5 Questions Women Should Ask Men When Dating

Dating Questions Women Should Ask Men

So Mr Serial Divorcee Relationship Expert Steve Harvey has five questions all women should ask men when they are dating. While I don’t agree with most of Stevy Harvey’s brand of relationship advice I do believe that his “5 questions,” are pretty on point. I’d expand the list a bit but these five definitely cover the basics:

1. What are your short-term goals?
Steve says this is a question you need to ask on the first date. “That’s important. You want to know what a guy’s working on,” he says. “You listen very intently. You use your investigative skills. You be smart.”
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2. What are your long-term goals?
Every man needs to have a plan, Steve says. “They have to be different from the short-term goals,” he says. “If they’re not different, you have a guy that’s not really planning.”
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Once you’re armed with this information, Steve says you can decide whether you want to attach yourself to his plan and take the relationship to the next level.
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3. What are your views on relationships?
Family, friends, God … find out if these bonds are strong. Steve says a man’s relationship with his mother is the most critical. “If it’s nonexistent, that’s a red flag. If that bond has been tainted or broken, please know he has no problem tainting or breaking yours,” he says. “If you can’t love your mother, please know he is incapable of loving you.”
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If you’re spiritual — and he’s not — Steve says you probably won’t be able to change him.
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4. What do you think about me?
Steve says women should listen carefully to how a man answers this question. It may reveal a lot about the impression you’re making.
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“He’ll gladly tell you this. ‘I think that you’re great. I think you would make a great mother. I think you would be a terrific homemaker. I think you’re very independent. I think you’re very worthy,'” Steve says. “He’s going to tell you all of this stuff.”
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5. What do you feel about me?
Once you have the answer to the fourth question, immediately ask the last one on Steve’s list. In most cases, how a man feels about you will be very different from what he thinks of you.

These are questions that are great to ask if you’re at the point where you need to decide whether the relationship is going somewhere or not. I think in most cases 4 and 5 answer themselves, but there are plenty occasions where the signs aren’t that clear and you need a direct answer.

I would add that whatever answer you get for 4 and 5 you need to believe it. Don’t go second guessing what was said or trying to fit it into whatever you want him to mean. Take the man at face value – good or bad. You’ll be much happier for it.

Looking for a Husband? Date Marriage Minded Men

Date Marriage Minded Men

In Tell him to “Put a Ring On It” I briefly mentioned the need to date marriage minded men if marriage is your goal.

This should be a no-brainer when you’ve decided that you want more than a casual relationship, but for too many of us it’s not. Somehow we meet a guy, think he’s great and decide to ignore the fact that he said, “Well, I’m not looking for anything serious right now.”

Then we act all surprised when not only won’t he “put a ring on it,” he won’t “put a title on it,” either.

It’s time we stop with the insanity. Brandon St. Randy had a post up talking about the Indian way of marriage, where arranged marriages are still the norm and the more “progressive” dating process involves folk dating a few months before they walk down the aisle (or around the fire).

While I’m not sure full on arranged marriages are the way to go, I do believe there is a happy medium between arranged marriages and the western style of dating that will have you dating someone for years and still not sure if they’re the one for you.

The only point of dating is to find your future spouse. Not to end up in a perpetual pseudo marriage, only to have it end in heartbreak and pain when it doesn’t work out and then to start all over again. Honestly, if you’re a woman over 25 who wants to be married and have kids, then you should be dating with a purpose and not wasting your time on anyone who isn’t on the same page you’re on.

You have to be mercenary when dating, eliminating men on the first date who don’t meet your standards, share your values or goals.

Throw the “normal” dating rule out of the window.

Ask all of the “rude” first date questions on a first date.

If he isn’t giving the answers you’re looking for, then keep it moving. You don’t have time to waste on a guy who doesn’t want the same things you want. I guarantee when you give your dating a purpose you will feel so liberated. You will alleviate the stress associated with dating, guessing whether a man is into you or not, and waiting for him to decide your future for you.

And that’s an important point. Too often we let men determine the pace and future of our relationship lives. We wait for him to choose us as a potential date, girlfriend, wife. This can lead to disastrous results as some women spend years, decades even with men who have no intentions of proposing, even though they desperately want to be wife.

If you take control of your dating life by only dating marriage minded men then you eliminate all of this waiting around, hoping and praying for him to chose you. You all will choose each other and the relationship will be that much stronger for it.

Sleep With the Thug, Marry the Good Guy

You Sex The Bad Boy Not Marry Him

Songs like this make me want to slap whoever writes them. Unfortunately too many women practice this kind of garbage. There’s a very simple rule to live by: You sleep with the thug. You marry the good guy.

And no, before anybody starts fussin’ I don’t literally mean a thug, I just mean a playboy, bad boy or however you want to refer to those men you know you have no business being with, though the sex may be good.

The lyrics are telling:

If I could… could forget him
I would… please believe me
And I know that I should throw the towel in
But baby it’s not… not that easy
You treat me so much better than him
And if I was sane there’d be no competition
But… but I’m in love with someone else
And I’m so sorry
I’m in love with another man
And I know it aint right

I can’t explain why it’s him and not you
But at the end of the day baby I just don’t want to
Cause he aint no doctor
And we always seem to fight, he got the perfect body
And sometimes he don’t even treat me right
Oh but when I’m with him, but when I’m with him
When I’m with him, aint nobody else like it
I’m so sorry baby that I have to do this to you
But I can’t go on pretending…
Cause I love him, I love him
And I’m so sorry… do you hear me?

Who the hell leaves a doctor for some guy who doesn’t treat you right, you argue with, and isn’t going anywhere? What…because you love him…yeah…okay. That isn’t love Sullivan is singing about. That’s lust mixed with a healthy dose of stupidity.

The kind of “love” Sullivan is singing about will have you knocked up, alone, with an STD while your man is off “loving” someone else. No woman in her right mind leaves the man who has been good to her, taken good care of her, is looking to marry her for the guy who the only thing he has to offer is that he has the “perfect body” and can blow your back out.

The difference between being a grown woman and still thinking like a child is knowing everything that looks good (or feels good) to you ain’t good for you. If you’re thinking long term then you know Mr. Dependable always wins out over Mr. Feel Good. As a matter of fact it wouldn’t even be a competition.

Grown women know, even if you sleep with the thug, you don’t break up with the good guy. You get thug-boy out your system and you marry your man. While I don’t advocate cheating, I advocate stupidity even less. To any woman who would find herself in this situation I’d say: Grow the hell up. Your future is worth more than a good lay.

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Turns Out, You Should Tell Him to “Put a Ring On It”

Tell Him To Put A Ring On It

Last week we learned about the six guidelines for women to get married according to John T. Molloy and the research he conducted for his book, Why Men Marry Some Men and Not Others. That post focused on guideline 5: Keep in shape, watch your weight, and take care of your appearance.

This week I’m focusing on the #1 guideline women need to follow if they want to get married and that is to “insist on it.” Turns out, you have to tell the guy to “put a ring on it,” or it’s just not going to happen. When

When Mollow looked at men who had dated a woman for years and didn’t marry her and then turned around and married the next woman he dated after a very short amount of time, the difference was that the second woman made the guy commit early on in the relationship. She put it on the table that being with her meant marriage and after a designated period of time if he wasn’t proposing, she was walking.

Molloy readily recommends women being up front with their expectation of marriage, setting a date for the commitment to happen and then walking if it doesn’t:

If you meet a man who has had a long-term relationship, make it clear to him that if he dates you for a certain length of time, you’ll expect a ring. If he doesn’t understand that, you haven’t done your job. Don’t think his affirmative response to such a declaration is a precursor to his making a commitment. He’s strung many women along, and he may try it with you. If after six months you don’t have a firm commitment, leave.

Time is not on your side in the marriage lottery and Mollow stresses time and time again that wasting your time in a going nowhere relationship or with a man who isn’t looking to get married is marital suicide. Don’t do it to yourself. There’s no shame in leting your sgnificant other know that, “look, being with me means marriage.” If he balks at the idea then you know you need to keep it stepping and send him packing. To quote Beyonce: If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it.

Looking for Love? Let love Find You!

Stop Looking for Love

So often we have in our head the type of man we want. By the time we’ve graduated form college and head into the real world we’ve perfected our list of must-haves: tall, dark handsome, educated, ambitious, successful or headed in that direction….etc. But what happens when the love we were looking for turns out to look quite differently then the love that finds us?

Currently I find myself in an (almost) relationship with someone who is (almost) nothing like the man I see myself with. He’s not my physical ideal. He’s way to young and his choice of profession leaves a lot to be desired. But he’s sweet, funny and is more emotionally mature then men I’ve dated that were ten years his senior.

Even with all of his good qualities I still have a hard time admitting to myself that I like him. I don’t believe that all relationships have to end in marriage or that just because you like (love) someone means that is the person you should be with. Love is but one of many factors that have to be considered but he’s just so different from what I would choose for myself.

It was all an accident how we ended up (sorta) together to begin with but what was supposed to be causal turned into a lot more and I’m still wringing my hands about it. Arguably this is the most relaxed I’ve been with anyone in a long time. Minus a few initial bumps the relationship is drama free. He makes me laugh, I enjoy his company and the sex is good…yet I keep asking myself, “What are you doing with him?” I’m sure I’m not the only one who has found herself in this situation.

I think as women, we sometimes get so wrapped up in what our idea of Mr. Right is that we miss out on an actual Mr. Right that may waltz into out lives. I know I find myself in strange territory. I haven’t been seriously involved with someone in a few years at the earliest and that lasted a few months. And yet here I am, tiptoeing my way into a relationship with caution and my eyes wide open with a man I had determined wasn’t “getting any” and, once we crossed that barrier, was just going to be a “causal relationship, ” all at a time in my life when I definitely wasn’t looking for love.

Maybe that’s the problem. Sometimes we’re just looking to hard. Sometimes, just maybe, we should stop looking for love and let love find us.

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Note to Men: Stop Chasing Women You Can’t Afford

Date Your Wallet Not Your Fantasy

I have a pet peeve.

Men who believe that they should have a “dime” yet only amount to a nickel themselves and then these same men sit around and call all women gold diggers and complain how women won’t “give a good brother a try.”

See, the problem with this scenario is this: too many men believe a woman should lower her standards (whatever they may be) to be with them. This is especially true if the man doing the complaining is gainfully employed, college educated, has no kids and Black, but may not be bringing in doctor, lawyer, athlete, mogul money.

Now in fairness, all these men aren’t “nickels,” some are actually very good catches, but because they want the tens and twelves they aren’t paying attention to the sevens and eights.

Case in point:

I have a friend who I love dearly but he’s stuck in this land where he believes he should have a Beyonce or Halle Berry even though he isn’t Jay-Z or Gabriel Aubrey. Now mind you he is attractive, funny and talented and even though he was recently laid off (company relocated to Canada) he still has women, plenty of attractive, successful women who are looking to spend time with him, understand his situation and would have zero issues being his lady.

However, he always declines.

He says they aren’t his “physical ideal.”

He wants drop dead gorgeous.

Finally one day I said, “Stop going after women you can’t afford.”

He didn’t like that too much.

Then he proceeded to rant and rave about how women in New York won’t give a brother a shot and they only care about how much he makes, yadda, yadda, yadda.

So, me being the loving friend that I am, pointed out some very basic truths on how the world works,

“Beauty is a commodity. Women trade on it to marry the biggest fish they can catch. Women who spend their time and energy maintaining their looks are looking for someone who can afford to keep up their very expensive beauty regime. That shit ain’t cheap. No matter how great a guy you are, you can’t do that. SO why don’t you stop beating your head up against a brick wall and go after the woman you can afford and the ones who like you for who you are right now?”

He didn’t hear any of that.

Well he did, but he didn’t want to hear it.

Instead he talked about how he was going to hold out for his “ideal.”

You can guess how well that’s working for him.

And this is my problem with so many men I know: these men believe they are entitled to extraordinary women while being rather ordinary themselves and then want to complain about it, saying it’s the woman’s fault for not being able to see their value.

Right.

Newsflash: instead of calling the women you can’t afford golddiggers…how about you do what it takes to get the woman of your dreams…or date the women you can afford. This is not rocket science.

While there are plenty of men out there who don’t get it, there are others who do. Another homeboy of mine had a completely different take on the situation.

“I’m going to be rich and famous so I can date groupies,” he said.

“Why would you want to date groupies?”

“Because they are the best looking women out there. They keep themselves up because they are looking for ballers. You don’t have to worry about them getting fat ’cause they know they can be replaced and they will cater to all your needs ’cause they know if they don’t you will find someone who will.”

“Okay,” I said, “Makes sense.”

And it did.

Now you may think my homeboy is shallow, and that’s fine, I do too, but at least he’s not sitting around complaining that the hot girls he wants don’t want him and won’t give a broke college student a chance though he is a “good brotha.”

He understands something very basic: If you want the hot girl, you need to have hot girl money.

Simple.

So note to the fellas: Stop chasing women you can’t afford. You want the dimes you need to have dime money. If you don’t, there are plenty of attractive women who will want you for where you are right now. You don’t do yourself any favors by chasing some unattainable ideal. And in the end, you keep passing up perfectly good women for some chick who isn’t gonna pay you any attention…you will end up alone.

Take a cue from the ladies: women know where they fall on the attractiveness scale and they act acordingly.

If You Want to Find Love, Get A Life

It’s Time To Get A Life

Get a Life. It never ceases to amaze me how many women sit and complain that they can never meet a man but when you question them further you realize that all they do every day is go home, go to work and go to church.

Newsflash: You’re a grown ass woman. You need to do more then go to work, go home and go to church.

And how the hell do you expect to meet somebody if you’re not out there…well…meeting people. And when I say get a life I don’t mean go to your local nightclub or watering hole, I mean take up some activities. Try dancing, intramural sports or volunteer to sit on a committee that’s planning on putting on a big event (church committees don’t count)...something.

Not only will you enrich your life by getting involved in your community or picking up a new hobby but you will increase your chances of not only meeting someone but meeting someone who shares similar interests as you. How great would that be.

So once again I say….Get a Life. Not only might you find something you can be passionate about you may find someone you can be passionate about. And in the end that’s what it’s all about…wouldn’t you say.

Don’t Interrogate Your Date. It’s a Date Not an Inquisition.

Don’t Interrogate Your Date

Exhibit A: Lindsay’s Date With Oliver on Essence’s 30 Dates in 30 Days

Okay. I can be guilty of this one from time to time but I’ve learned to get the information I need without the guy feeling like he’s at the inquisition. Lindsay BADGERED this guy. LOL. She was in your face, overly aggressive, bordering on rude. She kept interrupting him. She made a lot of snide remarks. It was TOTALLY uncalled for.

Yes, you need to know things about a man. And yes there are many questions you should ask a guy on a first date (more on that later) but there is a certain finesse involved that she totally missed. You should let the conversation flow naturally. Give him a chance to ask you questions. Laugh. Flirt. Be playful. You’re looking for love. Not a story to make the 11 o’clock news.

The Black Man Shortage and What to Do About it

The Missing Black Men

So there’s a shortage of marriageable Black men. Of Black educated, professional men to be exact. This isn’t news. It’s so not news that I’m not going to even bother going into details about the how and the why things are the way they are. As a matter of fact I’m sure, if you’re reading this, then you know all the numbers regarding Black men as well as you know your ABC’s.

So the question isn’t why is there a shortage of marriageable Black men. The question is: What are you going to do about it?

So, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to sit around and whine and cry about the situation or are you going to get out there and find you a man who loves you and wants to marry you? If you choose the former you’re on the wrong blog. If it’s the latter keep reading.

The way I see there are only two ways to address this issue of lack of marriageable Black men:

Date the men who are available to you
Know the difference between what you want and what you need in a man and in a relationship.

The first is simple. If you live in a predominantly Black neighborhood. Work with majority Black people and your social circle is black and you’re saying you want to date interracially, you might have a problem.

The same issue applies in reverse. If you live in a predominantly White neighborhood and you work with majority white people and you’re constantly saying, “Oh no. Only a Brother for me.” Well, my guess is you’ll be spending a lot of lonely nights.

Black women read these next words and take them to heart: IF you want a successful relationship or marriage you HAVE to date the men who are AVAILABLE to you.

By available, I don’t mean any old bum who asks you out. I mean date the men who ask you out who fit what you’re looking for in a man and in a relationship, REGARDLESS of race/ethnicity. Don’t think you’re gonna meet your Black Prince if where you work, shop, live is filled more with Brad Pitts then Denzel Washingtons.

And if you’re a woman who wants to date out and you live in a Black mecca….don’t knock your interracial dreams but date the brothers as well. The reality is unless you plan on moving (and that’s an option) then you need to look at the men you meet every day as potential mates; Black, White or Other.

The second point is important and one that can save a lot of women time and energy invested in bad relationships. Know what you’re looking for in a man and a relationship. And know the difference between what you want and what you need. This is MONUMENTALLY important. Too many times women have this list of things their man MUST have but as they get older the list gets shorter and shorter ’till all that’s required is a pulse and a job (maybe). LOL.

Be honest with yourself about what you NEED. What are the things you can’t live without? Saying you want a man who is 6’1, dark skinned and making six figures is nice but are those attributes you CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT? (If you say yes then I just can’t help you. lol) What does a man have to have for you to be with him and be happy? What would make him the perfect boyfriend? Husband? Does he need to be romantic? Does he need to have a college education? Does he need to be a professional or is blue collar okay? Kids/No kids? And a host of other things you need to ask yourself.

Once you get the list down to your NEEDS then STICK TO IT. Don’t compromise on that list. Know that this is the list any man you’re looking to get serious with needs to live up too. This is something you should do even if you’re not currently looking for a serious relationship because at some point you will be and when you are, the list will be ready.

Don’t sit around and buy into the message that because you’re Black and female you are destined to be alone. Barring some pretty extraordinary circumstance no one has to be alone. So make sure you don’t end up as one of those lonely, Black female statistics.

Volume Dating and Stacking Your Dates

Learn The Art Of Volume Dating

Essence’s 30 Dates in 30 days is an excellent example of volume dating. Volume dating just means dating a lot people often and regularly. Remember, I said you wouldn’t have to kiss a lot of frogs but you would have to date them. Volume dating allows you to meet a lot of people and the more people you meet and date the better your chances of meeting Mr. Right.

So how does this work? Well, you can do it like they do on the Essence’s 30 Dates in 30 days where you have a date every night or you can do what I do and stack your dates.

How do you stack your dates? Well I figure there are only so many days in a week and only so many hours in day. Because I’m a busy person I don’t have a lot of time to date, so having a date every night wouldn’t work for me. Instead, I set up multiple dates on the same day. Here’s how it works:

Take a typical Saturday. I’ll set up an afternoon date. A 7pm date and a 10pm date. The noon date will usually be a first date. The 7pm date can either be a first or second date and the 10pm date is generally reserved for third dates or later, with the occasional second date if we’ve spent a lot of time together and NEVER for a first date.

It works like a charm and there are rarely any problems. What happens if someone wants to extend a date? You tell them you have other plans. If they persist, you tell them you have another date. So where are you going to meet all of these dates? Well if you follow my advice in How to Get a Date, you should be rolling in dates no time soon.

Ultimately, what volume dating and stacking your dates allows you to do is meet people, have fun and seriously increase your chances of finding that special someone. It’s just not for women on Essence’s 30 Dates in 30 Days. You can do it too.

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