change a man’s mind.

If you’ve been with a guy for awhile and you want to know where the relationship is going…you need to ask. If he doesn’t give you the answer you want to hear, then leave. Relationships are about compatibility. If you want to get married and he doesn’t, then you’re not compatible. It really is that simple.

Sisters need to stop selling themselves short and giving up their power to the men in their lives. There’s nothing wrong with telling a man to “Put a ring on it.” And if he balks at the idea., find someone who will. Life’s too short to wait on someone who doesn’t want you.

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There’s the Man You Date and There’s the Man You Marry

The Man You Marry, Know The Difference

So often we here from men (and other women) that there are women you date and there are women you marry or, to put more crassly, you can’t turn a ho into a housewife. Well, the same applies to men. There is the man you date and there is the man you marry or, put another way, you can’t turn a hustler into a husband, and as women, we need to stop trying.

By “hustler” I don’t mean men who may be involved in illegal activities, I mean men who don’t have the emotional maturity, interest or ability to fully commit to one woman and family life. To often women take on the mentality that, “I can change him,” or “Love will conquer all.” Well I’m sorry to disappoint, but that works in movies and fairytales, there is a reason why they end at “Happily Ever After.”

You need to know they type of man you have. All relationships don’t have to or should end in marriage. And if the only reason you have for getting married is because you, “love him” then I need you to seriously rethink your decision. Love is but one factor in many that one needs to consider before walking down the aisle. All men, regardless of how much you may love each other, are not ready for marriage and you can’t make him ready, that’s something he has to do on his own.

So to save yourself a lot of heartache and pain, ask yourself if the man you’re with is really husband material. Is he ready to fully commit to you? To family? Will he be able to handle the ups and downs that come with married life? Are you all on the same page on the major issues: sex, finances, children, religion? Have you even talked about these things?

If the answer is no, then have the necessary discussions and if the answers aren’t what you need them to be then you know he’s a man you date, not one you marry.

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