Tell Him to “Put A Ring On It”

If He Wants It He Will Put A Ring On It

Up in the club (club), we just broke up (up) I’m doing my own little thing You decided to dip (dip), but now you want to trip (trip) Cause another brother noticed me I’m up on him (him), he up on me (me) Don’t pay him any attention Cause I cried my tears (tears), for three good years (years) You can’t be mad at me

[Chorus] Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it Don’t be mad once you see that *he* want it If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

And so goes Beyonce’s Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It). And while I believe Beyonce needs to go sit down somewhere and take a break…she has a point.

How many of you ladies out there hollering you want to get married are telling your men to “Put a ring on it?”

A Few Questions

1. How many of you are with men who you know don’t want to be married. Ever. Or better yet simply don’t want to be married to you, yet you stay with him anyway hoping to change his mind?

2. How many of you have men who you have been with 2+ years and you want to get married, but every time you bring it up he changes the topic? Or he keeps saying it will happen…one day…but they day never seems to come?

3. How many of you have men you’ve been with for awhile but are to0 afraid to bring up the subject of marriage for fear that it will scare him off and he will leave you?
How many?

See, too many women who should be telling a brother to “put a ring on it,” are too afraid to do so. Instead, they are staying with men hoping, praying, wishing, that the man will come to his senses and propose, so they can live happily ever after.

Listen Up Ladies

There’s nothing wrong with telling a brother that marriage is what you want and expect. As a matter of fact, if you’re serious about getting married, then you better tell a brother that that’s what you want or you’ll find yourself with a boyfriend for eight years, a couple of babies and no ring on your finger.

You can talk to me all day long about the numbers, but it seems to me too many women are willing to hold on to any man just to say they have one and are too willing to compromise their wants, needs and desires just to keep one.

How many of you actually date marriage minded men?

How many of you ask a guy before you get involved with him what he is looking for…whether he is looking for something casual or something more serious?

If you did ask, how many of you listened to what he told you? Or did you say, “I can change his mind,” if he told you he was just looking for something casual?
How many?

At some point Black women are going to have to take responsibility for their lack of marriage. We all know the problems. It’s time we start focusing on solutions. You want to get married, then you need to date marriage minded men.

You need to ask a guy what he’s looking for early on, so you know if this guy is looking for something serious or something casual. If it’s casual and that’s not what you want then you need to move on. Stop believing you can change a man’s mind.

If you’ve been with a guy for awhile and you want to know where the relationship is going…you need to ask. If he doesn’t give you the answer you want to hear, then leave. Relationships are about compatibility. If you want to get married and he doesn’t, then you’re not compatible. It really is that simple.

Sisters need to stop selling themselves short and giving up their power to the men in their lives. There’s nothing wrong with telling a man to “Put a ring on it.” And if he balks at the idea., find someone who will. Life’s too short to wait on someone who doesn’t want you.

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Why Women Choose to be The Other Woman

Is Being The Other Woman Worth It?

So in the last post, “Why the Jumpoff has It Better Than Wifey,” the comment section exploding with folk giving the definition of a jumpoff vs. a mistress vs. a ho. And all I could think to myself was: Whatever you want to call it…you’re still The Other Woman.

You’re second best.

You’re getting the “sloppy seconds.”

And it also made me wonder why women so willingly participate in a system designed to solely benefit the men. Let’s face it, in the last post the one person that generally comes out the “winner” is the man who is having his cake and eating it too.

Notice how there is no male equivalent to descriptions such as “ho,” “jumpoff,” and “mistress.” There are no “Misters,” running abut, now are there. And that’s simply because in the patriarchal society in which we live, sex is a winning game for me and a losing one for women.

But I digress.

I’m a little curious on why women decide to be The Other Woman. I’m not naive. In a situation where a man was paying off my student loans, buying me a house and car in my name and putting a five-figure amount of cash in my account each month – I might be willing to get my cluck-cluck on. Who am I kidding, I would get my cluck-cluck on.

But that’s not the case for most women. Most chicks are the side-piece to regular dudes. They may (and I stress may) get lunch or dinner before they get their back blown out at some sleazy motel…or creeping at the house before the spouse comes home. They’re not exactly sipping Dom Perignon and staying at the Four Seasons.

So, I’m calling all mistresses to tell your story. Why are you the side-piece? What are you getting out of it? And do you not feel guilty for potentially breaking up a family? Send me your responses via e-mail (tsjohnson5@gmail.com). They can be up to 500 words. And I will post your stories, anonymously of course.

4 Ways the Jumpoff Has It Better Than Wifey

Better The Jumpoff Than The Wife

In the infamous Myspace Battle between Tiny and some random chick Tiny (allegedly) said the following:

“The only thing you can do is s*ck his d*ck no matter what I HAVE HIS HEART!!”

I have his heart?

What does that mean exactly?

And let’s be real, Tiny isn’t the only woman who subscribes to this train of thought.

It seems like when it comes to famous men, their ladies and their jumpoffs, everyone acts like the jumpoffs are the problem, that somehow if he is your man then you’re the winner in the, I Got Me a Baller Sweepstakes. The reality however, is quite different. In my opinion the jumpoff is the winner, and here’s why:

1. I Have His Heart

Really? So what does having his heart mean exactly? He likes you a lot? He loves you? We know it doesn’t mean sexual fidelity. Does it mean he’ll be there for wifey if she’s sick? She’ll be there for him if he’s sick? What? Does it mean that it’s special when wifey sucks his dick, ’cause let’s be real…she’s sucking his dick too. And here’s the thing…what makes wifey think he doesn’t like/love the jumpoff?

2. He Takes Care of Me

Okay…but to quote T.I.’s latest joint – It ain’t tricking if you got it. And anyone whose read any of Karrine’s books knows that ballers don’t mind dropping major cash on The Other Woman. So it doesn’t seem like wifey is getting a leg up on the jumpoff in this category either. Yes, if you’re married there are legal protections there…but it doesn’t stop the jumpoff from getting broke off…and if she’s smart, any big ticket item she gets will be in her name, so legally the wife wouldn’t be able to touch them if they ended up in divorce or upon his death. So you got Louis and she’s got Louis…seems like a draw to me. And if you’re just the girlfriend and not the wife…well…

3. I”m the Mother of His Children

Ask Kim, Diddy’s ex how well that’s worked out for her. Diddy’s jumpoff in Atlanta got his baby too and will be getting fat checks as well. Nuff said.

4. Quality Time

So the wifey gets quality time? She goes on vacations and other expensive trips. Sure, but so does the jumpoff. Going back to the Jumpoff Bible…Steffans went on many a expensive trip and stayed in many an expensive hotel on somebody else’s man’s dime. My homeboy used to do marketing and PR for some of Miami’s top clubs and when D. Wade and Hoopz were dating he used to see them out and abou….his wife was at home…pregnant…with his other son.

So I ask again: How is wifey the winner in all of this? The Other Woman is doing quite nicely. She’s getting money that could be spent on wifey and her kids. She’s getting time that could be spent with wifey and her kids.

Presumably, the jumpoff doesn’t have to deal with him when he’s tired, sick, injured or what not. She gets all the good times while wifey gets everything else. Wifey’s home with the kids, while her man is out and about with The Other Woman.

So really, what does wifey have that the jumpoff doesn’t have?

His Heart?

Yeah.

Okay.

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Note to Men: Stop Chasing Women You Can’t Afford

Date Your Wallet Not Your Fantasy

I have a pet peeve.

Men who believe that they should have a “dime” yet only amount to a nickel themselves and then these same men sit around and call all women gold diggers and complain how women won’t “give a good brother a try.”

See, the problem with this scenario is this: too many men believe a woman should lower her standards (whatever they may be) to be with them. This is especially true if the man doing the complaining is gainfully employed, college educated, has no kids and Black, but may not be bringing in doctor, lawyer, athlete, mogul money.

Now in fairness, all these men aren’t “nickels,” some are actually very good catches, but because they want the tens and twelves they aren’t paying attention to the sevens and eights.

Case in point:

I have a friend who I love dearly but he’s stuck in this land where he believes he should have a Beyonce or Halle Berry even though he isn’t Jay-Z or Gabriel Aubrey. Now mind you he is attractive, funny and talented and even though he was recently laid off (company relocated to Canada) he still has women, plenty of attractive, successful women who are looking to spend time with him, understand his situation and would have zero issues being his lady.

However, he always declines.

He says they aren’t his “physical ideal.”

He wants drop dead gorgeous.

Finally one day I said, “Stop going after women you can’t afford.”

He didn’t like that too much.

Then he proceeded to rant and rave about how women in New York won’t give a brother a shot and they only care about how much he makes, yadda, yadda, yadda.

So, me being the loving friend that I am, pointed out some very basic truths on how the world works,

“Beauty is a commodity. Women trade on it to marry the biggest fish they can catch. Women who spend their time and energy maintaining their looks are looking for someone who can afford to keep up their very expensive beauty regime. That shit ain’t cheap. No matter how great a guy you are, you can’t do that. SO why don’t you stop beating your head up against a brick wall and go after the woman you can afford and the ones who like you for who you are right now?”

He didn’t hear any of that.

Well he did, but he didn’t want to hear it.

Instead he talked about how he was going to hold out for his “ideal.”

You can guess how well that’s working for him.

And this is my problem with so many men I know: these men believe they are entitled to extraordinary women while being rather ordinary themselves and then want to complain about it, saying it’s the woman’s fault for not being able to see their value.

Right.

Newsflash: instead of calling the women you can’t afford golddiggers…how about you do what it takes to get the woman of your dreams…or date the women you can afford. This is not rocket science.

While there are plenty of men out there who don’t get it, there are others who do. Another homeboy of mine had a completely different take on the situation.

“I’m going to be rich and famous so I can date groupies,” he said.

“Why would you want to date groupies?”

“Because they are the best looking women out there. They keep themselves up because they are looking for ballers. You don’t have to worry about them getting fat ’cause they know they can be replaced and they will cater to all your needs ’cause they know if they don’t you will find someone who will.”

“Okay,” I said, “Makes sense.”

And it did.

Now you may think my homeboy is shallow, and that’s fine, I do too, but at least he’s not sitting around complaining that the hot girls he wants don’t want him and won’t give a broke college student a chance though he is a “good brotha.”

He understands something very basic: If you want the hot girl, you need to have hot girl money.

Simple.

So note to the fellas: Stop chasing women you can’t afford. You want the dimes you need to have dime money. If you don’t, there are plenty of attractive women who will want you for where you are right now. You don’t do yourself any favors by chasing some unattainable ideal. And in the end, you keep passing up perfectly good women for some chick who isn’t gonna pay you any attention…you will end up alone.

Take a cue from the ladies: women know where they fall on the attractiveness scale and they act acordingly.

There’s the Man You Date and There’s the Man You Marry

The Man You Marry, Know The Difference

So often we here from men (and other women) that there are women you date and there are women you marry or, to put more crassly, you can’t turn a ho into a housewife. Well, the same applies to men. There is the man you date and there is the man you marry or, put another way, you can’t turn a hustler into a husband, and as women, we need to stop trying.

By “hustler” I don’t mean men who may be involved in illegal activities, I mean men who don’t have the emotional maturity, interest or ability to fully commit to one woman and family life. To often women take on the mentality that, “I can change him,” or “Love will conquer all.” Well I’m sorry to disappoint, but that works in movies and fairytales, there is a reason why they end at “Happily Ever After.”

You need to know they type of man you have. All relationships don’t have to or should end in marriage. And if the only reason you have for getting married is because you, “love him” then I need you to seriously rethink your decision. Love is but one factor in many that one needs to consider before walking down the aisle. All men, regardless of how much you may love each other, are not ready for marriage and you can’t make him ready, that’s something he has to do on his own.

So to save yourself a lot of heartache and pain, ask yourself if the man you’re with is really husband material. Is he ready to fully commit to you? To family? Will he be able to handle the ups and downs that come with married life? Are you all on the same page on the major issues: sex, finances, children, religion? Have you even talked about these things?

If the answer is no, then have the necessary discussions and if the answers aren’t what you need them to be then you know he’s a man you date, not one you marry.

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Wearing a Man Down is NOT a Marriage Strategy

Do You Have A Viable Marriage Strategy?

On Knowing When to Move On, a commenter posted the following:

And not for nothing, a lot of women can wear a man down or be the last option standing after a 10yr wait! It happens all the time… By then he has pressure from everyone to “do the right thing” so he usually does. That’s not the best way to make it to the alter. Although I have seen it A LOT, and everyone lies to themselves about the situation! That is until the sad little marriage falls apart. Then everyone remembers that it took the couple 10 yrs to agree that they wanted to get married!(and fyi: these marriages usually look real good at first!)

Wearing a man down not a marriage strategy. I know so many women who believe if they just stick around long enough then they will be rewarded for their stupidity loyalty with a gold ring. I know a woman who waited EIGHT years for her man to propose. He did. Add while they have been married for awhile they are having problems. Namely, he wants more kids (they have one) and she does not. Something you think they would have figured out in eight years of dating.

We can look to celebrity couples for this sort of thing as well, with mixed results. You have Diddy and Kim who, after 3 kids, 13 years and 1 J-Lo still could not convince Combs to marry her. And then there is Tiny and T.I. who, after 2 kids, 1 miscarriage, and a possible 10 year prison sentence finally got around to asking his long term girlfriend to marry him. The jury is still out on whether they actually make it down the aisle.

And our entertainment gives us such nonsense as well. Sex in the City perpetuated this foolishness by having Big FINALLY (sort of) propose to Carrie after 10 years of off and on dating and adultery–leading women to believe that they too can get their Mr. Big if they just wait long enough. Sigh. The lesson one should take from Sex in the City should be screw a Mr. Big…marry Aidan.

I don’t get this. I don’t get this laser focus on one man that will cause someone to give up years, decades even, of their life in hopes that this man will propose, with no guarantee that that is how things are going to work out (think Kim and Diddy). As I often ask on this blog, why are women so willing to give u their power? Contrary to all of the talk, getting married isn’t that difficult. And the one easiest way to see that it happens, is to follow this very simple advice: If you’re with a man who doesn’t want to get married, when you’re looking to get married, for whatever reason, then drop him and find you someone who is.

Simple.

Relationships are about compatibility and if you’re seeking marriage and he is not then you all are not compatible. Hoping, praying, begging, pleading, waiting is not going to make him marry you. And even if he does…what kind of marriage will it be? I don’t know about anyone else, but I want a man who wants to marry me, not one I had to drag, kicking and screaming, to the alter.

3 Signs Your Man is Cheating

Top Signs Man Is Cheating

So in Top 5 Signs You are Not His (Only)

Woman seems like those who commented on the post wanted to know how to tell if your man was cheating:

I dig what you’re saying but what about the supposed wifey/main chick who hears from him at regular hours, has met his friends and family, gets taken out, etc. yet is still being cheated on? How’s she supposed to know? That’s a list I’d like to read = )
– Jennifer

However, what about the guy who is doing everything right, calling during the day, you have met his friends, you are super close, didn’t give up the panties until months in…..but you find out he is cheating and wonder how did he pull it off?? Ain’t that many hours in the day….lol
– Posh

yeah im with jennifer these are obvious signs that he isnt your but like she siad what about if none of these signs describe him and you still think he is with someone else
– Cherish

Well, you know, I don’t believe that there is a woman alive who doesn’t know her man is cheating. I believe signs are everywhere and that women choose to ignore the obvious. You know your man and you know when something isn’t right.

For example: With one of my exes who I was off and on with for a year or so, I always knew when he was about to bounce. He was the type who would always call when he said he would. ALWAYS. So when he’s start not calling me back after saying he would call, I knew he was about to pull one of his disappearing acts. It never failed. It was always the same.

Another ex, would pick random fights with me for no reason when he was about to break up with me. Always. I knew it was coming because we would be fine and then for no reason he would cop a huge attitude, pick a fight and then bounce. My clue there was another woman.

So my point is, there are always signs. You’re just (willfully) ignoring them. We all perform a certain level of cognitive dissonance in out lives and I don’t know anyone who is more willingly delusional than a woman who doesn’t want to believe her man is cheating.

Here are a few red flags that he may be tipping out:

1. Sudden Changes in Schedule/Routine

Did he used to go to the gym in the mornings and now he goes in the evening? Is there no real explanation for the change. Has he stopped doing something, or stated doing something that he wasn’t doing before? Was there no warning and when you ask you get vague answers?

2. More Time at Work

Is he all of a sudden spending more time at work, but like the changes in schedule, it’s abrupt with no warning. As far as you know there isn’t any new project or responsibilities that he as at his job, but all of a sudden he seems to spend more and more time there. When you ask about all the new hours, he doesn’t give you an answer that’s worth the time he took to say it.

3. The Sex/Grooming/Weight Changes

This is actually the easiest way to tell if a woman is cheating but works for a man as well. Is the sex drastically different? More frequent? Less frequent? Is he doing different stuff? Is he spending more time on his looks then he was before? Has he started losing weight? Wearing cologne? Keeping a fresh cut? Dapper down?

Yeah, you might want to chalk the new found sexiness up to a new woman.

But you know this. Like I said, women know when their men are tipping out. By the time you satrt asking the question, “Is he cheating,” you already know the answer. You know your man better than I do. And if you’re honest with yourself, the question isn’t, “Is he cheating,” the real question is, “What are you going to do about it?.”

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Top 5 Signs You’re Not His (Only) Woman

Five Signs He’s Cheating On You

Many women I know or have known claim they have a man or that someone they’re seeing really cares about them , but when you hear the details of their “relationship” you realize that it’s no relationship at all but an extended booty call. She’s making time with a guy when she is definitely NOT the only chick and more than like not even the main chick.

1. He only calls you after 11pm

Let’s face it, if he can’t call you doing normal business hours, you are not his woman. If the only time he can pick up the phone (or text) you is doing standard booty call hours you have to ask yourself who he’s calling when he’s not calling you.

2. The only time he calls is when he wants sex

Regardless of the hour of day he’s calling, if the only time he calls is when he’s looking for a little bedroom action, well he may like your lady parts but he definitely doesn’t like you.

3. You haven’t met any of his friends and family

If a guy is really into a chick he’s going to (eventually) introduce her to friends and family. At the very least his friends and family will be aware that you exist. If you’ve never met anyone who is close to him, there is a good reason why and it’s not one that’s good for you.

4. He never takes you out

If the only thing he wants to do is hang out at the house and he never takes you out or attempts to take you out, there’s a reason for that. Believe me if he’s not taking you out, there’s a good chance that he ‘s out with someone else. And even if he’s not dating someone else, his unwillingness to take you out is a good sign that he hasn’t any real interest in you. You are definitely not his woman.

5. You don’t know how he spends his time when he’s not with you

If you’re clueless about how he spends his time when he’s not with you, then you don’t know him and if you don’t know him, you’re not his woman. If you ask him, “what did you do today,” and his answers are always vague, well just assume he was doing things (or spending time with someone) he doesn’t want you to know about. And if that is the case…well…you’re better off finding another man ’cause the one you have isn’t yours

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How Soon is too Soon for Sex?

How Soon Is Too Soon For Sex In A Relationship

This is a question that women constantly agonize over. In a world that’s still quick to label a woman who falls out of accepted sexual norms, many women are still wary of “getting their numbers up.”

Well, my short answer to this question is whatever seems right for you. Having sex with someone is an intensely personal decision. You need to feel comfortable with your decision and only do what seems like the right decision for you.

Now with that said I’ll tell you the rules I live my life by:

1. When a girl just wants to have fun

There really isn’t a right time or wrong time in this scenario. If I like you and you like me and we’re on the same page–then all systems go. Suit up and enjoy the ride so to speak.

2. Looking for a relationship

I’ve got a pretty solid (at least)

I’ve got a pretty solid (at least) two-month rule. Usually, at the two-month mark you have at least 3 or 4 dates under your belt and you have a pretty good idea of who the person is. You know whether you all have enough in common to make a relationship work, whether there is something that should keep you from dating him or hell just whether you even like the guy as much as you thought.

Rarely has my two-month rule failed me. And unfortunately for a lot of men have aided in my decision to keep my panties on. The other thing is, no matter how great the relationship is, there is no sex unless we end up together.

Otherwise, you end up in what I like to call a pseudo-relationship, ya’ll together in everything but name only, yet dude is giving you fifty-elven excuses about why ya’ll are not “official.” Oh, but he reserves the right to be mad if he finds out you’re seeing someone else.

No thank you. I’ll pass.

In the end. How you decided to navigate the sexual waters is up to you, but make sure it’s you do so in a way that works for you and your needs, wants and desires and not because you feel pressured into doing something to make someone else feel good.

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Stop Playing Wife If Your Man’s Not Playing Husband

Stop Playing Wife When You’re Just A Girlfriend

To all the desperate women out there: Stop it. You’re making it hard for the rest of us. I’m tired of encountering men who seem to believe all they have to do is look good, have a degree and smile to have my panties fall off.

I’m tired of the men who’s first question seems to be: Can you to cook? To which I reply: Yes. I can. But I won’t be doing it for you.

I’m tired of the men who call at all times of night, asking to come over and “chill” as I let them know that it’s too late to be at my crib and what ever “chilling” they want to do can be done between the hours of 9 and 10.

Or how about the men who don’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of but seem to think it’s their right in life to have a “dime.” And that my extra fly ass should be grateful that they even said hello to me and can’t possibly understand why I’m not leaping up and down at the prospect of being with them.

And please, don’t get me started on all of the men who tell me that I want them as much as they want me. Right. So all those texts and phone calls I didn’t return didn’t send the message that I wasn’t interested , huh?

The reason why so many men today think that they have to do so little to attract quality chicks, is because they don’t. Too many women out here will do whatever it takes to find, get and keep a man, turning the whole natural order of the dating world on its head. Women are doing the chasing and men are doing the choosing. And apparently I’m the only one who seems to think something is wrong with that.

I’m old school. I may only be 28, but I was raised to believe that it’s a man’s job to court me. He does the chasing. I do the choosing. Simple. And effective. But now, because of the very real demographic differences among a certain section of the Black community, women are doing whatever it takes to get a man. And I do mean whatever.

If that means cooking, cleaning, sexing, cow towing, begging, pleading, giving money to, letting live with, catching a case for (no lie) or just being a 21st century rendition of a Geisha with none of the perks who completely takes Destiny’s Child “Cater to You” to heart with little to no reciprocation, then so be it. If that’s what it takes to get and keep a man, then that is what too many women are willing do.

I’m sorry, but I just can’t get down like that. As I have had to tell one too many men: I am not your wife. And even if I was, I wouldn’t be bending over backward to cater to you. If you want 150% from me, then you better be giving me 150% in return. But don’t expect to operate on 10% and expect me to give you 150. If you’re operating on 10%, I’m operating on 20 and that’s just because I’m nice–sometimes.

To put simply: I give as good as I get. You wanna wife, you need to put a ring on my finger. I don’t play wife, unless you’re playing husband. A sentiment I wish more young women would take to heart.

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