Interracial Relationships: Anyone But a White Man For Me

Interracial Relationships

Interracial Relationships: No White Men

I’m a fan of interracial dating. I strongly believe that, for Black women, interracial dating is a must. This insistence of “Only a Black for me,” is baffling to me. I don’t get it. I recognize that often we are socialized to date Black men and only Black men. The messages we receive (even if not from family) seem to be that only a Black man will care for us, understand us, respect us, even if their is plenty of evidence to the contrary.

In her post, “Interracial Dating: Grudgingly Heading Toward Acceptance,” Latoya Peterson gives a very thoughtful, non-cliched reason for her having such issues with her best male friend’s dating of only white women. While the article is a must read what caught my attention was one of her comments in response to another commenter on her article:

…I still don’t date white men. To me, that’s the line in the sand that I don’t want to cross. Too much political baggage for me to start unpacking that. I don’t begrudge others, but I think I have a better chance of being in a lesbian relationship than seriously dating a white man.

When I read that, all I could say was: AMEN. I completely agree. I am a card carrying member of the “Anyone but a White Man for Me,” club. There are any number of reasons for this: I like dark skin, I’m not that attracted to White men, I don’t want mixed kids but the main reasons for me fall into the cultural and the political.

Culturally, I am VERY Black. Southern and Black to be exact. I am not the least bit assimilated. I do not worship at the alter of Whiteness nor am I impressed by it. I don’t Shift . I don’t alter my speech patterns, inflections, the way I laugh, anything, when I’m in the presence of White people. It’s part of the reason I won’t work corporate. I don’t wear The Veil well, or at all, and I have little patience (or respect) for people who expect me to.

What does all of this have to do with dating White men? The personal is political for me. White privilege is alive and well, so is the entrenched and institutionalized racism that is a part of this country’s founding. The idea that I will be making love and babies with The Enemy, is a problem for me. One I’m not sure I can get over. Are there any exceptions to this rule? Sure. I’ve known White men who were culturally Black, and no I don’t mean wanna be White boys, I mean guys who, for various reasons, were raised by or around Black people. With them, because there are cultural markers, I can relate and may, may, be able to cross the racial and political barrier.

Now, theses are my issues. But for Black women who can cross the White Line by all means do so. I want people to be happy and loved and wherever you can find it you need to hold onto it and keep it. For me, I will be keeping my options open, he just won’t be White.

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Brown Sugar

Lives in music, sits down to read like she’s at the Feast of Heaven, enters every room like a queen or a spy, reads faces the way a gypsy reads palms, knows sex the way a nomad knows the desert’s shifting sands, needs laughter to breathe, eats in celebration of taste, works joyously, loves uproariously, smiles insightfully, dreams delightfully.

12 thoughts on “Interracial Relationships: Anyone But a White Man For Me”

  1. You’ve just lost your guest spot on the next Oprah for this one! I would like to ADD to what you are saying and help us NEVER forget that whiteness is ready for all skin colors. The most melanized love of your life can be deeply white. What is whiteness? When you make the mistake of calling war “natural” that is a sure sign of whiteness. Too many self described “Black warriors” do this… I did in my twenties…

  2. You are so stupid! I mean, think about it,bm HATE dark skinned bw so what are you setting you future daughter up for when you have a child by one of these bm who are known for drooling over light/white women?70%of bw are single, what will it be when you future daughter grows up? Black women like you are very selfish and I put you in the same category as the bm who constantly degrade bw and place ANY light/white woman above us.

  3. I totally understand your post. I like in CA and as a chocolate girl…the brothers aren’t interested! And I am so conflicted about white guys. Especially the one who think of black girls as a stamp on their passport! I guess this means we’ve gotta run the gamut of the brown (and “yellow”) people!

  4. I care more about how we relate to each other and if the vibe is right than I do skin color. I think too many black women place too much emphasis on their color and even their shade of that color and its not only pessimistic but self-defeating.

  5. If I were to go white he’d be the darkest of the bunch like an Italian or somethin. I just like my men dark.

  6. “Culturally, I am VERY Black. Southern and Black to be exact. I am not the least bit assimilated. I do not worship at the alter of Whiteness nor am I impressed by it. I don’t Shift . I don’t alter my speech patterns, inflections, the way I laugh, anything, when I’m in the presence of White people.”

    I am a Southern-raised Black woman also, went to an HBCU (Go Rattlers!) and I don’t change/shift for anyone either. I work based on salary b/c I can’t afford not to at this point. I wouldn’t get with any man who didn’t appreciate me for ME, not b/c of what color I am/am not, how I wear my hair, or what I enjoy culturally. There are black men I don’t relate to b/c culturally I do what I please, not just things that “black people do”. I don’t restrict activities and desires based on things “black people don’t do”. My money and time are the same colors as anyone else..

    That being said, I’ve never gone out with a white or non-bm who didn’t see me as a person, instead of a racial group. It kinda sounds like that’s what you’re doing here, based on not wanting to date “the Enemy”. Not wanting mixed kids means not dating non-bm, since anything else would mean mixed kids. And only liking dark men means what, only black and dark-skinned latinos? Hey, you like what you like, I’m not knocking that.. for me its a numbers game. The more attractive (attractive to me, I recognize ‘whiteness’ isn’t attractive to you), successful, commitment-minded men I meet, the greater my chance of meeting the guy with the inner qualities I’m looking for.

    I never said I restrict my activities to what “black people do.” I’m not even sure what that means. I didn’t say my interest where in only dark-skinned black men or Latinos. And mixed-other is not the same burden as mixed black/white. I choose not to work corporate for a number of reasons of which the predominantly white environment is one. Considering I have worked, schooled and lived in such settings it wasn’t exactly a snap decision. I’m happy for you if you find love with whomever you find love with.

  7. my family is very diverse so for me single out a certain race as not allowed to date isn’t an option. i’m open to them all but i can understand fully why women wouldn’t date white man. as the eldest of four children (and the only one with my own father),i have witnessed the racial jokes my mothers said of the family have said. Since they know that my fathers’ side of the family is biracial they tell me constantly I better NOT bring a white man home. While the other side of my family welcomes all. I guess my mothers side of the family will just be missing out on their grandchildren or my marriage because regardless of what they say. I will MARRY/DATE whomever I please. Although I do respect and understand there reasoning.

  8. Your article is interesting and I can understand where your coming from. Your not interested in white guys cause your not attracted to them. And I think interracial dating is as simple as that. If your interested, go for it.

    I’m a relatively shy guy with women. Sometimes I find black women are more forward me to tell me/show me they are interested in me. Just a personal experience.

    Although 3 out of 6 of my steady girl friends have been black. I’m also from Canada. It’s alot more diverse than most people think. Race in Canada seems to be less of an issue. And I’m not saying this in a condescending way… black people in canada came here, instead of being brought here. So I could see how the ‘political’ issue could arise if I were an American white dating and american black woman.

    Those 3 (Ethiopian, Haitian, and Jamaican) girls have been absoloutely the best girlfriends. I think race played very little role in those relationships, and all ended well. Still all friends too. Our relationship ended over relationship stuff. not racial. Each time we had an honest and frank discussion on race. Just our thoughts and feelings. and it never really came up or became an issue after than.

    I tend to find black women more cautious and respectful of themselves too.

    I can’t explain it. i’m just more attracted to black women, i think that they’re the most beautiful women ont he face of the earth, and it seems hard for me to picture myself with someone who is white.

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