A College Educated Man Is A Must
So today Belle, over at a Belle in Brookly had a post about settling when it comes to relationships and marriage:
Would you settle? Have you? Is there a difference between settling and compromise? If so, what is it?
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I think about it all the time.
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Years ago, I read a quote somewhere that went, “whenever you settle, you always get less than you settled for.”
As the conversation progressed many women (myself included) said the differences between compromising and settling is that you decide what your deal breakers are and then don’t budge on them. Those things that are most important to you aren’t things you can compromise on ’cause then you’re settling.
When I mentioned that a deal breaker for me was lack of a college educated…I was immediately called shallow…and Belle’s comment to me summed up what many of the men and women felt about my deal breaker:
…your qualifications about a degree are shallow. (sorry to be blunt, but I’m typing in a hurry.) I’m not saying go find a man who doesn’t read. I’m saying that degrees don’t have a sense of humor or investigate bumps in the night, or bring you soup when you’re sick or keep the bed warm. It’s a piece of paper not a character trait. If the piece of paper is more important than any of that, God bless you and good night. Oh, and there are a lot of dumb people with degrees who don’t read or watch the news. I don’t say this to get at you in any kind of way. I just [dont] want the younger women reading to think that makes any kind of sense.
Shallow?
‘Cause i expect a man to be college educated?
Right.
Here was my response:
LOL
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Black American women are the only women I know who can say with a straight face that a man NOT being college educated is shallow and shouldn’t be a deal breaker.
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The only ones.
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I’m convinced it’s because younger generations of black women have been conditioned to expect less from brothers. It never fails that I get such a venomous reaction when I say I expect a man to be college educated.
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“I’m saying that degrees don’t have a sense of humor or investigate bumps in the night, or bring you soup when you’re sick or keep the bed warm.”‘
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I never said they did. I just said it was a deal breaker for me.
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And no it’s not shallow. I value education for education’s sake. Not out of some sense of money and success, even though there is a high correlation between the two…anyone can Google the studies and see for yourself.
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All men who go to college aren’t intelligent – no joke – but I don’t date them.
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I date brilliant, highly intelligent and/or talented, ambitious men, I haven’t met one yet who didn’t have at least a bachelors.
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There isn’t a single man in my group of friends and extended peer group who doesn’t have At Least a bachelors and most have advanced and/or professional degrees. Not One. And my circle of people are 99% black.
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Take a poll of the fortune 500 or 100 all of our Presidents and most anyone with a professional career of any sort (hell many policemen and firemen too) and then come back and tell me how being college educated isn’t important and is merely a shallow requirement.
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If all you want is someone who has a “sense of humor or investigate bumps in the night, or bring[s] you soup when you’re sick or keep the bed warm.”
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Then by all means don’t consider his level of education.
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But i require much more than that in a serious relationship…and a man who poo poo’s at furthering his education isn’t going to give it to me.
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Sorry
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And note to the young women on the board, my advice remains the same: Know what are deal breakers for YOU and then make your choices in men. Don’t decide on what’s a deal breaker based on what other people think…’cause then you’d be settling.
And I stand by what I said. For me, being college educated is about shared values. I will be John Brown if I marry a man and he says to our children, “Oh daddy didn’t go to college and I’m successful so you don’t above to go either.”
That would make me slap him and any child who thought that was a good idea.
It’s funny to me ’cause most of the women I hear saying a college education doesn’t matter are college educated themselves. Often this “he doesn’t have to have a degree” mind set seems to be perpetuated by women who feel like they should, “give a brother a chance,” and understand how hard it is for a black man to make it or feel like they’re shutting off the number of available of black men they have to choose from for marriage if they insist he has a college degree.
That kind of thinking comes from a place of fear and sets you up to actually settle and be unhappy in whatever marriage you have. I don’t know about anybody else, but I’m not looking for any good man, but the right good man for me and nine times out of ten that’s going to require a college education.
Why I *Heart* Gold Diggers
I Love Gold Digger And You Should Too
I don’t have an issue with gold diggers.
You will never find me complaining about how a woman is a gold digger and shame on her and how she doesn’t deserve to be with that man and he’s such a victim for falling for her game.
Naw, you will never hear me say that.
And there are several reasons why:
1. (Some) Black men call all women gold diggers these days
Nowadays if you expect a brother to pay for a date…you’re a gold digger. It really is that bad. I once had a guy say he thought I was a gold digger because when he was telling me about his book and how he needed an editor, instead of offering my services (I write/edit for a living) for free since I knew he was a student, I had the gall to suggest I be paid for my work. Yeah…that’s really what he said. Under these conditions, any woman who doesn’t insist on going Dutch never considers a man’s income when evaluating him or marriage and has no expectation whatsoever of being compensated for work she’s done (i.e. the editing) is a gold digger. It’s a no-win situation.
2. Income and financial stability matter when it’s time to marry
I have a friend who is a pharmacy manager. He once said to me that he’d be just as
I have a friend who is a pharmacy manager. He once said to me that he’d be just as marriage-worthy if he were making $20,000 then at the six-figure income he was making now. I laughed. He may still be a nice guy at $20,000 a year, but he is definitely NOT marriage worthy. When it’s time to marry money matters. If a man can’t provide or a family on his income alone, then he’s not ready to be married. Women still do more housework and rearing of the children than men. MUCH more. So much it’s like women have two full-time jobs, the one they do at work and the one they do at home. If you marry a man who has a comfortable income then a lot of the pressure is off of you to either:
- a. Have a high-powered career.
- b. Be a superhuman homemaker because you can afford the help.
3. There is a difference between a gold digger and being a savvy woman
A gold digger is a woman who marries a man solely for the money he has. She has no other considerations other than the size of his portfolio. Think Ana Nicole Smith who married an 80-year-old billionaire when she was still in her twenties. There was no other reason for her to marry that man other than the fact he was a billionaire. That’s gold digging. Now a woman who takes a man’s finances into consideration when considering marriage but also considers his ability as a father, his ambition, his faith, whether or not he’s a nice guy, etc. is NOT a gold digger. She’s taking a comprehensive look at the person she is going to stand up with in front of God and country and say “I do.” That’s “smart not gold digging.
In closing, I will also say that even in scenario #3 I don’t feel bad for the guy involved. A woman who marries a man solely for his money will earn every penny of it. The man isn’t stupid. I know everyone likes to portray men as the victim in these situations. That the poor millionaire/billionaire couldn’t see that this woman only wanted him for his duckets. This man who made millions or billions couldn’t see through this woman’s charade.
Yeah Okay.
What people don’t talk about is that the men in these scenarios get exactly what they want too. Ana Nicole Smith’s old ass billionaire wanted a pretty young thang on his arm. If he could still get it up he wanted the shot at tapping her young sweet ass and you know what, he had every right too. If that’s how he wanted to spend his billions..so be it. But he was far from a victim. And most men aren’t. Remember that gold diggers have to sleep with these men…think Hugh Hefner and his girlfriends…*shudders*
So in the end, everyone get’s what they want. No harm no foul. If, however, that’s not what a man wants, he doesn’t have to go that route. Perhaps if many men stop concerning themselves with “dimes” then maybe they would stop bitching about gold diggers as well. Find more substantive ways to choose women, you will get better results.
Interracial Dating: Racial Stereotypes Hurting Black Women
Racial Stereotypes Hurting Black Women When Dating
While attitudes have softened toward interracial dating and most people don’t view them as abhorrent any longer, there are still plenty of racial stereotypes in place when it comes to the mixing of the races – black and white in particular:
By analyzing Yahoo personals, researchers found that white men prefer Asian and Latino women to African American women as dating partners, and white women favor African American and Latino men over Asian men.
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Asians, African Americans and Latinos were more likely to include white people as possible dates than white people were to include them – suggesting that white people, as the dominant racial group in the U.S., hold the power when it comes to interracial dating.
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“Stereotypical images of masculinity and femininity shape dating choices and continue to be perpetuated in the mass media,” said Feliciano, UCI assistant professor of sociology and Chicano/Latino studies. “The hyper-feminine image of Asian American women contrasts greatly with the image of Asian men, who are often portrayed as asexual.”
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In comparison, the image of the strong African American woman is at odds with idealized notions of submissive and frail women. This may explain why African American women faced high levels of rejection among men, researchers said.
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“Cultural portrayals of African American women in the media continue to stress traits seen as negative, such as bossiness,” Feliciano said.
I’m not surprised by any of the findings of the study. In my online dating experience I’ve found that when I don’t place my race on an ad (say Craigslist) I get a lot of hits, but the moment they find out I’m black they don’t e-mail me back. Even on eHarmony the only serious inquiry I received from a white guy was one who lived in Atlanta and dated more black women than white.
Other experiences of black women I’ve known who’ve done the online dating thing have had the same issues. While attitudes overall may have changed, it is something of a “that’s good for other folks, but not for me,” type of attitude. And with a lot of younger men their families tend to be vehemently opposed to such a union that they succumb to familial pressure regardless of how they may feel for the woman.
Now with that said, I still strongly believe black women have to date the men that are available to them and for many sisters that will mean non-black men of color and white men. BUT…I think the women who will be most successful in interracial/cultural pairings will be those who are culturally aware, are probably more mainstream in their appearance and yes…in shape.
It’s not hopeless by any means, but black women need to be aware and ready for all the issues that come with dating interracially so we can find the love, happiness, and relationships that we all deserve.
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4 Things You Need to Know About Exercise Balls
1. Don’t Burst Your Bubble
When choosing an exercise ball it is important to get one that is burst resistant. If you’re doing certain exercises that don’t require you to put your weight on the ball then any exercise ball will work. However, if you’re using the ball as a weight bench, doing most ab workouts or you’re overweight or obese, a burst resistance ball is necessary or you could incur serious injuries.
2. Work Harder on a Ball
Exercise balls work by making the body unstable. Lying on an exercise ball automatically causes your abs and your legs to contract. Add an exercise to that, crunches or chest press, and instantly the movement is more intense. The extra intensity forces your body to work harder and makes your workout more effective. Many ball exercises also work more than one muscle group at a time, making your workout more efficient as well.
3. Get Fitted by Height
Exercise balls aren’t one size fit all. They actually are sized according to your height. It’s important to have the right size ball for your workouts. Using the wrong ball prevents you from getting the most benefits of using an exercise ball in your workouts and can result in an injury. You can properly size an exercise ball by using some specific guidelines. For shorter individuals, a 55 cm ball is good for those between 4’11” and 5’4″ tall. Medium height people should choose a 65 cm ball, which covers people 5’5″ to 5’11”. Then, taller exercisers, 6’0 to 6’7″ inches tall, should choose a 75 cm ball.
4. Makes a Great Chair
Instead of spending money on an ergonomically correct chair, use an exercise ball as your office or desk chair. Exercise balls make great chairs because they help you correct your posture by forcing you to properly align your spine as well as helping to improve your balance. Using your exercise ball as a chair also helps with your circulation throughout the day. Since the ball isn’t static, it requires regular adjustments to keep your balance. Best of all using an exercise ball as a chair acts a low intensity ab workout. Your abdominal muscles have to contract to keep your spine aligned and your body centered and balanced. It will get you closer to having six pack abs and will help you shed a few pounds to boot.
Emotional Eating: The Truth About Why I Eat
The Truth About Emotional Eating
If anybody has been reading this blog as late then you know that I’ve been struggling in the weight category. You know that the extremely high-stress situation I find myself in has had me turning to food – mainly sugar- for support. The thing is though that most of the eating has to do with boredom. Currently I’m caregiver to my mother, occasionally my two young sisters and of course, my 4-year-old daughter. No one else. Just me. Day and day out.
Without going into too much detail my mother is a difficult woman, one who I have been trying to please all of my life to no avail. If I was to be completely honest I am incredibly resentful of the current situation because I wasn’t supposed to be back in my hometown. Some promises were made that didn’t pan out and at the last minute I ended up living with my mother instead of having my own house. Now I realize, regardless of what I was doing or where I would have been living, all roads led home because of my mom’s heart surgery.
Now I find myself stuck in the house, with no outlet, responsible for a house full of people and a rather large house without a whole lot of help as far as taking care of my mom goes. Each day I wake up and there is nothing, absolutely nothing to look forward to. Each day I just pray for the day to end, in hopes that each day I wake up and go to bed brings me closer to the day I can have my life back. I’m bored. I’m defeated and I feel like at 29 my life as I know it is over.
Now there’s a lot I”m not saying, a lot of history and a lot of anger…but the 20lbs I’ve put on in the last couple of months is because food is the only thing interesting in my life right now. It’s the only thing I have some control over. I don’t go out. I don’t do anything, but take care of a house full of people and work…when I can. It’s frustrating and there’s no sign that it is coming to an end anytime soon. I’m holding on by a thread.
There’s no joy in this house. So I use Oreos to find some peace that I’m not getting anywhere else. And part of me doesn’t care, because what does it matter? No one is going to see me anyway. I don’t leave the house except to go to the grocery store or take my daughter to the park. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so defeated in my life and the only bit of joy I have is in the food I eat.
I recognize that this has to give at some point. 170lbs is horrible. I can’t imagine 200lbs. But right now it is what it is. But that’s why eat. There just ain’t shit else to do.
Racism May Affect Maternal Health of African American Women
Seems like racism is even more insidious than most could imagine. High maternal mortality rates in African American women appear to be caused by the stress of dealing with racism in daily life:
According to Women’s eNews, African American women “are three-to-six more likely to die during pregnancy and the six weeks after delivery than U.S. white and Latina women.” This statistic applies to women on all levels of education and income. There are some studies that maintain black women who are highly educated and have a middle income are actually at higher risk.
Although African American women comprise 12 percent of the female population in this country, they represent almost half of the maternal mortalities.
It is now thought that these dismal statistics are because of living with the stress of racism– “from workplace discrimination to maltreatment in maternity wards.” This is now the leading hypothesis on the present state of maternal health among African American women.
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Battered Women: Domestic Violence and African American Women
Domestic Violence and African American Women
Domestic violence against women has gotten more attention since the Chris Brown and Rihanna debacle, however it is still an issue that doesn’t get the attention it deserves particularly in the African American community:
According to a study conducted by the U.S. Department of Justice in 2000, African American women experience domestic violence at a rate 35 percent higher than white women and 22 percent higher than women of other races. African Americans are more likely to suffer more lethal forms of violence, including being more likely to be killed by an intimate partner, compared to other populations. Domestic violence is a serious problem in the African American community that warrants grave attention.
Also as the economy worsens domestic violence against women is more likely to increase and anecdotal evidence suggests it is on the rise:
As our economy has gotten worse over the past few months, many women’s shelters have seen an increase in the number of women and their children trying to escape an abusive situation. Does this indicate that economics plays a role here? Are middle-class and upper-middle-class men less likely to abuse their partner and families?
Economics definitely play a role with regard to domestic violence. We have already seen the number of domestic violence incidents increase in the past year since our current economic downfall began reaching greater proportions of the U.S. population. We also recognize that domestic violence takes place across all socioeconomic groups.
Until we address much of the misogyny that is dominant in certain aspects of the African American community as well as finding a way to give poor women a sense of agency, black women will still be at risk of being battered and killed by their partners much more than other groups of women.
Hat Tip The Bay State Banner
Relationship Advice: Smart Women Marry for Money
Smart Women Marry For Money
Black women and marriage are consistently a hot topic online and off. However much of the topic tends to be on the low marriage rates among black women and not on the reasons and they type of men black women should marry. While there are many reasons women should marry, when it comes to black women, marriage and the factors that go into such a decision, money is definitely one the many factors for marriage that need to be discussed.
Money and sex happen to be the number 1 and number 2 reasons for divorce in this country, yet they are also the two things folk like to pretend aren’t that important in a relationship. I’ve already made it clear that I think sex is a relationship deal breaker and to that I will add that a woman who doesn’t evaluate her future spouses earning potential is a plum fool. And no, this isn’t about marrying solely for money…any woman who does so will earn every penny of it…but it is about recognize that your choice in souse will be one of the most important financial decision you make.
We’ve all been weaned on fairytales and Hollywood fantasies where love conquers all, but last time checked the chick in the fairytale was marrying a prince and rarely does a Holllywood movie leave people broke and happy. And before anyone decides to tell me how their parents and grandparents were married for twenty-five years and were happy as a lark, I will say that may be true (doubtful but true), but I promise you they didn’t want to struggle. They may have made the best with the hand that was dealt them, but I guarantee that no one wants to struggle. No one says, “Hey can I have a helping of struggle with a side of stress and despair please,” as they are starting off in life.
A man’s earning potential is one of many factors that has to be evaluated before marriage can be considered. Like it or not this is still a patriarchal society we live in. Women still get paid less for similar work, can still hit the glass ceiling in corporate America and often have to choose between being a mommy and having a high powered career. We still ask the question can women have it all and as long as we’re asking the question the answer is a resounding NO…at least not at the same time. There’s a reason why medical schools and law schools are rough;y 50% female, yet when you look at hospitals and law firms across the country they aren’t reflective of that fact. Many high earning women marry high earning men and once the children show up their careers take a backseat. Even many of those who continue to work do so on a part-time basis.
And even if you want to continue your career then you’re going to have to have appropriate child care and that costs quite a bit of money as well. Either way you turn the need to make a smart financial choice in a spouse (for those who want marriage) is absolutely necessary. This idea that he’s a “good man” but he’s barely making above minimum wage is a joke. He may be a good man, but he is not ready to be a husband. Basic test: if a man is not in a position to provide the basics for a family – food, clothing and shelter – then he is not ready to be married. Date him, enjoy his company, but think long and hard before you say “I Do.” Contrary to popular belief love does not conquer all, however it does grease the divorce proceedings quite nicely.
Why Marriage is a Bad Deal for Women
Marriage A Bad Deal For Women
I fundamentally believe marriage is a bad deal for women.
Ultimately when it comes to Holy Matrimony women get the short end of the stick and if the divorce rates are any indication (75% of divorces are initiated by women) then I’m not alone in thinking this. The main reason why divorce is horrible for women is that the institution hasn’t changed much from the times when women were viewed as property of first their fathers and then their husbands.
Nowadays (many) men still have the expectation that their wives will still be June Cleaver (Homemakers for those who don’t get the Leave It to Beaver reference) and they will be providers and protectors. However, women are also taking on those roles as well, but still expected to do their “wifely” duties. Basically with the aid of the Women’s Movement, women took on more responsibility and didn’t get much in return.
At least under the old system it was understood that women took care of home and men made the money to care for the family. Not always the ideal situation for women, but at least a more equitable distribution of labor and responsibility. Now many men balk at the idea of a stay at home wife and have every expectation that their wives contribute to the bills and still manage to throw down in the kitchen, take care of the kids (and him) and still do gymnastics in the bedroom.
Really?
Really, Really?
Too many men I meet expect their women to be like their over worked mommas and grandmamas who’s only thought was taking care of home and her dependents (including her husband). Well, I’m sorry to disappoint, but I’m no mule. If a man wants a maid (or his momma) then he needs to hire won or better yet, marry her. I refuse to be run ragged made to beleive that a real woman can juggle home, marriage, career and kids and do it all with a smile and in three inch heels. That’s a fantasy, a bill of goods, a lie that “modern” women have been fed over the years and somehow have swallowed as truth. And if more women were honest with themselves they’d know it was a lie too.
The other deal with me and marriage is that too many women I know seem to lose their identity once they say “I do.” They become wives and mothers but self seems to get lost along the way. Also many women become shells of their former vibrant, intelligent selves. Not always, but often. I know several happy marriages and those couples tend to fall into one of two categories, which also happens to be the only times I believe marriage is worthwhile for a woman:
1. The man makes enough money to care for the family only on his income. Whether the wife is working or not she knows that she and the kids will be well taken care of. If she is working then her income goes to savings, help pay down debt, vacations, etc. The point is it won’t take two incomes to live comfortably and their will be sufficient funds to outsource housework (i.e. get a maid) if need be, freeing up time to be with each other and the kids.
2. A true egalitarian relationship. I know some marriages that are true partnerships. They are equally involved in making their lives together work. There is no “His” and “Her” work, the husbands do as much housework and child rearing as their wives. They work out the bills in a way that works well for them and because no one spouse is being overworked they still have plenty of time for each other.
I know many folk who balk at one and while many people hope for two that is rarely how it works out. I’ve seen enough marriages through friends and family across socio-economic lines to know that many “typical’ marriages mean a lot of work for women with too few benefits. And please don’t talk to me about love and companionship because those can happen without a ring and too often seem to last longer when you don’t say “I do.”
I think too often, we as women idealize marriage and make it about what we hope it to be instead of what it really is. I think many women should probably take a hard look at the institution before they dive in and make sure that what they want and are expecting to get out of marriage is really what they are going to get. Like I said, 75% of divorces are initiated by women, so there is something about marriage that’s not working for the fairer sex, a fact no one really talks about when we focus so much on getting that ring.
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4 Gym Hair Tips For Keeping Great Hair While Working Out
Gym Hair Tips So You Can Sweat It Out
It’s been awhile since I talked about hair on this blog, but on the few times I’ve been able to make it to they gym, I’m always amazed at what length black women will go to not to sweat. Not sweating…in the gym? Isn’t that the point? But god forbid they mess up their hair.
This leads me to ask the question: Is your hair really worth your health? Really?
I want to look fly like everyone else, but even when I had relaxed hair, I was in the gym sweating it our six days a week. Never was my hair going to prevent me from being healthy and in shape. And let’s be real, how fly can you look if you’re grossly overweight? There is more to your body and looking good then a hot hairdo. It’s long past time for us to get out proprieties straight where are health is concerned and realize the superficial (fly hair) is not worth our health.
Make this the year that it’s okay to sweat out the do. It can always be fixed. Here are some tips to help with the post workout hair from Nubian Fitness Goddess:
1. While working out wear a cotton sport headband. It absorbs most of the sweat while I workout and keeps my hair flat. I do not recommend tying your hair up with a scarf. I have found that my hair sweats more that way.
2. Do NOT touch your hair until it dries. When I first started working out I would try to comb my hair while it had sweat it in. This does not work; it spreads the sweat throughout your hair. I learned that my hair is much more manageable if I wait 30-45 min after working out so it can dry.
3. Learn how to care for you own hair. This past year I had to learn how to care for my own hair. Caring for my own hair gave me the opportunity to wash and deep condition it at least once a week ( as opposed to paying someone every other week). Doing this has kept my hair healthy and I work out when I want to without worrying about wasting my money at the hairdresser.
4. Hair Products that Help
*No Rinse Shampoo- if you’re on the go and you really need to get the sweat out use No Rinse Shampoo.
*Aveda Reviving Mist- this is useful if you need a refresh, you can also dry Dry Shampoo. It’s really helpful in between washes
*Aveda Anti-humectant – this little jar is worth the investment during the summer time. It helps prevent frizziness in humid weather.
So what do you think? Are these some gym hair tips that you find helpful? Do you think now you can sweat it out in the gym and keep your hair looking fly? Let us know in the comments.