Don’t Interrogate Your Date. It’s a Date Not an Inquisition.

Don’t Interrogate Your Date

Exhibit A: Lindsay’s Date With Oliver on Essence’s 30 Dates in 30 Days

Okay. I can be guilty of this one from time to time but I’ve learned to get the information I need without the guy feeling like he’s at the inquisition. Lindsay BADGERED this guy. LOL. She was in your face, overly aggressive, bordering on rude. She kept interrupting him. She made a lot of snide remarks. It was TOTALLY uncalled for.

Yes, you need to know things about a man. And yes there are many questions you should ask a guy on a first date (more on that later) but there is a certain finesse involved that she totally missed. You should let the conversation flow naturally. Give him a chance to ask you questions. Laugh. Flirt. Be playful. You’re looking for love. Not a story to make the 11 o’clock news.

Volume Dating and Stacking Your Dates

Learn The Art Of Volume Dating

Essence’s 30 Dates in 30 days is an excellent example of volume dating. Volume dating just means dating a lot people often and regularly. Remember, I said you wouldn’t have to kiss a lot of frogs but you would have to date them. Volume dating allows you to meet a lot of people and the more people you meet and date the better your chances of meeting Mr. Right.

So how does this work? Well, you can do it like they do on the Essence’s 30 Dates in 30 days where you have a date every night or you can do what I do and stack your dates.

How do you stack your dates? Well I figure there are only so many days in a week and only so many hours in day. Because I’m a busy person I don’t have a lot of time to date, so having a date every night wouldn’t work for me. Instead, I set up multiple dates on the same day. Here’s how it works:

Take a typical Saturday. I’ll set up an afternoon date. A 7pm date and a 10pm date. The noon date will usually be a first date. The 7pm date can either be a first or second date and the 10pm date is generally reserved for third dates or later, with the occasional second date if we’ve spent a lot of time together and NEVER for a first date.

It works like a charm and there are rarely any problems. What happens if someone wants to extend a date? You tell them you have other plans. If they persist, you tell them you have another date. So where are you going to meet all of these dates? Well if you follow my advice in How to Get a Date, you should be rolling in dates no time soon.

Ultimately, what volume dating and stacking your dates allows you to do is meet people, have fun and seriously increase your chances of finding that special someone. It’s just not for women on Essence’s 30 Dates in 30 Days. You can do it too.

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Knowing When to Move On Part Two

Knowing When To Move On Is Hard

I received a note from one of the Essence’s 30 Dates in 30 Days women, Michelle. Talk about surprised. Who knew people actually read this blog. LOL.

As the fourth 30 Dates woman on the scene, I’m going to have to politely disagree with your assessment JJ. I was in a relationship that lasted 5 years (6 years ago) and it didn’t work out. After that, I instituted a 2-year rule if it doesn’t happen by then, its time to move on. But this is only relevant if marriage is your end goal. I attended the wedding a few years back of a couple that dated for 10 years! TEN YEARS. They now have a baby and are happier than ever. Could it be an anomaly? Perhaps, but it could happen. The point being, there is no one-way to do anything. We all have to find our own way, and make our own mistakes.

First, thanks Michelle for reading and commenting on the blog. Hope you keep coming back. And good luck on those dates! Now I obviously disagree and here’s why:

1. There are exceptions to every rule. But that doesn’t mean that the rule doesn’t apply. Do you want to be the exception or do you want to be married?

2. Everything I wrote applied ONLY to women who are looking to be married. If you’re not looking to be married then what I wrote isn’t for you.

3. The only time the year-and-a-half/two-year rule wouldn’t apply is if you were in school, or military service, Peace Corps, or some other major time-centric commitment.

4. And like I said in the comment section to Michelle, why would you give someone that much power in your life? Men are still the one’s who propose in this society and if he’s not proposing why would you sit around hoping, wishing, praying for him to propose? Why would you not take your life into your own hands, move on and find someone who wants to marry you?

Knowing When to Move On

Knowing When To Move On Is Hard

Okay, so in a previous post I talked about the fallacy of chemistry and why it shouldn’t be used as the sole criteria when deciding on a second date.

Now I’m going to address a really important issue that I think women in general and Black women in particular need to understand, and that’s knowing when to move on from a relationship that isn’t going anywhere. This is something that is SUPER important to understand. Knowing when to move on could mean the difference between being married at 28 or single and broken hearted at 35.

The reason I felt the need to address this issue is because on Essence 30 Dates in 30 Days the first three women who went on dates had all recently ended longterm relationships and two of the women had been in relationships that had lasted for five years. Five years.

Yeah.

Newsflash…and I’m going to put this as clearly and succinctly as possible…if you’ve been dating a man of a year and half and he hasn’t proposed–he ain’t gonna. More importantly, HE DOESN”T WANT TO MARRY YOU.

Did you get that?

If not I’ll say it again: HE DOESN”T WANT TO MARRY YOU.

Now it doesn’t matter what reason he has for NOT proposing. It all adds up to he doesn’t want you. Period. It’s that damn simple.

Spending five years (hell two years) of your life, when you are at a marriageable age, wanting to be married, with a man who has not proposed and most likely hasn’t even MENTIONED marriage is STUPID and counter-productive.

You aren’t getting any younger. Your eggs aren’t getting any younger. If you want to be married and to have kids, then start dating men who want the same thing you want. There are men out there who want to be married and are ready to do so. But you can’t make a man who doesn’t want to get married marry you. You just can’t. So stop trying.

SO, what do you do if you find yourself in a longterm relationship with a man who’s made it clear that he doesn’t want to get married or is always hollering, “Not now, later.”

You leave him.

You tell him why and you bounce. And if he doesn’t come back with an engagement ring, you cut your ties and you find you someone who wants to marry you.

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The Fallacy of Chemistry

Don’t Rely Solely On Chemistry

So I’ve been watching Essence 30 Dates in 30 Days. I won’t comment on Essence continuing to feed into the, “Black women are so desperate and they can’t think of anyting else but how to get a man,” message that seems to be everywhere these days. But I will say the show offers a good case study on dating and what some (many) Black women are doing wrong (and what we’re doing right) when it comes to trying to find Mr. Right.

The first mistake I see being made by the women who’ve completed their dates is s common problem among all women (men too) thanks to Hollywood movies and Western ideals of love: The reliance on Chemistry

On all of the dates women kept talking about Chemistry. How they had Chemistry with this guy or didn’t have it with that guy. And the women were using, “Chemistry” to determine whether a guy was worthy of a second date.

Bad idea.

Trying to determine whether or not you have chemistry with someone after a first date is just silly. Chemistry is not an instant thing. Sometimes it needs room to grow but if you’re quick to dismiss a guy because you didn’t get the warm and fuzzes after your first date you could be missing out.

AND just because you have Chemistry with someone doesn’t mean they are the best fit for you. You have to be able to look past those initial butterflies and really be able to asses the man and see if what he’s offering is truly what you want and need. You can’t base a decision on who to get involved with simply on “He makes me feel all tingly inside.” To do so is to possibly overlook the guy who is truly your perfect match.