The Mistress Speaks: No Time for Single Men

This is the second installment of our series The Mistress Speaks. The following is a story that was sent to me, unchanged, except for removing any identifying information. Enjoy!

Stories of Mistresses: No Time for Single Men

Any woman who has an affair with a married man with the intent of marrying him herself is a total ass, and deluded.

I have had several affairs with married men. Why? Because I wanted physical and intellectual interaction with no commitment, no expectations, and no responsibilities. I had a good job, income, social life and I did NOT want a man messing up my life. The only thing I took from these men was some time – nothing else. Indeed, if we did go out to dinner I usually paid – not that they couldn’t afford to but their money was for their family.

I never wanted to marry and dating single men brought complications I wanted no part of. Besides these married men were friends before they were lovers, it was comfortable, convenient, satisfying on every level and best of all, hassle and commitment free.

The Mistress Speaks: Always the Adulteress Never the Wife

So, remember a few months back when I made a request for women to tell their stories of being mistresses, jump offs and other women? Well, after a computer meltdown and a site redesign I can finally get the series up and going. The following is a story that was sent to me, unchanged, except for removing any identifying information. Enjoy!

Stories of Mistresses: Always the Adulteress, Never the Wife

I work overseas and have done so for the last 5 years. For 3 years I lived (cohabitated) with a married man. He told me I was the love of his life. We met at a camp (contractors overseas in Iraq) and ideally it was me that went after him. I wanted a no frills, friends with benefits type of thing. He chose differently. Before I knew it, he moved in my room with me.

During those 3 years, we took 2 vacations together but most of the time we went back to our families when we had time. He told me, and I believe him that he was completely himself with me. That he didn’t have to hide himself from his wife. What was he hiding? He had a temper from hell, and instead of being afraid of him I chose to stand in front of him and argue with him.

He was loud, but he wasn’t abusive. There’s more… but its a long drawn out story. The main thing is I know what I did with him was wrong. But it didn’t stop me. He wasn’t the first, he hasn’t been the last.

I’m still unmarried.

Right now, I’m conflicted with choosing to spend a vacation with my married lover who has a sick wife and no children…he wants kids but she can’t have them… or spending it with my boyfriend that is single and desires no more kids.

My married lover, due our jobs being apart on different camps I don’t see him like I used to. I would’ve never hooked up with my current boyfriend if married lover was still around. Both men have told me they love me. I don’t doubt the love. The worst part thinking about how wrong I am of thinking about having a kid with married lover (he’s 47… his wfie is 58, I’m 34) is the fact that I think he’ll leave his wife for me. I’m kind of glad he’s away from me.

With the boyfriend, he says I talk in my sleep and he asked me about a name I called in my sleep. It was my married lover’s name. He asked me if he was the love of my life. I can’t say he is… the older I get, I wonder did I ever really have a great love that loved me back and I loved him where I think about him constantly? I can’t say I do.

The age I am now, I don’t know if I’ll ever be married or have another child (I had my son who’s 11 out of wedlock…) despite the desires I feel or the wishes I make. I feel jaded in thinking that my path is to be alone. I’m ok with that most of the time.

I never wished to mess with married men. Why do I do it? I think its the fact to me, less risk of rejection? They’re already someone else’s man that I don’t have to take the whole package.

I do know it’s not a win/win situation. It is what it is… adultry, sex outside of marriage and I live in sin continuously.

Falling in Love is the Easy Part

Falling In Love Ain’t Shit

To Love is a choice.

You choose to commit.

You choose to make it work.

Growing up is not a bad thing or a good thing…it just is. Time goes by pretty fast. If you’re 28 today, tomorrow you will be 40. The only question is do you want to live your life with someone else or do you want to keep going solo. If you want to spend it with someone, then find, choose and commit. If not, then keep doing what you’re do.

Folk always running, dodging, hopping falling in love…that’s the easy part…being adult enough to make it work is where the real work lies.

I know a guy who was in his late fifties and had just had a birthday. I asked him what he did for his birthday and he told me how he “hung out with the boys,” drunk some, smoked some, gambled and that was it.

Now, he was in some sort of managerial position at the university I was attending. He didn’t have a wife or girlfriend (spent a lot of time trying to get into my pants),. He had kids he didn’t live with and all and all he seemed rather lonely. Perhaps he enjoyed his life, but I found him rather pathetic. Damn near sixty years old, still chasing tail and clinging on to a youth that left him long ago.

For some being alone in old(er) age isn’t a big deal, but my guess is that is a minority of people. We are social animals, we need each other to survive and be happy. If babies aren’t touched enough they die and in many ways, if adults are touched enough we die, just a much slower and protracted death.

Make 2009 the year you stop being afraid of love, relationships and commitment. Make time for family, friends and others who you can love and who love you in return. Now is the time to find a special someone to spend your life with. We’ve got some hard times coming. We’re going to need each other to get through them, so the next time you have a great someone, instead of finding reasons why ya’ll shouldn’t be together, find ones why you should be and hold on tight.

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Saying Only a Black Man for Me, Means You’ll be Alone and Lonely

Sometimes Interracial Dating is Necessary

From a reader:

I read about that woman at another blog and if THAT is what she feels she has to do in order to find someone then that’s her own choice.

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I personally would not take that approach but everyone can/should make their own decisions about how to go about making their goals happen.

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Many black women are unpartnered because they fail to understand that “only but a black man” mentality is the VERY REASON why so many of us stay unmarried for most of our lives.

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The statistics are quite clear…black women outnumber black men in EVERY major city by six to one.

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Ladies, there WILL NOT be one brotha for every sista. It is a mathematical impossibility.

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Now that we understand the statistics we realize that we have to expand our options to men of other races. In order to expand our options, we need to become more aware of the norms and expectations that other cultures operate with and NOT assume that what’s okay in the all-black setting will be how everyone is in all settings.

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I believe that black women can find love but they need to understand that we have to break out of the fantasy and accept some of the reality. We need to become multicultural in our lives. It is not an option.

I’m not saying you have to go out and date a white ma n, but some of ya’ll live in predominantly white neighborhoods, work at predominantly white jobs and only see other black people when you hang out with your friends and go to church and we all know most of the people in pews look like you…but ya’ll are still hollering, “Only a black man for me!”

Come on.

Really?

Some of ya’ll really have me scratching my head saying WTF?

Look, there is no need to be a martyr for ‘The Cause.’ You don’t get brownie points for “keeping it real” by not dating out of your race. And some of ya’ll are so far gone that you won’t even date men of the diaspora. Some of ya’ll, when you say black, mean Black American and that eliminates Africans, Haitians, Jamaicans and other men of the diaspora.

I know so many women who sit around and complain about the numbers but then don’t want to do anything about it. So many women I know can run down a litany of reasons why brothers are the worst thing since the Bubonic Plague, yet when you mention the idea of them dating out they look at you like you just suggested they become lesbians.

Get with the program. Keep your options open. Go on a date. And see what happens. As we all know time stops for no man and if you’re sitting around talking about, “only a black man for me,” then you might as well be saying, “I’m going to be alone and lonely.”

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So What’s the Real Reason You Aren’t Married?

Why Aren’t You Married?

One lady has taken a very proactive approach to getting married with her site: 52 Weeks to Find My Husband. From her About Me page:

52 weeks 2 Find Him is a social experiment that focuses on a 42 year-old woman’s journey to find her husband. It is an online documentary that is shaped by Neenah’s actions and reactions, along with viewers’ participation. What happens when a woman invites the world to become her dating coach? Each week, we invite you to tune-in and join-in by helping with Neenah’s search, as she explores: the many methods of meeting eligible men, preparing for dates, and maintaining a healthy, romantic relationship.

Now I recognize what she’s doing is extreme, but at least she’s doing something. We can talk all day long about how there are no available black men, how they all date white women and how they are all in jail or on the down low. For me, however, that all sounds like a bunch of excuses. To me, the perceived issues with black men aren’t really the problem. And mind you, I’m not talking about poor, uneducated women here. I’m talking about you well educated, professional sisters who seem to be successful in every aspect of your life other than romantically.

So once again I ask, what’s the real reason you’re single?

For those of you who don’t want to be married and are happily single, I’m not talking about you. I’m talking about women who (in some cases desperately) want to be married or at the very least partnered up…why are you single?

I contend that getting married isn’t that hard to do. Getting a boyfriend definitely isn’t that hard to do. I do know that if you aren’t proactive about either of the above then they become increasingly difficult to do.

My aunt, when she was 60 (she’ll be 67 this month) got married for the second time. She met a man at her pinochle club meeting, dated him, and he proposed. Prior to this she had other relationships, all as an over 40 woman with a daughter in college (she had three other grown daughters) and adopting her niece’s daughter who died in a car accident.

She is overweight, though shapely. She isn’t light-skinned, doesn’t have long her and her eyes are an uninspiring brown. She would best be described as a handsome woman, though she is extra fly. And, as far as I can remember she has always had a man…when she wanted one.

So, if my 67-year-old aunt can be on her second husband and did so while being a single parent to a then tween aged daughter, why are you young, attractive, no children having twenty, thirty and forty-somethings having such a hard time finding, keeping and marrying a man?

Are you dating?
Do you have a life?
Are you waiting for God to bring you a man?

What?

And I think if you’re serious about finding someone in the 09 then you need to answer that question and then you need to do something about it.

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Interracial Relationships: Anyone But a White Man For Me

Interracial Relationships: No White Men

I’m a fan of interracial dating. I strongly believe that, for Black women, interracial dating is a must. This insistence of “Only a Black for me,” is baffling to me. I don’t get it. I recognize that often we are socialized to date Black men and only Black men. The messages we receive (even if not from family) seem to be that only a Black man will care for us, understand us, respect us, even if their is plenty of evidence to the contrary.

In her post, “Interracial Dating: Grudgingly Heading Toward Acceptance,” Latoya Peterson gives a very thoughtful, non-cliched reason for her having such issues with her best male friend’s dating of only white women. While the article is a must read what caught my attention was one of her comments in response to another commenter on her article:

…I still don’t date white men. To me, that’s the line in the sand that I don’t want to cross. Too much political baggage for me to start unpacking that. I don’t begrudge others, but I think I have a better chance of being in a lesbian relationship than seriously dating a white man.

When I read that, all I could say was: AMEN. I completely agree. I am a card carrying member of the “Anyone but a White Man for Me,” club. There are any number of reasons for this: I like dark skin, I’m not that attracted to White men, I don’t want mixed kids but the main reasons for me fall into the cultural and the political.

Culturally, I am VERY Black. Southern and Black to be exact. I am not the least bit assimilated. I do not worship at the alter of Whiteness nor am I impressed by it. I don’t Shift . I don’t alter my speech patterns, inflections, the way I laugh, anything, when I’m in the presence of White people. It’s part of the reason I won’t work corporate. I don’t wear The Veil well, or at all, and I have little patience (or respect) for people who expect me to.

What does all of this have to do with dating White men? The personal is political for me. White privilege is alive and well, so is the entrenched and institutionalized racism that is a part of this country’s founding. The idea that I will be making love and babies with The Enemy, is a problem for me. One I’m not sure I can get over. Are there any exceptions to this rule? Sure. I’ve known White men who were culturally Black, and no I don’t mean wanna be White boys, I mean guys who, for various reasons, were raised by or around Black people. With them, because there are cultural markers, I can relate and may, may, be able to cross the racial and political barrier.

Now, theses are my issues. But for Black women who can cross the White Line by all means do so. I want people to be happy and loved and wherever you can find it you need to hold onto it and keep it. For me, I will be keeping my options open, he just won’t be White.

Looking for Love? Let love Find You!

Stop Looking for Love

So often we have in our head the type of man we want. By the time we’ve graduated form college and head into the real world we’ve perfected our list of must-haves: tall, dark handsome, educated, ambitious, successful or headed in that direction….etc. But what happens when the love we were looking for turns out to look quite differently then the love that finds us?

Currently I find myself in an (almost) relationship with someone who is (almost) nothing like the man I see myself with. He’s not my physical ideal. He’s way to young and his choice of profession leaves a lot to be desired. But he’s sweet, funny and is more emotionally mature then men I’ve dated that were ten years his senior.

Even with all of his good qualities I still have a hard time admitting to myself that I like him. I don’t believe that all relationships have to end in marriage or that just because you like (love) someone means that is the person you should be with. Love is but one of many factors that have to be considered but he’s just so different from what I would choose for myself.

It was all an accident how we ended up (sorta) together to begin with but what was supposed to be causal turned into a lot more and I’m still wringing my hands about it. Arguably this is the most relaxed I’ve been with anyone in a long time. Minus a few initial bumps the relationship is drama free. He makes me laugh, I enjoy his company and the sex is good…yet I keep asking myself, “What are you doing with him?” I’m sure I’m not the only one who has found herself in this situation.

I think as women, we sometimes get so wrapped up in what our idea of Mr. Right is that we miss out on an actual Mr. Right that may waltz into out lives. I know I find myself in strange territory. I haven’t been seriously involved with someone in a few years at the earliest and that lasted a few months. And yet here I am, tiptoeing my way into a relationship with caution and my eyes wide open with a man I had determined wasn’t “getting any” and, once we crossed that barrier, was just going to be a “causal relationship, ” all at a time in my life when I definitely wasn’t looking for love.

Maybe that’s the problem. Sometimes we’re just looking to hard. Sometimes, just maybe, we should stop looking for love and let love find us.

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Can You Make Someone Cheat? Yes, You Can

Can You Make Someone Cheat?

This is going to piss a lot of people off but, contrary to popular belief, you can make someone cheat.

Yes. You read that right.

From a woman’s perspective there are three things that I think women do that can lead their man to stray:

1. The Bait and Switch
2. Punishing/Witholding Sex
3. Gaining ( a significant amount of) weight

1. The Bait and Switch

There is a rule that newlywed couples should live by – don’t do anything in the first six months that you don’t plan on doing for the rest of the marriage. This is true not only for newly married couples but for dating couples as well. We want so hard to impress our men and be the perfect girlfriend or wife that we can outright lie about who we are and what role we’re willing to play in a relationship.

These lies can take place in many forms. If you’re not super chef in the kitchen, don’t front like you are, pulling the old Fake and Bake, making a man believe you’re B. Smith when you know can’t boil water. If you were super fly chick when you met, don’t expect that it’s all of a sudden okay to turn into “sweats and t-shirts,” chic, if he likes high maintenance women, he will find him one when your true colors start to show.

And if you were a super freak in the bedroom don’t think now that you have him…it’s okay to turn into a nun or to dial down the freakiness. All of these things (as well as a host of others) equate to a breach of contract. You’re not the person you sold yourself to be and the new person may not be what your significant other wants. This scenario could clearly lead to someone looking for what they want elsewhere…even if at this point they are very much in love with you.

2. Punishing With/Withholding Sex

Bargaining with sex is ALWAYS a bad idea. Sorry. There is NEVER a good reason to use sex for any more than what it is meant for: a physical expression of the love/feelings you have for the person you’re with. I don’t know what you think you’re accomplishing by not sleeping with him. I can tell you what you are accomplishing however — sending him into the arms of someone else.

I don’t know about anyone else, but my attitude is — if he’s not sleeping with me then he’s sleeping with someone else, so that’s not a game I play and not one I want to be played on me. Regularly sexing your man is no guarantee that your man won’t dip out, but not giving him any is a pretty good way to send him looking for some elsewhere. And let’s be clear whether or not he loves you will have little do with whether he dips out or not if he’s being deprived at home.

3. Gaining (a significant amount of) Weight

Okay, if I haven’t pissed you off by now, I definitely will with this one. If you married your husband and you were 135 pounds, putting on 80 pounds (barring a medical condition) is a surefire ware to send your man out the door seeking sexual satisfaction somewhere else.

So often I’ve heard people say, “But I’m the same person,” when it comes to their weight gain and their inability to understand why their SO/husband may no longer be attracted to them. I”m sorry but that doesn’t fly with me. You ARE NOT the same person. The person he wed was fit and healthy and active and could probably do things with her legs that would make a pretzel jealous. The person you are with the extra weight is probably none of those things and that canput a heavy strain on the marriage/relationship.

Gaining a significant amount of weight can be a deal breaker. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you anymore (but it might), it does mean however he may not find you sexually attractive anymore. And no, love and sex are not synonymous. By not taking care of yourself, you are putting your relationship or marriage in jeopardy. We like to pretend like sex isn’t a big part of a relationship but the 1 and 2 reasons for divorce are money and sex. So chew on that as you munch on the butter pecan ice cream.

But the weight gain isn’t just about the sex. It’s about a lifestyle you may have had with your boyfriend or about a set of beliefs you all held on life and health or simply it could be just about being physically attracted to the person you’re with. We need to stop pretending like these things don’t matter. They do. Love does not conquer all. And just because someone is committed to you, doesn’t mean they won’t find what they are lacking at home in another’s arms.

When there are major (and preventable) changes in a person’s relationship, the doors to infidelity are opened and it is oh so easy to walk through.

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Why the Other Woman Isn’t the Problem

The Other Woman Isn’t The Problem

I know this is hard for many women to believe, but it’s true. Too often I’ve seen women go after the Other Woman while never, ever going after their men. Or, if they go after their man, it’s never quite with the same ferocity as they do the Other Woman. Or better yet, they manage to forgive the man, but not the person the man was cheating with.

I also love how, on many sites that deal with infidelity issues, there are often posts that discuss how we (the community) have to start holding women who “prey” on married men accountable. Right. But how about the men who prey on married women…or the married men who prey on single women…we don’t need to hold them accountable?

But I digress.

Back to the Other Woman.

The reason why the Other Woman is not a problem is because she had no loyalty to you. She didn’t swear in front of God and country to love, honor and cherish you, she didn’t ask you to marry her, she didn’t request that you be her lady. Nothing. She has no responsibility to you what-so-ever. And that’s what women who are ready to “cut a bitch,” seem to forget.

There’s a blog over on A Belle in Brooklyn where a woman stayed married to man for 32 years even though he had been cheating on her from day 1. He cheated so much it became defacto normal. So much so, she used to press his clothes so he could go to the club. While that didn’t make her leave, when she found out their home was in foreclosure because he’d been paying the mortgage on his current mistresses condo and not on their family home — did…but like I said, this was 32 years in to the debacle that was their marriage.

So, In this post she expresses that she’s forgiven her ex-husband, but clearly still had a lot of animosity toward the women who were cheating with her man. To that, all I could say was…huh?

Unless a woman is a close relative or friend there is little reason for your anger to be directed at her. I can understand being upset, but I’ve never been truly mad at a woman who was messing with my man if she didn’t know me from Eve…even if she knew he was taken when she got involved. In the one instance where my friend ended up with my boyfriend, I had little to say to her until she tried to talk to me sideways. The only person who receives the brunt of my anger is the man I am involved with and that’s as it should be. He’s the one I gave my time, body and love too. He’s the one who’s supposed to be faithful to me. He’s the one who needs to be “cut.” No one else.

So ladies, save your anger for the person who is responsible for your pain…your cheating man. Please, no stalking of said chick, no catfights, no keying of any cars (well maybe his ), just remember she isn’t your problem…he is.

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A Ring? Try Put a Title On It

Stop With The Pseudo Relationshp

So I wrote Tell him to “Put a Ring On It,” and some of the comments I received from men were beyond mind-blowing. Some of my favorites:

Thats’s bad advice. Never put the pressure on a man early in the relationship by bringing up marriage or titles. When he’s ready you both will know. Come on ladies don’t be fast and find yourself by yourself.

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Why can’t women just be cool with the situation at hand?? If he isn’t going anywhere, and he makes you happy, why do you need a title?? Once you get past the whole dating thing and you know that you are together, the just have fun with the situation for what it is. IF he wants to pop the question then it should be nothing to say yes, because you are enjoying your time with him!!

Couple this with Belle, over at A Belle in Brooklyn (an absolutely fabulous blog that I think EVERYONE should read) is having relationship problems because she wants a “title” (i.e. Girlfriend) and he doesn’t. He say’s he’s not ready for a relationship, even though by all accounts that’s what they have.

And finally, a relative of mine has been in a “relationship” with a young man for almost a year now and he still refuses to call her his girlfriend even though recently told her that he :loves her,” very much and that he isn’t “checking for any other woman.”

Right.

So what’s the problem?

Here I am writing about telling your guy to “put a ring on it,” and it seems like I need to be telling ladies to tell their men to “put a title on it.”

Let’s be real, if you can’t get a man to put a title on it, how in the hell are you ever going to get him to put a ring on it?

I call this scenario the “Pseudo-relationship” with the “Not-boyfriend.” Pseudo because you’re in a relationship in almost every way but name and Not-boyfriend because…well…he’s not your boyfriend.

What I’m really scratching my head to figure out is how did women allow this situation to develop? Why have we, do we, allow these relationships to occur?

I get the man side of this. It’s the perfect set-up. You get to have the exclusivity of having a girlfriend but without any of the commitment, because let’s face it…the difference between calling a chick your “friend” and your “girlfriend,” is how you view your commitment to her.

It’s the same thing with the difference between (most) co-habiting couples and married couples. The married couples have taken a firm commitment to each other. The co-habiting couples tend to be there on a “try and see” basis.

However, for women, these low-commitment relationships rarely work. I know for me if I’m not your girlfriend then I’m dating other people. I don’t agree to any sort of exclusivity. Don’t even ask. if you want exclusive with me then you definitely need to put a title on it.

And every woman I know in one of these pseudo-relationships is rarely truly happy with the situation. Most want a title but they agree because they really care for the guy and he’s somehow convinced him that, though he’s not ready now, he will be someday.

Someday.

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