Marriage A Bad Deal For Women
I fundamentally believe marriage is a bad deal for women.
Ultimately when it comes to Holy Matrimony women get the short end of the stick and if the divorce rates are any indication (75% of divorces are initiated by women) then I’m not alone in thinking this. The main reason why divorce is horrible for women is that the institution hasn’t changed much from the times when women were viewed as property of first their fathers and then their husbands.
Nowadays (many) men still have the expectation that their wives will still be June Cleaver (Homemakers for those who don’t get the Leave It to Beaver reference) and they will be providers and protectors. However, women are also taking on those roles as well, but still expected to do their “wifely” duties. Basically with the aid of the Women’s Movement, women took on more responsibility and didn’t get much in return.
At least under the old system it was understood that women took care of home and men made the money to care for the family. Not always the ideal situation for women, but at least a more equitable distribution of labor and responsibility. Now many men balk at the idea of a stay at home wife and have every expectation that their wives contribute to the bills and still manage to throw down in the kitchen, take care of the kids (and him) and still do gymnastics in the bedroom.
Really?
Really, Really?
Too many men I meet expect their women to be like their over worked mommas and grandmamas who’s only thought was taking care of home and her dependents (including her husband). Well, I’m sorry to disappoint, but I’m no mule. If a man wants a maid (or his momma) then he needs to hire won or better yet, marry her. I refuse to be run ragged made to beleive that a real woman can juggle home, marriage, career and kids and do it all with a smile and in three inch heels. That’s a fantasy, a bill of goods, a lie that “modern” women have been fed over the years and somehow have swallowed as truth. And if more women were honest with themselves they’d know it was a lie too.
The other deal with me and marriage is that too many women I know seem to lose their identity once they say “I do.” They become wives and mothers but self seems to get lost along the way. Also many women become shells of their former vibrant, intelligent selves. Not always, but often. I know several happy marriages and those couples tend to fall into one of two categories, which also happens to be the only times I believe marriage is worthwhile for a woman:
1. The man makes enough money to care for the family only on his income. Whether the wife is working or not she knows that she and the kids will be well taken care of. If she is working then her income goes to savings, help pay down debt, vacations, etc. The point is it won’t take two incomes to live comfortably and their will be sufficient funds to outsource housework (i.e. get a maid) if need be, freeing up time to be with each other and the kids.
2. A true egalitarian relationship. I know some marriages that are true partnerships. They are equally involved in making their lives together work. There is no “His” and “Her” work, the husbands do as much housework and child rearing as their wives. They work out the bills in a way that works well for them and because no one spouse is being overworked they still have plenty of time for each other.
I know many folk who balk at one and while many people hope for two that is rarely how it works out. I’ve seen enough marriages through friends and family across socio-economic lines to know that many “typical’ marriages mean a lot of work for women with too few benefits. And please don’t talk to me about love and companionship because those can happen without a ring and too often seem to last longer when you don’t say “I do.”
I think too often, we as women idealize marriage and make it about what we hope it to be instead of what it really is. I think many women should probably take a hard look at the institution before they dive in and make sure that what they want and are expecting to get out of marriage is really what they are going to get. Like I said, 75% of divorces are initiated by women, so there is something about marriage that’s not working for the fairer sex, a fact no one really talks about when we focus so much on getting that ring.
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Real talk….couldnt have said it better myself
It seems that many relationships tend to flow that way whether the couple is married or not. I think women need to take a close look @ their roles in relationships and really determine if their needs are being met (and vice versa) before talk of marriage even comes into play.
Loved the post, I agree with it.
I agree with you on number two, and I think that answer in and of itself kind of shows the flipside of the coin that marriage is not a bad deal when there’s equality. I agree completely. There should be no “mule” in the marriage. Marriage should be about partnership and mutual respect in addition to love.
I think marriage is a wonderful thing. It’s something that children should see (as long as it’s healthy). I think that it is possible to (summarizing) stay sexy and handle your business while still being there for your man as long as a) he’s a good enough (damned good enough) man to not expect you in pearls, high heels and MAC makeup 24/7 and b) he’s holding up his end of the deal doing the same thing.
Love this article and agree with so much, that’s why I am not married now, I say all the time that superwoman died 10 years ago, and as long as I am working 10 hours a day just like you, contributing to household – this here relationship is 50/50 give and take – if I cook, you wash the dishes. You wash the cloths, I don’t mind putting them away, in order for you to get the loving you want in the bedroom, and happy home than brother, you have to help, help doesn’t mean giving orders but actually working with your fingers.