The Mistress Speaks: When Being a Jumpoff Isn’t Enough

Stories of Mistresses: When Being a Jumpoff Isn’t Enough

This is the fifth installment of our series The Mistress Speaks. The following is a story that was sent to me, unchanged, except for removing any identifying information. Enjoy!

I Hate being a jumpoff. I did it once for a year for a man that i loved so much. We were together in high school and a couple years in college. We broke up b/c of distance issues. However, we reconnected about 3 years later, and the sparks were still there. But in those 3 years he met another woman, got married, and had a child. So we snuck around for an entire year without ever getting caught.

He would tell me he loved me, and wished he could be with me instead. We would take weekend trips out of town 2x a month, shacking up in hotels and ordering room service. He bought me gifts and the sex was mind-blowing… He made me feel so good. but every time he left to be with his family i would be crushed. The last straw was when i got pregnant by him.

He wanted me to have the baby, but he wasnt gonna leave his wife. Or even tell her for that matter. It was then that I realized that the way i felt when ever he was with his other family was the same way our child would feel. And I couldnt do that to my innocent child. So i made the difficult decision to terminate the pregnancy and terminate our relationship as well. I guess if the female has no feelings for the man shes sneaking around with, then being a jumpoff and getting no strings attatched sex would be great?? I dont know, because ive never been able to do it.

The Mistress Speaks: He Wanted His Cake and to Eat it too

Stories of Mistresses: He Wanted His Cake and to Eat it too

This is the fourth installment of our series The Mistress Speaks. The following is a story that was sent to me, unchanged, except for removing any identifying information. Enjoy!

So I read ur blog…really love it….wanted 2 tell my side. I was talking to a him for 4 yrs…I didn’t want anything from him other than time, a good screw and some bill money every once in a while. We started as friends back in college…after we graduated I moved to NY he stayed in Atlanta…we met up 5 years ago due to his mom passing with all the emotion we ended up having sex….its been on going until about one and a half yrs ago when I found out he got a girl pregnant….so he tells me she was a one night stand blah blah come to find out she is his wife! Of 6 yrs!!!!!! And this is his second child!

We didn’t talk for two months after I damn near killed him. But I found out I was pregnant told him, but later I lost my child and he was there with me every step of the way but then I began to feel guilty so I tried to push him away so he wouldn’t want to be bothered….which turned him on even more…..I ran into his wife about a 6mo ago…she knew who I was he had pictures of me in his office….I didn’t know that…..she explained she’s not mad but wants to know what I have that she doesn’t, I explained that’s between her and him I am not sure. I did apologize to her because even after I found out she was his wife I still talked to him….I told her our history together from college and I was honest to her.

We both confronted him fourth of July ….he invited me to his family cook out…..so I invited her!…….he told his wife he loved me from way back in school but couldn’t control me like he did her, she was good mother and wife material but I had the fire the ambition and the lust that she lacked….I would do things she wouldn’t and I would never hide my feelings……he explained how he wanted kids with me be knew I didn’t want any so he got everything he wanted but from two women..

He would throw me in her face if she did not want to have sex, little did she know I wasn’t having sex with him after I lost our child….I explained all of that to her I explained my position…I didn’t want anything but company I saw him as a friend with benefits basically nothing more no feelings no nothing…..long story short….he is divorcing….loosing his house…..and I haven’t spoke to him since….

Greed can kill you….and I think he learned from his mistake.

The Mistress Speaks: When the Main Woman Becomes the Other Woman

This is the third installment of our series The Mistress Speaks. The following is a story that was sent to me, unchanged, except for removing any identifying information. Enjoy!

Stories of Mistresses: When the Main Woman Becomes the Other Woman

I met him through the personal ads. We dated over a year and a half before we got married. Our wedding was a simple civil deal with my Mother and sister present. I thought we were happy until 2004. My world officially came to an end. He was sneaking around with a chick he found on the Internet. He asked for a separation and I obliged. Got my stuff and left without a fight. I knew of her before when I found an elusive email on the computer. Not to mention his personal on-line dating profile that profess that he was single. He broke my heart but I did a little snooping before I officially left. I found out that he had a receipt for a house that had her name on it. I memorized the address and kept on stepping.

He said that he needed to think, we could still date, and that she was just a friend. I called the 411 to get the number to the house when his mother let it be known that she meet the “new girl”. I confronted him about it and he had nothing to say. After months of silence, he came back to me in October 2004 professing that he messed up and that he wanted to work on our marriage. After three years of lying to myself that he was changing, I found out that he was still dealing with the other chick. We divorced last July 2007. He remarried in October 2007,and I was devastated.

The first of the year, I started getting phone calls from him to check on how I was doing. We still had some loose strings that we had to clear up. He kept saying that he missed me, wanted to see, and to touch me. I held out for as long as I could. I didn’t have any prospects because I still was in love with him and was trying to heal. I finally agreed to see him, and it has been on ever since. He doesn’t acknowledge that he is married. His wife ( my nemesis) caught a text that I sent about “rocking his mic”. I lied to her saying that it was just a joke and he probably diffuse that shit. Why do I mess around with him? Cause I can, I still have feelings for him, and to get back at chick who thinks she is above me. My eyes have been open to his ways. He is her problem, not mine!

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The Mistress Speaks: No Time for Single Men

This is the second installment of our series The Mistress Speaks. The following is a story that was sent to me, unchanged, except for removing any identifying information. Enjoy!

Stories of Mistresses: No Time for Single Men

Any woman who has an affair with a married man with the intent of marrying him herself is a total ass, and deluded.

I have had several affairs with married men. Why? Because I wanted physical and intellectual interaction with no commitment, no expectations, and no responsibilities. I had a good job, income, social life and I did NOT want a man messing up my life. The only thing I took from these men was some time – nothing else. Indeed, if we did go out to dinner I usually paid – not that they couldn’t afford to but their money was for their family.

I never wanted to marry and dating single men brought complications I wanted no part of. Besides these married men were friends before they were lovers, it was comfortable, convenient, satisfying on every level and best of all, hassle and commitment free.

The Mistress Speaks: Always the Adulteress Never the Wife

So, remember a few months back when I made a request for women to tell their stories of being mistresses, jump offs and other women? Well, after a computer meltdown and a site redesign I can finally get the series up and going. The following is a story that was sent to me, unchanged, except for removing any identifying information. Enjoy!

Stories of Mistresses: Always the Adulteress, Never the Wife

I work overseas and have done so for the last 5 years. For 3 years I lived (cohabitated) with a married man. He told me I was the love of his life. We met at a camp (contractors overseas in Iraq) and ideally it was me that went after him. I wanted a no frills, friends with benefits type of thing. He chose differently. Before I knew it, he moved in my room with me.

During those 3 years, we took 2 vacations together but most of the time we went back to our families when we had time. He told me, and I believe him that he was completely himself with me. That he didn’t have to hide himself from his wife. What was he hiding? He had a temper from hell, and instead of being afraid of him I chose to stand in front of him and argue with him.

He was loud, but he wasn’t abusive. There’s more… but its a long drawn out story. The main thing is I know what I did with him was wrong. But it didn’t stop me. He wasn’t the first, he hasn’t been the last.

I’m still unmarried.

Right now, I’m conflicted with choosing to spend a vacation with my married lover who has a sick wife and no children…he wants kids but she can’t have them… or spending it with my boyfriend that is single and desires no more kids.

My married lover, due our jobs being apart on different camps I don’t see him like I used to. I would’ve never hooked up with my current boyfriend if married lover was still around. Both men have told me they love me. I don’t doubt the love. The worst part thinking about how wrong I am of thinking about having a kid with married lover (he’s 47… his wfie is 58, I’m 34) is the fact that I think he’ll leave his wife for me. I’m kind of glad he’s away from me.

With the boyfriend, he says I talk in my sleep and he asked me about a name I called in my sleep. It was my married lover’s name. He asked me if he was the love of my life. I can’t say he is… the older I get, I wonder did I ever really have a great love that loved me back and I loved him where I think about him constantly? I can’t say I do.

The age I am now, I don’t know if I’ll ever be married or have another child (I had my son who’s 11 out of wedlock…) despite the desires I feel or the wishes I make. I feel jaded in thinking that my path is to be alone. I’m ok with that most of the time.

I never wished to mess with married men. Why do I do it? I think its the fact to me, less risk of rejection? They’re already someone else’s man that I don’t have to take the whole package.

I do know it’s not a win/win situation. It is what it is… adultry, sex outside of marriage and I live in sin continuously.

Hard Time Breathing? Try Yoga

Yoga Helps With Breathing

Breathing isn’t where it should be? Take up yoga and that should do the trick. According to a new study recently published in Thai Journal of Physiological Sciences yoga can improve how your lungs function.

The benefits of yoga on aging, flexibility, and stress have been known for some time, but this is the first study that shows that the ancient practice can improve how our lungs work.

The study divided 58 women and men into two separate groups. One group was told to practice yoga 20 minutes a day, three days a week for six weeks. The other group was told to maintain their normal lifestyle. At the end of the six weeks, the yoga group was found to have improved their chest wall expansion and lung capacity, for which the former is responsible for how well you are able to breathe.

Apparently, respiratory function depends heavily on how strong the muscles are that surround your lungs. Yoga strengthens those muscles, helping you to breathe better. To achieve the results the study participants all did the same five poses of Hatha Yoga at each of their sessions.

So when you’re signing up for that next gym membership, be sure to sign up for the Hatha yoga classes as well. Not only will you be more flexible, but you will be able to breath better as well.

5 Foods You Should Add to Your Diet

5 Foods Rich In Antioxidants

Antioxidants are chemicals in food that help protect the body against cancer, aging and a host of other illnesses. They are an important part of any diet, so important in fact that researchers at the University of Oslo recently examine 1,113 different foods to see which ones had the most antioxidants. Here are the top five that made the list:

1. Blackberries (1 Cup)

Great for a snack. Perfect for adding to cereal or yogurt. They are also rich in bioflavonoids and vitamin C. Another bonus is that they are very low in sodium and one cup of blackberries only has 62 calories.

2. Strawberries (1 Cup)

Who doesn’t like strawberries? Great by themselves, in salads, cereals or yogurt. Strawberries are also high in Vitamin C, folate (hello pregnant ladies), potassium and is a good source of dietary fiber.

3. Artichoke Halves (1 Cup)

Add them to a salad or to a past dish. Whole wheat pasta dish of course. Similar to strawberries artichokes are high in folic acid and are a good source of dietary fiber. They can also help reduce high cholesterol levels and are a good “brain food.”

4. Walnuts (1 Cup)

Eat a handful of these a day and you’ll be good to go. Research shows eating walnuts may promote brain health. Walnuts are also high in melatonin, Vitamin E and are a good source of omega-3 fatty acids.

5. Cranberries (1 Cup)

Add them to a smoothie or some yogurt. Eat as a snack or toss them in a salad. very good source of vitamin C, dietary fiber, and manganese, as well as a good source of vitamin E and vitamin K.

Final Thoughts

No one food is going to be a magic bullet to solve all of your dietary need. But a combination of great foods can go a long way in improving your health and your waistline. Start with the foods on this to jumpstart your plan to have a healthier, more nutritious diet rich in vitamins, high in fiber and antioxidants.

Falling in Love is the Easy Part

Falling In Love Ain’t Shit

To Love is a choice.

You choose to commit.

You choose to make it work.

Growing up is not a bad thing or a good thing…it just is. Time goes by pretty fast. If you’re 28 today, tomorrow you will be 40. The only question is do you want to live your life with someone else or do you want to keep going solo. If you want to spend it with someone, then find, choose and commit. If not, then keep doing what you’re do.

Folk always running, dodging, hopping falling in love…that’s the easy part…being adult enough to make it work is where the real work lies.

I know a guy who was in his late fifties and had just had a birthday. I asked him what he did for his birthday and he told me how he “hung out with the boys,” drunk some, smoked some, gambled and that was it.

Now, he was in some sort of managerial position at the university I was attending. He didn’t have a wife or girlfriend (spent a lot of time trying to get into my pants),. He had kids he didn’t live with and all and all he seemed rather lonely. Perhaps he enjoyed his life, but I found him rather pathetic. Damn near sixty years old, still chasing tail and clinging on to a youth that left him long ago.

For some being alone in old(er) age isn’t a big deal, but my guess is that is a minority of people. We are social animals, we need each other to survive and be happy. If babies aren’t touched enough they die and in many ways, if adults are touched enough we die, just a much slower and protracted death.

Make 2009 the year you stop being afraid of love, relationships and commitment. Make time for family, friends and others who you can love and who love you in return. Now is the time to find a special someone to spend your life with. We’ve got some hard times coming. We’re going to need each other to get through them, so the next time you have a great someone, instead of finding reasons why ya’ll shouldn’t be together, find ones why you should be and hold on tight.

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Saying Only a Black Man for Me, Means You’ll be Alone and Lonely

Sometimes Interracial Dating is Necessary

From a reader:

I read about that woman at another blog and if THAT is what she feels she has to do in order to find someone then that’s her own choice.

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I personally would not take that approach but everyone can/should make their own decisions about how to go about making their goals happen.

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Many black women are unpartnered because they fail to understand that “only but a black man” mentality is the VERY REASON why so many of us stay unmarried for most of our lives.

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The statistics are quite clear…black women outnumber black men in EVERY major city by six to one.

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Ladies, there WILL NOT be one brotha for every sista. It is a mathematical impossibility.

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Now that we understand the statistics we realize that we have to expand our options to men of other races. In order to expand our options, we need to become more aware of the norms and expectations that other cultures operate with and NOT assume that what’s okay in the all-black setting will be how everyone is in all settings.

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I believe that black women can find love but they need to understand that we have to break out of the fantasy and accept some of the reality. We need to become multicultural in our lives. It is not an option.

I’m not saying you have to go out and date a white ma n, but some of ya’ll live in predominantly white neighborhoods, work at predominantly white jobs and only see other black people when you hang out with your friends and go to church and we all know most of the people in pews look like you…but ya’ll are still hollering, “Only a black man for me!”

Come on.

Really?

Some of ya’ll really have me scratching my head saying WTF?

Look, there is no need to be a martyr for ‘The Cause.’ You don’t get brownie points for “keeping it real” by not dating out of your race. And some of ya’ll are so far gone that you won’t even date men of the diaspora. Some of ya’ll, when you say black, mean Black American and that eliminates Africans, Haitians, Jamaicans and other men of the diaspora.

I know so many women who sit around and complain about the numbers but then don’t want to do anything about it. So many women I know can run down a litany of reasons why brothers are the worst thing since the Bubonic Plague, yet when you mention the idea of them dating out they look at you like you just suggested they become lesbians.

Get with the program. Keep your options open. Go on a date. And see what happens. As we all know time stops for no man and if you’re sitting around talking about, “only a black man for me,” then you might as well be saying, “I’m going to be alone and lonely.”

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So What’s the Real Reason You Aren’t Married?

Why Aren’t You Married?

One lady has taken a very proactive approach to getting married with her site: 52 Weeks to Find My Husband. From her About Me page:

52 weeks 2 Find Him is a social experiment that focuses on a 42 year-old woman’s journey to find her husband. It is an online documentary that is shaped by Neenah’s actions and reactions, along with viewers’ participation. What happens when a woman invites the world to become her dating coach? Each week, we invite you to tune-in and join-in by helping with Neenah’s search, as she explores: the many methods of meeting eligible men, preparing for dates, and maintaining a healthy, romantic relationship.

Now I recognize what she’s doing is extreme, but at least she’s doing something. We can talk all day long about how there are no available black men, how they all date white women and how they are all in jail or on the down low. For me, however, that all sounds like a bunch of excuses. To me, the perceived issues with black men aren’t really the problem. And mind you, I’m not talking about poor, uneducated women here. I’m talking about you well educated, professional sisters who seem to be successful in every aspect of your life other than romantically.

So once again I ask, what’s the real reason you’re single?

For those of you who don’t want to be married and are happily single, I’m not talking about you. I’m talking about women who (in some cases desperately) want to be married or at the very least partnered up…why are you single?

I contend that getting married isn’t that hard to do. Getting a boyfriend definitely isn’t that hard to do. I do know that if you aren’t proactive about either of the above then they become increasingly difficult to do.

My aunt, when she was 60 (she’ll be 67 this month) got married for the second time. She met a man at her pinochle club meeting, dated him, and he proposed. Prior to this she had other relationships, all as an over 40 woman with a daughter in college (she had three other grown daughters) and adopting her niece’s daughter who died in a car accident.

She is overweight, though shapely. She isn’t light-skinned, doesn’t have long her and her eyes are an uninspiring brown. She would best be described as a handsome woman, though she is extra fly. And, as far as I can remember she has always had a man…when she wanted one.

So, if my 67-year-old aunt can be on her second husband and did so while being a single parent to a then tween aged daughter, why are you young, attractive, no children having twenty, thirty and forty-somethings having such a hard time finding, keeping and marrying a man?

Are you dating?
Do you have a life?
Are you waiting for God to bring you a man?

What?

And I think if you’re serious about finding someone in the 09 then you need to answer that question and then you need to do something about it.

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