Why You Can’t Compete With a Woman Like Joseline Hernandez

Joseline Hernandez

Joseline Hernandez Can’t Be Messed With

You can’t compete with a woman like Joseline Hernandez, Love & Hip Hop Atlanta’s breakout star and “Steebie” J’s newest artist. You can’t compete with her and you shouldn’t even try. Women like Joseline Hernandez don’t live by the same rules and accepted mores that govern the rest of us. There is no such thing as taken when it comes to a man they have set their sights on. There are no considerations for family or how their actions may destroy one or altogether impact the lives of those around them. Their morality meter is only tuned to their needs and their needs alone, everyone else be damned.

Read: Love and Hip Hop Atlanta: When You Love a Man Who’s Not Good for You

With that said, I don’t generally blame or even dislike the Joseline Hernandez’s of the world. Most of the times you can spot these women a mile away and they are often a product of their environments. Joseline’s mom tells how she wouldn’t allow a 13 year old Joseline back in the house unless she bought her money, roughly three hundred dollars on a regular basis. Where did the mom think a 13 year old girl was going to get that type of money? Really?

Also, while lacking the moral fiber many of us expect to be in place, they are often upfront and straightforward with their intentions. Like Joseline said on the Love and Hip Hop Reunion show, she’s only looking for “Dollars and Dick” from Steebie (okay Stevie) and if he wants to continue to rock with Mimi so be it. She even offered for Mimi to join them in the strip club when they were in therapy together. How sweet. So you see, a man can’t say he doesn’t know what he was getting when he has a Joseline in his life.

Stevie J and Joseline

And that’s the real issue with the Joseline Hernandez’s of the world, it’s not that they exist, it’s that too many men are willing to give them a place and status in their lives. A woman can toss her vajayjay all day long, but if a man isn’t wearing a catcher’s mitt it doesn’t matter. Women too often want to complain of the “homewrecker” when the only person who had a home to wreck was the man who stepped out on his family. And when something like that happens too many women want to go into competition mode, a useless battle if ever there was one. How many times did Mimi try to appeal to Stevie J’s since of “rightness”? She was clearly the better chick. She was the mother of his child. She’d known him for fifteen years. She tried every reason in the book to convince Stevie she was where he needed to be and how did that work out for her?

The reason it was a losing battle before it even began comes down to one word: reciprocity. Most people expect a level of reciprocity in their relationships. Relationships are about give and take, you give a little, he gives a little and everyone gets (most) of their needs met. With Joseline, she worshiped Steebie Stevie J, no reciprocity needed. She jumped when he said jump. Fucked him when (and how) he wanted to be fucked. She called him Daddy in public for goodness sake. There wasn’t a damn thing Mimi could do to compete with the level of ego stroking Joseline was giving Stevie and that Stevie obviously needed. Game. Set. Match. It’s over.

Read: Women Propsoing: An Act of Desperation or Empowerment

I guess this is the part where I’m supposed to tell you how you can Joseline proof your relationship. Sorry to tell you…you can’t. The reality is if a woman like Joseline decides to set her sights on your man and you’re dating your own version of Stevie J – Game Over. And let’s be real, most women know when they have a Stevie J. on their hands, that’s why there is so much hate for the Joseline Hernandez’s of the world, they’re afraid their man is gonna be next.

In the end if presented with the option of trying to keep your man in the face of Joseline type competition or letting him go – Let. Him. Go. You’re not going to win. You’re just not. However, you could end up like Mimi, yelling at Stevie J. and Joseine outside of the club after realizing the two had more than a working relationship, telling him if he got in the car with that Bitch then she knew something. How do you think that ended?

Love & Hip Hop Atlanta: When You Love a Man Who’s Not Good for You

love and hip hop atlanta

Love & Hip Hop Atlanta: Loving the Wrong Man

If we’ve learned anything from this season of Love & Hip Hop Atlanta is that hope springs eternal and the heart wants what the heart want even when what it wants is a low-down, no-good, lying, skeezy, slimy, whoring Son of a Bitch. It’s easy to watch Mimi and Joseline on Love & Hip Hop and think: What the Hell? I’d NEVER be that stupid. But the reality is most of us have been some version of stupid in out lives at some point

Lord knows I’ve kept men around past their expiration date. I’ve loved men who clearly didn’t love me back, and didn’t give them their walking papers when they did me all kinds of wrong. But watching the ladies of Love & Hip Hop Atlanta is especially painful. How many ways does Stevie J get to disrespect Mimi before she says enough is enough and move on. Erica seems to have woken up where Scrappy is concerned. She seems to be willing to move on, though clearly she still loves him.And Joseline. Well,  I could write a whole dissertation on Joseline.

What annoys me the most where Mimi and Erica are concerned is how they use their children as justification for trying to make the relationship work. They want a family they say. But I call bullshit on that reasoning. Their children are just excuses to keep them hanging on to relationships that are bad for them and bad for their children In what world is it good to have Daddy around when Daddy is regularly disrespecting Mommy, so much so that Mommy is angry and hurt and crying all the time?

Do these ladies even stop to think what lessons they are teaching their young girls on how men should treat women? On what a healthy and loving relationship should like? On what being a real man really means? Two-parent households may be ideal, but not when one parent is clearly disrespecting the other. That’s never a good thing and their no positive outcomes from that family unit.

Stevie J and Joseline

While it’s easy to pick and snicker and say how “I’d never do that, ” it’s much harder to take an honest look at your own life and relationship and see if you’re doing something similar to Mimi and Erica. Your man may not be disrespecting you on national TV, but are you be treated the way we all deserved to be treated? Are you allowing yourself to be marginalized and disrespected in other ways?

Are you clinging to a relationship that’s obviously done in the name of keeping a family together or “Because I love him?” It’s easy to point fingers, it’s much more difficult to admit you’re a little more like Mimi or Joseline or Erica than you want to admit.

And while we’re at it “Beacuse I love him” or its counterpart “But I love him” are not reasons to stay. So what you love him, the bigger questions is “Does he love you?” And no, I’m talking about what he says to you, I mean what he shows you. A man’s actions will always mean more than his words, simply the former is much harder to fake, while the latter is as simple as telling someone what they want to here.

If the answer than the question is no, then it’s time to move on. Contrary to popular belief love does not conquer all.  And you only have to look at one episode of Love & Hip Hot Atlanta to understand that fact – cause really, what has all that love gotten any women on that show?


Six Reasons Most Black Women Will Never Marry

Black Women Marry

Why Black Women Wil Never Marry

So many people have opinions on why black women aren’t getting married and usually it focuses on some version of black women need to stop being loud, prudish, god digging bitches who don’t understand what men want and expect their degrees to make them desirable mates.

The reality is the truth is a lot more simple and less “controversial” than most mainstream articles would let you believe. Black women have the power to have the lives and the men they want, it’s just a matter of changing from a victim mentality to a proactive one. We are desirable women, and it’s high time we start acting like it.

1. You’re Waiting for God to Bring You a Man

If I hear one more black woman say, “Oh I’m just waiting on the Lord to bring me a man” I will pimp slap the shit out of her. Did you wait on the Lord to bring you that degree you’re so proud of? No? So why do think it’s the Lord’s job to bring you a man? I know women who are “waiting on the Lord;” to bring them a man, they are also 50-plus, perpetually single and haven’t had sex in over 20 years.

If you’re serious about finding a husband then you have to treat it like you would finding a job. The Lord is not some cosmic UPS man who specializes in husband delivery. Once upon a time in the black community moms, grandmoms, aunties and married cousin would set out to find a suitable spouse for their unmarried relatives. Many cultures still do this, we don’t and because of that it is now up to you to take the bull by the horns and find your husband. Seriously, if all you’re doing is going to work (or school), going home and going to church what makes you think you’re ever going to find a man to date let alone marry?

2. You Think Relationships are Fairytales

Disney is the devil. They watered down the Grimm’s Fairytales and turned into simple, sanitized tales on love, romance and marriage that have been screwing up women for generations. The reality is there is a reason fairytales end at “Happily Ever After.” The reality of marriage isn’t all rainbows, sunshine, and shooting stars and that’s okay. Too many women have these lists of what the perfect man will look like and won’t even think about “settling,” even if it means passing up a perfectly good man.

So in your 20’s you won’t settle, in your 30’s you may decide one kid is okay and in your 40’s you’re just hoping he’s single and has a head full of hair. Instead of finding the right man for you, you spend your time looking for a man that doesn’t even exist and as you age decide to settle for whatever man you can get. So let me go ahead and burst your bubble: Mr. Perfect doesn’t exist, but Mr. Perfect for you just might. However if you’re to stuck on an arbitrary list of “must haves” you just may miss him. As cliche as it has become that 80/20 rule is real. Learn it. Accept it. And find a man who fits it.

3. You’re Too I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T.

Yes I get it. You got your own house. You got your own car. Two jobs, work hard, you a bad broad. Got it. But newsflash: No one cares. A truly independent woman doesn’t go around waving that ish like a flag. A real independent woman knows she doesn’t need a man, but is honest about the fact that she wants one. She understands that she needs or at the very least wants a man to fulfill those soft needs: companionship, love, support. She’s not running around shouting how she doesn’t need no man. She knows only insecure women do that. Unfortunately too many black women have been hollering that they don’t need a man for so long that the men might actually believe you.

4. You’re Desperate

Desperation is not pretty or desirable and men can smell it a mile away. Yes having a marriage and family may be important to you, but it can’t be your sole focus in life. Desperation also leaves you open to making bad man decisions and being taken advantage of. And I don’t care how fine you are there aren’t too many men who are going to want to deal with you if before you even know their last name you’re planning the wedding and deciding on baby names. Relax. If you put in the work and be patient your Mr. Right for You will come along and you really will be able to live happily ever after.

5. You’re Too Busy With Mr. Right Now

Yes I understand Mr. Ten Inch Penis is a professional back breaker, but sexing hm isn’t going to help you find a husband. As a matter of fact sexing him will be a major distraction in your quest to find a husband. Instead of being out on a date your in for the night with Mr. Ten Inch Penis. If you manage to make it out on a date, you’re thinking about how you’re going to call Mr. Ten Inch Penis when you get home. If you meet a nice guy out and about you’re wondering if he’s going to be as great in bed as Mr. Ten Inch Penis. See the problem?

When you’re the market for a husband, your casual sex days should be over. You should save the goodies for the men you are in a committed monogamous relationship with that is leading toward marriage. And yes I recognize some folk can sex Mr. Ten Inch Penis and still manage to find a husband. But just like some folk can study with the tv on and still get an A, it’s the exception not the rule. It’s also not about being prudish, it’s just that good sex is a distraction. Good sex will have you keep a man around well past his expiration date. So instead of dating and vetting the men you meet to see if they are good husband material, you get caught up with Mr. Ten Inch Penis, getting your back broke on a regular basis, only to wake up six months later with a yeast infection and a hurt back looking at him at like “I don’t even like your ass.”

6. You Don’t Know When to Let Go

And this one is the biggie. You have to know when to let a man go, and it’s much easier to do this at the beginning of a relationship then at the end. Too many women are holding on to men who have made it abundantly clear they have no intention of marrying them. Contrary to popular belief wearing a man down is not a marriage strategy. It is a fool’s strategy though. Wasting all of your best years on a man in hopes that he will realize you’re a “down ass bitch” and he should go ahead and put a ring on it? Yeah. I’ll pass.

A secure woman doesn’t need a man to validate her worth. She knows she’s worthy and is deserving of a man who recognizes that as well. She’s not going to waste her time on a man who demonstrates early that his values aren’t aligned with hers. Nor will she spend time with a man who doesn’t even think enough of her to put a title on it, let alone a ring. Keep it moving. At the end of the day it is much easier to find a man who wants to marry you then trying to convince one who doesn’t that he should.

Women Proposing to Men: An Act of Desperation or Empowerment? (Video)

Women Proposing to Men: Yea or Nay?

Is it ever okay for a woman to propose to a man?

I’m generally against women proposing to men. Most of the time when women do the proposing it’s an act of desperation. They’ve been with a man for umpteen-fifty-million years wanting desperately for him to propose and when he doesn’t and she realizes she’s getting older and her eggs are drying up she decides to propose under the guise of “getting what she wants.”

If a woman who proposes to a man was really trying to get what she wants, she would have proposed after a year or two of being in strong, stable, successful relationship where marriage has been discussed and is expected. That’s proposing from a position of power.

I still don’t think it’s something I’d recommend or would do myself, I am a little old school in some of my beliefs. But under those circumstances, a woman is well within her right to go after what she wants. If he says no, well that’s life, but you don’t look like a fool because of it and he very well could say yes, just ask Pink how well it worked out for her.



Should Women Expect Men to Cheat?


Are Men Hardwired to Cheat

So last week Tyrese was on the Wendy Williams Show and the topic relationships, men, and cheating came up. And Tyrese had plenty to say on the subject. According to him “It’s expected of men to cheat:”

“I don’t have all the answers, but I can say that most mothers raised their daughters to believe that if you cook, clean, thoroughly take care of your man and go all out for your man, that should keep him home. Unfortunately that’s not the truth, but I will say to my daughter when she gets old and starts dating is, if you end up being cheated on, don’t own the cheat. Don’t make the cheat yours. It’s something in that skirt and those legs and whatever the case may be, and [he] decided to dip off. Does he see the value in his woman at home? Yes, but if he ends up dipping off, that spaghetti couldn’t keep him at home.”

However Tyrese wasn’t so understanding when Wendy asked him if he’d be so forgiving if his woman cheated on him:

“No way. See, it’s expected of men to cheat, even though all men don’t cheat. I can’t just generalize and say all men cheat, but it’s expected because it’s a part of our upbringing[…]no listen if your in high school or in college, if one dude has sex with ten different women he is a hero, he’s the champion of the campus. If one woman has sex with ten different guys, they’re all kind of things in the book right?[…]Its just a part of what instilled in us growing up.”


Now I could go into a long diatribe about the age old double standard that black men in particular like to hold on to. The adherence to patriarchy in a community that can ill afford to hold on to such antiquated notions and the high rate of out of wedlock births, low rate of marriage and high rate of sexually transmitted diseases that this sort of attitude fosters. But I won’t.

Instead, I will point out that as women it’s high time we stop worrying about what men are “expected” to do and concern ourselves with what we want and need out of our relationships. The main problem for black women isn’t that there is sub-culture within our community that encourages this behavior, it’s that we somehow believe we have to accept it.

Newsflash: if you don’t want to deal with a cheating man you don’t have to. The adage that “all men cheat” is bullshit and a cop out that lets men off the hook for their bad behavior and makes women perpetual victims. Believe it or not, there are women who draw the line in the sand at cheating and don’t allow for any discussion of “see what happened was…” once the cheating has occurred. Just ask Lisa Bonet who let Lenny Kravitz go when she found out he was screwing around on tour. There was no amount of begging, pleading, cajoling, and song writing that would bring her back. And they were married. And he’s Lenny Kravitz. I mean…Lenny Kravitz

Yet so many sistas running around here keeping men who are screwing anything that moves, they’re not even official girlfriends let alone wives and these dudes are definitely NOT Lenny Kravitz. These relationships are temporary at best and women are trying to figure out whether they should keep Tyrone after they’ve found out he’s slept with Tisha, Cindy and Mai Ling. Enough is enough already.

It’s high time women stop crying, whining and complaining about the trifling ass men in their lives and simply cut them loose. Why all this drama over men who will be in your life for a few months to two years, max. Brothers don’t’ do that. Like Tyrese said, a woman caught cheating is reason enough for immediate dismissal. It’s time black women take a page out of black men’s playbook.

So no, the question isn’t should women expect men to cheat, it’s should we put up with cheating once it happens. And the answer is simply: HELL NO! On to the next. All men don’t cheat, so stop spending your time with the ones who do.

When Does Infidelity Stop Being a Forgivable Indiscretion?


Is Infidelity Ever Truly Forgivable?

Now I know for some of you this question seems silly. For you, all Infidelity is never a “forgivable indiscretion.” It is always a time for handing out walking papers.

However, for many couples, cheating isn’t the end all be all of their relationship. Many people try to stay and work it out. For many people the nature and duration of the infidelity factor into whether they will stay or leave as does the nature and duration of one’s relationship. Mortgages, kids, family, and finances also all play a role in whether many people will stay or go.

In the case of Tiger and Elin Woods, it seems she may have been willing to stay when it was 2 or three mistresses (home in Sweden notwithstanding), but when the number reached 10 (now 13 and counting) whatever counseling sessions they were having seemed moot at that point. Who wants to forgive a man who was having multiple overlapping affairs without condoms, in church parking lots and while you were pregnant?

Hell, when the mistress count was 2 or 3 I was all on the “Get the money, girl” train. It made perfect sense for Elin to renegotiate her prenup and take that 5 million dollar lump sum. Why leave all of that money on the table when your husband embarrassed you in such a public way and betrayed your marriage with so many women. It made sense to stay and hit him where it hurts.

But when the count begin to increase and all the other tidbits came out regarding Tiger’s sexual proclivities, add in the porn stars and there was no amount money that could buy back the level of embarrassment, health risks, and sheer disrespect Tiger heaped on his wife and family. We obviously don’t know what she’s going to do, but I have definitely retired my “Get that money girl,” stance. My attitude now is that she should get out and get out fast.

At some point, your self-respect is worth more than any dollars that may fall your way and if Elin stayed now she’d look like a complete an utter fool. Three means get revenge, then bounce. Ten means leave as soon and as quickly as possible. But most of us aren’t married to multi-millionaires where we stand to make out quite nicely in the even to of a divorce.

So the question is: When is enough enough?

When does cheating go from forgivable indiscretion to hit the road jack?

What is your breaking point?

Do You Want a Wedding? Or Do You Want a Marriage?


Is It The Marriage Or Wedding You Want?

There’s a lot of hemming and hawing in the black blogsphere as well as in the mainstream media on how impossible it is for a black woman to get married (I’d argue it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, but that’s another post for another day). But one question I think black women should ask themselves if it’s a marriage they really want or is it a wedding?

I watch “Say yes to the Dress” and other wedding shows. And to me it always seems that the women have every detailed planned for their wedding, down to the color of the flowers going in the flower girls’ headpiece, but I wonder if they have put that much planning into their actual marriages.

I know plenty of black women who have every detail of their wedding planned, yet they have no man. I know women who were obsessing over wedding magazines, but had never had a conversation with their future spouse over how the finances are going to be handled. There are couples who spend tens of thousands of dollars on a wedding and all of its surrounding events, but have yet to have a conversation how many children they are going to have, if any.

A wedding is a day. A marriage (ideally) is a lifetime. If you don’t want to end up in the divorce statistics, you should spend more time planning for your marriage and less planning for a day that is more for the wedding guests then the couple getting married.

Here is a list of 20 questions you should ask before you get married. If you look at the list and realize you haven’t asked even half of these questions then you know the least of you concerns is the perfect color fo your bridesmaids’ dresses:

Question 1: What percentage of our income are we prepared to spend to purchase and maintain our home on a monthly or annual basis?

Question 2: Who is responsible for keeping our house and yard cared for and organized? Are we different in our needs for cleanliness and organization?

Question 3: How much money do we earn together? Now? In one year? In five years? Ten? Who is responsible for which portion? Now? In one year? Five? Ten?

Question 4: What is our ultimate financial goal regarding annual income, and when do we anticipate achieving it? By what means and through what efforts?

Question 5: What are our categories of expense (rent, clothing, insurance, travel)? How much do we spend monthly, annually, in each category? How much do we want to be able to spend?

Question 6: How much time will each of us spend at work, and during what hours? Do we begin work early? Will we prefer to work into the evening?

Question 7: If one of us doesn’t want to work, under what circumstances, if any, would that be okay?

Question 8: How ambitious are you? Are we comfortable with the other’s level of ambition?

Question 9
: Am I comfortable giving and receiving love sexually? In sex, does my partner feel my love for him or her?

Question 10: Are we satisfied with the frequency of our lovemaking? How do we cope when our desire levels are unmatched? A little? A lot? For a night? A week? A month? A year? More?

Question 11: Do we eat meals together? Which ones? Who is responsible for the food shopping? Who prepares the meals? Who cleans up afterward?

Question 12: Is each of us happy with the other’s approach to health? Does one have habits or tendencies that concern the other (e.g., smoking, excessive dieting, poor diet)?

Question 13: What place does the other’s family play in our family life? How often do we visit or socialize together? If we have out-of-town relatives, will we ask them to visit us for extended periods? How often?

Question 14: If we have children, what kind of relationship do we hope our parents will have with their grandchildren? How much time will they spend together?

Question 15: Will we have children? If so, when? How many? How important is having children to each of us?

Question 16
: How will having a child change the way we live now? Will we want to take time off from work, or work a reduced schedule? For how long? Will we need to rethink who is responsible for housekeeping?

Question 17
: Are we satisfied with the quality and quantity of friends we currently have? Would we like to be more involved socially? Are we overwhelmed socially and need to cut back on such commitments?

Question 18: What are my partner’s needs for cultivating or maintaining friendships outside our relationship? Is it easy for me to support those needs, or do they bother me in any way?

Question 19
: Do we share a religion? Do we belong to a church, synagogue, mosque or temple? More than one? If not, would our relationship benefit from such an affiliation?

Question 20
: Does one of us have an individual spiritual practice? Is the practice and the time devoted to it acceptable to the other? Does each partner understand and respect the other’s choices?

5 Questions Women Should Ask Men When Dating

5 Dating Questions

Dating Questions Women Should Ask Men

So Mr Serial Divorcee Relationship Expert Steve Harvey has five questions all women should ask men when they are dating. While I don’t agree with most of Stevy Harvey’s brand of relationship advice I do believe that his “5 questions,” are pretty on point. I’d expand the list a bit but these five definitely cover the basics:

1. What are your short-term goals?
Steve says this is a question you need to ask on the first date. “That’s important. You want to know what a guy’s working on,” he says. “You listen very intently. You use your investigative skills. You be smart.”

2. What are your long-term goals?
Every man needs to have a plan, Steve says. “They have to be different from the short-term goals,” he says. “If they’re not different, you have a guy that’s not really planning.”

Once you’re armed with this information, Steve says you can decide whether you want to attach yourself to his plan and take the relationship to the next level.

3. What are your views on relationships?
Family, friends, God … find out if these bonds are strong. Steve says a man’s relationship with his mother is the most critical. “If it’s nonexistent, that’s a red flag. If that bond has been tainted or broken, please know he has no problem tainting or breaking yours,” he says. “If you can’t love your mother, please know he is incapable of loving you.”

If you’re spiritual — and he’s not — Steve says you probably won’t be able to change him.

4. What do you think about me?
Steve says women should listen carefully to how a man answers this question. It may reveal a lot about the impression you’re making.

“He’ll gladly tell you this. ‘I think that you’re great. I think you would make a great mother. I think you would be a terrific homemaker. I think you’re very independent. I think you’re very worthy,'” Steve says. “He’s going to tell you all of this stuff.”

5. What do you feel about me?
Once you have the answer to the fourth question, immediately ask the last one on Steve’s list. In most cases, how a man feels about you will be very different from what he thinks of you.

These are questions that are great to ask if you’re at the point where you need to decide whether the relationship is going somewhere or not. I think in most cases 4 and 5 answer themselves, but there are plenty occasions where the signs aren’t that clear and you need a direct answer.

I would add that whatever answer you get for 4 and 5 you need to believe it. Don’t go second guessing what was said or trying to fit it into whatever you want him to mean. Take the man at face value – good or bad. You’ll be much happier for it.

Real Talk on Interracial Dating From Someone Who Doesn’t Hate Black Men

Interracial Dating

Interracial Dating Tips & Advice

There’s a lot of hate in the blogsphere directed toward black men and a lot of bullshit, uninformed dialogue when it comes to interracial dating, often coming from the same sources. Too many of the IR dating sites hold white men up as the example of all that’s right with men and black men of all that’s wrong with them.

In convincing black women about their options, it becomes a non-stop dialogue on how black men are the scourge of the earth and how they don’t care about black women, etc. I don’t like it when black men justify their dating white (or other women) by disparaging black women and I can’t stand it when black women do the same to black men. So here’s my take on interracial relationships without all of the hate black men talk:

1. I’ve talked about interracial dating several times on this blog.

The one point I’ve made before and will continue to make is dating is a numbers game. You increase your chances of finding “the one” by dating as many people as you can. If you’re a black woman living and working in a predominantly white environment you’re a damn fool not to be dating white men. I’ve read stories where black women admit to only meeting 2 or 3 eligible black men a year yet they keep saying, “only a black man for me.” I say okay, but don’t be surprised if you end up alone and lonely.

2. Familial and Societal pressure are big issues on both sides of the coin.

In my own experience with interracial dating family was an issue. Not mine. His. When I was a teenager the (absolutely gorgeous) white boy I was dating sent him to his youth pastor to explain to him that dating “other” women were Solomon’s downfall. No lie. I couldn’t make this ish up. In my more adult years I’d find out months, years later that said white guy was interested in me but didn’t really know what to do about that. For many white men (and black women) dating is one thing, marriage is another.

Also, From a friend family perspective, the pressure can be unbearable. No, I’m not saying it’s a white thing…black parents/friends can be the same way. But if we were to be honest about this topic then we’d acknowledge that women of ALL races are pressured to marry the men from their group. That’s not black women being “indoctrinated” it’s the patriarchy doing what the patriarchy does best: regulating the sexual behavior of its women. And

And upper-class white men have pressures related to their social standing and possible inheritance that come into play when it comes to marrying black women. There are several high profile WM/BW marriages where the men admit that their families were solidly against the union and the threats of being disowned were seriously bantered about. Similar pressure can be found in the middle classes as well, on both sides. There’s no since in discounting the pervasiveness of this issue.

3. This is very much a class issue.

Like most discussions surrounding social issues in the black community, interracial dating is a class issue. There are women of a certain class who are in a better position to meet and marry white men than others. Most black women live in and socialize in all black or majority black environments. The men they meet are primarily going to be from the same class and social background they are from. There’s just not a lot of interaction going on between black women and white men on a daily basis for many of the lower and middle classes. You can’t date someone you don’t meet.

4. This is very much a cultural issue.

No black people don’t have the same culture. Nor do white people. But there are some dating norms that tend to be common among groups based on class, culture and social standing. For example black men (in general) tend to be much more aggressive than their white counterparts. From my experience if a black man wants to talk to you, you will know. He will ask for your name and number anytime, anyplace under any circumstances, even if it means he has to park his car and attempt to catch up with you on the sidewalk.

My experience with white men has been completely different. I’ve learned that if a white guy is chatting me up, there’s a good chance I’m being hit on. Usually, it starts with a “hello,” that leads into a conversation, then after ten to fifteen minutes (assuming I’ve shown interest) he will say, “Would you like to get a drink some time,” or will hand me his business card and tell me to call him or both.

However, if you give the guy attitude because he said hello or you weren’t open or particularly friendly to his attempts to strike up a conversation, there’s a good chance he will assume you’re not interested in him. And rightfully so. With (many) black men you can throw a little attitude their way and they’ll take it as a challenge. “Why are you being so mean?” is something I’ve heard on more than one occasion with a guy who saw my standoffishness as an obstacle to overcome and not as a sign that I’m not interested.

5. Attractiveness is a real issue.

Yes, there are plenty of white men who find black women attractive and vice versa. But due to beauty standards perpetuated by each group, there are plenty who don’t find the other attractive. I for one don’t really find white men attractive. There are exceptions to this rule, but for the most part, I just don’t regularly see white men and think, “Hey I want to talk to him.” The white men or white skinned men I find attractive tend to be dark (Italians, Greeks, Jews, Persians) and not of the Anglican variety. There

There are a host of other issues that affect attractiveness such as the negative value placed on African features here in the states; the hyper-masculine African-American culture that can perceive less aggressive men as being effete; the very different standards of beauty for black and white women. I’m making generalizations here, but you get the point. To believe the issues surrounding the lack of WM/BW couples are so well…black and white…is absurd at least and completely ignorant at best.

In the end, the focus needs to be on dating QUALITY men. The race/ethnicity of the man is irrelevant. That’s a personal choice and best left to the individual. And for the record BW/WM interracial relationships are nothing new. There are plenty of high-profile examples of such unions and their offspring. So if you’re dating white men ’cause you think black men ain’t shit and are, “damaged beyond repair,” then perhaps you need to fix whatever unresolved man issues you have before you date any man black, white or otherwise.

Looking for a Husband? Date Marriage Minded Men

marriage minded men

Date Marriage Minded Men

In Tell him to “Put a Ring  On It” I briefly mentioned the need to date marriage minded men if marriage is your goal.

This should be a no-brainer when you’ve decided that you want more than a casual relationship, but for too many of us it’s not. Somehow we meet a guy, think he’s great and decide to ignore the fact that he said, “Well, I’m not looking for anything serious right now.”

Then we act all surprised when not only won’t he “put a ring on it,” he won’t “put a title on it,” either.

It’s time we stop with the insanity. Brandon St. Randy had a post up talking about the Indian way of marriage, where arranged marriages are still the norm and the more “progressive” dating process involves folk dating a few months before they walk down the aisle (or around the fire).

While I’m not sure full on arranged marriages are the way to go, I do believe there is a happy medium between arranged marriages and the western style of dating that will have you dating someone for years and still not sure if they’re the one for you.

The only point of dating is to find your future spouse. Not to end up in a perpetual pseudo marriage, only to have it end in heartbreak and pain when it doesn’t work out and then to start all over again. Honestly, if you’re a woman over 25 who wants to be married and have kids, then you should be dating with a purpose and not wasting your time on anyone who isn’t on the same page you’re on.

You have to be  mercenary when dating, eliminating men on the first date who don’t meet your standards, share your values or goals.

Throw the “normal” dating rule out of the window.

Ask all of the “rude” first date questions on a first date.

If he isn’t giving the answers you’re looking for, then keep it moving. You don’t have time to waste on a guy who doesn’t want the same things you want. I guarantee when you give your dating a purpose you will feel so liberated. You will alleviate the stress associated with dating, guessing whether a man is into you or not, and waiting for him to decide your future for you.

And that’s an important point. Too often we let men determine the pace and future of our relationship lives. We wait for him to choose us as a potential date, girlfriend, wife. This can lead to disastrous results as some women spend years, decades even with men who have no intentions of proposing, even though they desperately want to be wife.

If you take control of your dating life by only dating marriage minded men then you eliminate all of this waiting around, hoping and praying for him to chose you. You all will choose each other and the relationship will be that much stronger for it.