When Does Infidelity Stop Being a Forgivable Indiscretion?

Is Infidelity Ever Truly Forgivable?

Now I know for some of you this question seems silly. For you, all Infidelity is never a “forgivable indiscretion.” It is always a time for handing out walking papers.

However, for many couples, cheating isn’t the end all be all of their relationship. Many people try to stay and work it out. For many people the nature and duration of the infidelity factor into whether they will stay or leave as does the nature and duration of one’s relationship. Mortgages, kids, family, and finances also all play a role in whether many people will stay or go.

In the case of Tiger and Elin Woods, it seems she may have been willing to stay when it was 2 or three mistresses (home in Sweden notwithstanding), but when the number reached 10 (now 13 and counting) whatever counseling sessions they were having seemed moot at that point. Who wants to forgive a man who was having multiple overlapping affairs without condoms, in church parking lots and while you were pregnant?

Hell, when the mistress count was 2 or 3 I was all on the “Get the money, girl” train. It made perfect sense for Elin to renegotiate her prenup and take that 5 million dollar lump sum. Why leave all of that money on the table when your husband embarrassed you in such a public way and betrayed your marriage with so many women. It made sense to stay and hit him where it hurts.

But when the count begin to increase and all the other tidbits came out regarding Tiger’s sexual proclivities, add in the porn stars and there was no amount money that could buy back the level of embarrassment, health risks, and sheer disrespect Tiger heaped on his wife and family. We obviously don’t know what she’s going to do, but I have definitely retired my “Get that money girl,” stance. My attitude now is that she should get out and get out fast.

At some point, your self-respect is worth more than any dollars that may fall your way and if Elin stayed now she’d look like a complete an utter fool. Three means get revenge, then bounce. Ten means leave as soon and as quickly as possible. But most of us aren’t married to multi-millionaires where we stand to make out quite nicely in the even to of a divorce.

So the question is: When is enough enough?

When does cheating go from forgivable indiscretion to hit the road jack?

What is your breaking point?

Do You Want a Wedding? Or Do You Want a Marriage?

Is It The Marriage Or Wedding You Want?

There’s a lot of hemming and hawing in the black blogsphere as well as in the mainstream media on how impossible it is for a black woman to get married (I’d argue it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, but that’s another post for another day). But one question I think black women should ask themselves if it’s a marriage they really want or is it a wedding?

I watch “Say yes to the Dress” and other wedding shows. And to me it always seems that the women have every detailed planned for their wedding, down to the color of the flowers going in the flower girls’ headpiece, but I wonder if they have put that much planning into their actual marriages.

I know plenty of black women who have every detail of their wedding planned, yet they have no man. I know women who were obsessing over wedding magazines, but had never had a conversation with their future spouse over how the finances are going to be handled. There are couples who spend tens of thousands of dollars on a wedding and all of its surrounding events, but have yet to have a conversation how many children they are going to have, if any.

A wedding is a day. A marriage (ideally) is a lifetime. If you don’t want to end up in the divorce statistics, you should spend more time planning for your marriage and less planning for a day that is more for the wedding guests then the couple getting married.

Here is a list of 20 questions you should ask before you get married. If you look at the list and realize you haven’t asked even half of these questions then you know the least of you concerns is the perfect color fo your bridesmaids’ dresses:

Question 1: What percentage of our income are we prepared to spend to purchase and maintain our home on a monthly or annual basis?

Question 2: Who is responsible for keeping our house and yard cared for and organized? Are we different in our needs for cleanliness and organization?

Question 3: How much money do we earn together? Now? In one year? In five years? Ten? Who is responsible for which portion? Now? In one year? Five? Ten?

Question 4: What is our ultimate financial goal regarding annual income, and when do we anticipate achieving it? By what means and through what efforts?

Question 5: What are our categories of expense (rent, clothing, insurance, travel)? How much do we spend monthly, annually, in each category? How much do we want to be able to spend?

Question 6: How much time will each of us spend at work, and during what hours? Do we begin work early? Will we prefer to work into the evening?

Question 7: If one of us doesn’t want to work, under what circumstances, if any, would that be okay?

Question 8: How ambitious are you? Are we comfortable with the other’s level of ambition?

Question 9: Am I comfortable giving and receiving love sexually? In sex, does my partner feel my love for him or her?

Question 10: Are we satisfied with the frequency of our lovemaking? How do we cope when our desire levels are unmatched? A little? A lot? For a night? A week? A month? A year? More?

Question 11: Do we eat meals together? Which ones? Who is responsible for the food shopping? Who prepares the meals? Who cleans up afterward?

Question 12: Is each of us happy with the other’s approach to health? Does one have habits or tendencies that concern the other (e.g., smoking, excessive dieting, poor diet)?

Question 13: What place does the other’s family play in our family life? How often do we visit or socialize together? If we have out-of-town relatives, will we ask them to visit us for extended periods? How often?

Question 14: If we have children, what kind of relationship do we hope our parents will have with their grandchildren? How much time will they spend together?

Question 15: Will we have children? If so, when? How many? How important is having children to each of us?

Question 16: How will having a child change the way we live now? Will we want to take time off from work, or work a reduced schedule? For how long? Will we need to rethink who is responsible for housekeeping?

Question 17: Are we satisfied with the quality and quantity of friends we currently have? Would we like to be more involved socially? Are we overwhelmed socially and need to cut back on such commitments?

Question 18: What are my partner’s needs for cultivating or maintaining friendships outside our relationship? Is it easy for me to support those needs, or do they bother me in any way?

Question 19: Do we share a religion? Do we belong to a church, synagogue, mosque or temple? More than one? If not, would our relationship benefit from such an affiliation?

Question 20: Does one of us have an individual spiritual practice? Is the practice and the time devoted to it acceptable to the other? Does each partner understand and respect the other’s choices?

Working Out on a Budget: Don’t Let the Recession Make You Fat

Lacking the money to reach your fitness goals? The recession has been hard on everyone, especially black women. Fitness equipment manufacturers, fitness clubs and the rest of the fitness industry hasn’t been immune to the downturn either. Because of the recession fitness equipment sales are down as are fitness club memberships are down for the first time in 20 years. Americans just aren’t willing to spend the money on keeping fit like they once were:

Economic hard times have Americans downsizing their workout equipment, trimming their workout budgets, and shifting their workout venues, according to a sporting goods industry survey.

“The fitness industry was not immune from the effects of a tough economy,” said Tom Cove, president of the Sporting Goods Manufacturers Association (SGMA), a global organization which conducted the poll.

SGMA represents over 1,000 sports manufacturers, retailers and marketers around the world. They have published their study, Tracking the Fitness Movement, for 10 years.

The 2009 edition puts U.S. wholesale sales of fitness gear and equipment sold for use in home, clubs and institutions, at $4.2 billion in 2008, down from $4.7 billion the year before.

So how do you manage to keep your workout going when your pockets are lighter? Very easily actually. Follow these simple tips and you’ll be burning the fat and saving money:

1. Join the YMCA – YMCA memberships are based on your income and are significantly lower than traditional gym memberships. Their facilities are right on par with for profit fitness clubs and the YMCA also has many free and low cost fitness/nutritional and sports activities. It’s also great if you have a family as there are many activities for kids and the whole family to enjoy.

2. Hit the Park – I live in the city with the largest park system in the country and I’ve been making full use of them. Walking, running, even strength training in local parks is a great way t get you workout on without spending any money. It’s also nice to be out in the elements enjoying the fresh hair. Fall is upon us so make sure you have the proper gear to keep warm as your’re exercising outside.

3. Invest in Dumbells, an Exercise Ball and Exercise Mat – If you have dumbells, an exercise ball and a workout mat you have all you need to get in a good workout for little money. Whatever weight machine you used in the gym, you can mimic with the aforementioned fitness equipment.

4. Break Out the Workout DVD’s – It’s time to dust off those old Jane Fonda or Donna Richardson workout dvd’s. It may seem a little corner to go bouncing around your living room with spnadexed, leg warmered, head band wearing fitness gurus of the 80’s and 90’s, but hey – burning calories is burning calories. If you currently don’t own any workout dvd’s you can get them for cheap on Amazon.

While the recession is has been difficult for many black women, we shouldn’t allow it to derail out fitness goals. If you’re serious about getting fit their is a way to make it happen without a fitness club membership, home fitness equipment or without breaking the bank in the general.

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Top 3 Reasons We Eat Too Much and How to Gain Control

Cnn.com had an excellent article discussing Why We Eat Too Much an How to Gain Control. The three reasons they gave are all reasons I cna relate too and are the main reasons why I’ve had such a hard time droping the weight this go around:

1. You’re not getting enough sleep

Missing out on your zzz’s not only puts you in a mental fog, it also triggers a constellation of actual metabolic changes that may lead to weight gain. A lack of shut-eye harms your waistline because it affects two important hormones that control appetite and satiety–leptin and ghrelin…According to a study published in the Annals of Internal Medicine, people who slept only four hours a night for two nights had an 18 percent decrease in leptin (a hormone that signals the brain that the body has had enough to eat) and a 28 percent increase in ghrelin (a hormone that triggers hunger), compared with those who got more res

How to get control:

When we’re exhausted, we hunger for just about everything in sight, especially if it’s sugary or high in carbs. That may be because these foods give us both an energy boost and comfort (since lack of sleep is a stressor), Knutson says. To quell the urge for fattening foods and still get the energy kick you need, reach for a combination of complex carbs and protein.

2. You’re sabotaged by stress

Constant stress causes your body to pump out high doses of hormones, like cortisol, that over time can boost your appetite and lead you to overeat. “Cortisol and insulin shift our preferences toward comfort foods–high-fat, high-sugar, or high-salt foods,” says Elissa Epel, Ph.D.

When we’re exhausted, we hunger for just about everything in sight, especially if it’s sugary or high in carbs. That may be because these foods give us both an energy boost and comfort (since lack of sleep is a stressor), Knutson says. To quell the urge for fattening foods and still get the energy kick you need, reach for a combination of complex carbs and protein.

3. You’ve got fatty foods (literally) on the brain

We’re hardwired to hunger for fatty, sugary, salty foods because, back when our ancestors were foraging for every meal, palatable eats meant extra energy and a leg-up on survival, says Dr. David A. Kessler, former commissioner of the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) and author of “The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite.”

How to get control:

Avoid eating your favorite treat if you’re in a particular mood, if it’s a certain time of day, or if you’re in a specific place; this will prevent you from creating a triggering link between those feelings or locations and that treat, Kessler says. And since the smell and sight of fatty, sugary foods is pure temptation, try to keep yourself from passing the bakery or ice cream shop you can’t resist.

Read the rest of the article. I can definitely relate to the first two reasons. The lack of sleep combined with high levels of stress had me craving every fatty, salty, sweet thing I could get my hand on. I learned that eating protein helped quell my hunger and drinking lots of water helped kill the cravings for salty/sweet things. It’s been helping, especially as I get my stress levels down an have ben geting more sleep.

Can you relate to this article?

What are your strategies for dealing with sleep and stressed induced hunger?

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5 Questions Women Should Ask Men When Dating

Dating Questions Women Should Ask Men

So Mr Serial Divorcee Relationship Expert Steve Harvey has five questions all women should ask men when they are dating. While I don’t agree with most of Stevy Harvey’s brand of relationship advice I do believe that his “5 questions,” are pretty on point. I’d expand the list a bit but these five definitely cover the basics:

1. What are your short-term goals?
Steve says this is a question you need to ask on the first date. “That’s important. You want to know what a guy’s working on,” he says. “You listen very intently. You use your investigative skills. You be smart.”
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2. What are your long-term goals?
Every man needs to have a plan, Steve says. “They have to be different from the short-term goals,” he says. “If they’re not different, you have a guy that’s not really planning.”
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Once you’re armed with this information, Steve says you can decide whether you want to attach yourself to his plan and take the relationship to the next level.
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3. What are your views on relationships?
Family, friends, God … find out if these bonds are strong. Steve says a man’s relationship with his mother is the most critical. “If it’s nonexistent, that’s a red flag. If that bond has been tainted or broken, please know he has no problem tainting or breaking yours,” he says. “If you can’t love your mother, please know he is incapable of loving you.”
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If you’re spiritual — and he’s not — Steve says you probably won’t be able to change him.
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4. What do you think about me?
Steve says women should listen carefully to how a man answers this question. It may reveal a lot about the impression you’re making.
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“He’ll gladly tell you this. ‘I think that you’re great. I think you would make a great mother. I think you would be a terrific homemaker. I think you’re very independent. I think you’re very worthy,'” Steve says. “He’s going to tell you all of this stuff.”
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5. What do you feel about me?
Once you have the answer to the fourth question, immediately ask the last one on Steve’s list. In most cases, how a man feels about you will be very different from what he thinks of you.

These are questions that are great to ask if you’re at the point where you need to decide whether the relationship is going somewhere or not. I think in most cases 4 and 5 answer themselves, but there are plenty occasions where the signs aren’t that clear and you need a direct answer.

I would add that whatever answer you get for 4 and 5 you need to believe it. Don’t go second guessing what was said or trying to fit it into whatever you want him to mean. Take the man at face value – good or bad. You’ll be much happier for it.

Thick Thighs = Healthy Heart

Turns out my thick 23.5in thighs are just perfect. According to a new study they are the perfect size to keep me heart healthy. And here I was thinking I needed to lose some inches:

The lure of “thinner thighs” has been used to market countless books, DVDs, and diets over the years. If new research published today is confirmed by other studies, though, perhaps there should be an addendum: ” . . . but not too thin.” Writing in the medical journal BMJ, Danish researchers who followed 2,800-plus people for longer than a decade reported that—believe it or not—a smaller thigh circumference is associated with a bigger risk of heart disease and premature death. This effect was independent of body fat percentage and BMI.

Oh and there’s more:

People with thighs measuring less than 60 centimeters (a little more than 23½ inches) around were at higher risk of heart problems
and early death than those with larger thighs, but no extra benefit accrued to either men or women whose thighs were more than 60 centimeters around.

23.5 inches?

That’s where I’m at right now.

WOOHOO!

I’m not quite the fat cow I think I am. lol.

Seriously though there have been other studies that show having wide hips and big butts are a sign of health. Others that show that a small waist is key to heart health. So from what I can gather if you’re an hourglass or spoon shaped woman you’re in good shape even if you’re not a size 6. That being a skinny *ahem* chick is just plain bad for your health.

Or am I just projecting?

LOL.

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Top 3 Tips for Using Weights to Get Fit

I have a serious pet peeve when I see black women in the gym using three pound weights to complete a weak workout. Many times I’ve seen trainers tell women they should use light weights and high reps to sculpt their bodies. This is a joke. Or women who forgo weights altogether for fear of looking like a man. Also a joke.

Weight training should be an intergal part of black women’s health and fitness regime. BUT proper weight training is key. Throw out the light weights and start lifting heavy. Here are a few tips on how to properly use weights to sculpt your body:

1. Perform dumbbell exercises that recruit as many big muscle groups as possible.

Dumbbell lifts like squats, deadlifts, rows, presses and cleans, snatches and jerks require a lot of big muscle groups to complete the movement. Plus, using big muscle groups allows you to use heavier weights. Using more muscle with heavier weights means more muscle!

2. Perform dumbbell exercises that require a great deal of energy.

Heavy grinding exercises, explosive exercises and combo matrixes require a lot of energy for completion. Expending more energy means less fat!

3. Perform dumbbell workouts in such a manner as to simultaneously build muscle, improve cardio-respiratory endurance and burn fat.

Doing workouts like super sets, timed circuits and peripheral heart action training, you can make your dumbbell workouts SUPER efficient. You’ll get the most out of your training time by attacking your body on many fronts!

Since black women gain muscle faster then other groups of women, with proper training and using these techniques, you can have the sexy physique you’ve been dreaming of in record time.

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12 Tips to Staying Motivated

Keeping up the day to day of working out can be tough. Motivation is key, but keeping up that motivation, particularly if you don’t like working out, can be just as difficult as saying no to that extra piece of cake. Well The Health and Fitness Guide offers 12 Keys to Staying Motivated:

# 1. Vary your routine every so often to prevent boredom and provide enhanced benefits by working different muscle fibers within the same broad muscle groups. Try different exercises; try doing more reps and lighter weights one day; more weight and less reps another day, etc.

#2. A little bit is much better than nothing and in fact goes a long way. While an hour or so 3 to 4 times a week is great, exercising for 15 to 20 minutes once or twice a week is much better than no exercise.

#3. Work with a trainer when bored or discouraged– even if it is just for a few sessions – to get you back on the right track, learn some new things and rejuvenate your workout.

#4. View work-out time as “your time” to escape from the demands placed on you from others and take care of yourself. Get in a “zone” by focusing on the music you’re listening to, the results you will achieve or how good you will feel after your workout.

#5. Write down your goals – You are more likely to remain committed to them. Also, keep a diary of your workouts and your progress – what gets recorded and measured gets improved.

#6. Workout with a friend – you will push each other and time will go by faster.
Keep reading for the other six.

What do you think?

Do any of these tips resonate with you?

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Real Talk on Interracial Dating From Someone Who Doesn’t Hate Black Men

Interracial Dating Tips & Advice

There’s a lot of hate in the blogsphere directed toward black men and a lot of bullshit, uninformed dialogue when it comes to interracial dating, often coming from the same sources. Too many of the IR dating sites hold white men up as the example of all that’s right with men and black men of all that’s wrong with them.

In convincing black women about their options, it becomes a non-stop dialogue on how black men are the scourge of the earth and how they don’t care about black women, etc. I don’t like it when black men justify their dating white (or other women) by disparaging black women and I can’t stand it when black women do the same to black men. So here’s my take on interracial relationships without all of the hate black men talk:

1. I’ve talked about interracial dating several times on this blog.

The one point I’ve made before and will continue to make is dating is a numbers game. You increase your chances of finding “the one” by dating as many people as you can. If you’re a black woman living and working in a predominantly white environment you’re a damn fool not to be dating white men. I’ve read stories where black women admit to only meeting 2 or 3 eligible black men a year yet they keep saying, “only a black man for me.” I say okay, but don’t be surprised if you end up alone and lonely.

2. Familial and Societal pressure are big issues on both sides of the coin.

In my own experience with interracial dating family was an issue. Not mine. His. When I was a teenager the (absolutely gorgeous) white boy I was dating sent him to his youth pastor to explain to him that dating “other” women were Solomon’s downfall. No lie. I couldn’t make this ish up. In my more adult years I’d find out months, years later that said white guy was interested in me but didn’t really know what to do about that. For many white men (and black women) dating is one thing, marriage is another.

Also, From a friend family perspective, the pressure can be unbearable. No, I’m not saying it’s a white thing…black parents/friends can be the same way. But if we were to be honest about this topic then we’d acknowledge that women of ALL races are pressured to marry the men from their group. That’s not black women being “indoctrinated” it’s the patriarchy doing what the patriarchy does best: regulating the sexual behavior of its women. And

And upper-class white men have pressures related to their social standing and possible inheritance that come into play when it comes to marrying black women. There are several high profile WM/BW marriages where the men admit that their families were solidly against the union and the threats of being disowned were seriously bantered about. Similar pressure can be found in the middle classes as well, on both sides. There’s no since in discounting the pervasiveness of this issue.

3. This is very much a class issue.

Like most discussions surrounding social issues in the black community, interracial dating is a class issue. There are women of a certain class who are in a better position to meet and marry white men than others. Most black women live in and socialize in all black or majority black environments. The men they meet are primarily going to be from the same class and social background they are from. There’s just not a lot of interaction going on between black women and white men on a daily basis for many of the lower and middle classes. You can’t date someone you don’t meet.

4. This is very much a cultural issue.

No black people don’t have the same culture. Nor do white people. But there are some dating norms that tend to be common among groups based on class, culture and social standing. For example black men (in general) tend to be much more aggressive than their white counterparts. From my experience if a black man wants to talk to you, you will know. He will ask for your name and number anytime, anyplace under any circumstances, even if it means he has to park his car and attempt to catch up with you on the sidewalk.

My experience with white men has been completely different. I’ve learned that if a white guy is chatting me up, there’s a good chance I’m being hit on. Usually, it starts with a “hello,” that leads into a conversation, then after ten to fifteen minutes (assuming I’ve shown interest) he will say, “Would you like to get a drink some time,” or will hand me his business card and tell me to call him or both.

However, if you give the guy attitude because he said hello or you weren’t open or particularly friendly to his attempts to strike up a conversation, there’s a good chance he will assume you’re not interested in him. And rightfully so. With (many) black men you can throw a little attitude their way and they’ll take it as a challenge. “Why are you being so mean?” is something I’ve heard on more than one occasion with a guy who saw my standoffishness as an obstacle to overcome and not as a sign that I’m not interested.

5. Attractiveness is a real issue.

Yes, there are plenty of white men who find black women attractive and vice versa. But due to beauty standards perpetuated by each group, there are plenty who don’t find the other attractive. I for one don’t really find white men attractive. There are exceptions to this rule, but for the most part, I just don’t regularly see white men and think, “Hey I want to talk to him.” The white men or white skinned men I find attractive tend to be dark (Italians, Greeks, Jews, Persians) and not of the Anglican variety. There

There are a host of other issues that affect attractiveness such as the negative value placed on African features here in the states; the hyper-masculine African-American culture that can perceive less aggressive men as being effete; the very different standards of beauty for black and white women. I’m making generalizations here, but you get the point. To believe the issues surrounding the lack of WM/BW couples are so well…black and white…is absurd at least and completely ignorant at best.

In the end, the focus needs to be on dating QUALITY men. The race/ethnicity of the man is irrelevant. That’s a personal choice and best left to the individual. And for the record BW/WM interracial relationships are nothing new. There are plenty of high-profile examples of such unions and their offspring. So if you’re dating white men ’cause you think black men ain’t shit and are, “damaged beyond repair,” then perhaps you need to fix whatever unresolved man issues you have before you date any man black, white or otherwise.

Bad Habits That Pile On the Fat

Business Day has a good article about all of the bad habits people have that are keeping them fat:

The experts have identified seven common diet mistakes most people make and how to fix them.

1. Underestimating how much you’ve eaten

Studies show overweight people tend to underestimate significantly how much they eat, and the bigger their portions, the more their calorie calculations go off track. One recent investigation by Dr Brian Wansink, author of Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think (Bantam Dell), found that people who supersize fast-food meals actually underestimate the calorie content of their burger and fries by as much as half.

2. Discounting the effects of peer pressure

Findings from the Framingham Heart Study reveal that when one person in a family or network of friends gains weight, others tend to gain weight too, perhaps because it becomes more socially acceptable to be chubby.

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3. Distracting yourself from eating

Wansink’s studies show that environmental distractions, such as watching television, talking on the phone, reading while eating and eating with others, can be a big disconnect. In one study, he learned that even stale popcorn can lead people to overeat at the movies, not because they’re hungry, but simply because the bucket is there. This occurs as much due to the fact that you’re not paying attention to what you eat, as to a habit you’ve developed of multitasking while munching, he says.

4. Eating too many different foods

The more choices, the more you tend to eat — just think of all the temptations at a food buffet and the overwhelming desire you have to sample it all.

5. Not weighing yourself enough

“We have exhaustive evidence that people who weigh themselves daily lose more weight than those who don’t,” says Dr George Blackburn, associate professor of surgery and nutrition at Harvard Medical School in Boston, Massachusetts, and author of Break Through Your Set Point: How to Finally Lose the Weight You Want and Keep It Off (Collins). People who watch their weight are more likely to closely monitor their eating and exercise behaviours and regain control of their diets quickly if they gain weight.

Keep readng the rest of the article. There’s some great information and tips there.

Weighting yourself daily is something I do and something I’ve recommended before on this blog as a way to maintain your weight. People have a tendency to ignore the tightness of their jeans, but if you see the weight go up on the scale a couple of pounds you’re more likely to adjust your diet or workout to lose the weight as opposed to waking up 20 pounds heavier trying to figure out how you got there and how you’re going to drop the pounds…again.

Now I know I’ve been guilty of all of the above habits. However, as far as peer pressure I am usually the biggest in my group of friends, so you’d think that being around the skinny crew would make me slimmer – yeah not so much – lol. Although I will say that I’m from a big city (by big I mean the average person is chunky) and that makes me the “skinny” girl here, so it’s easier to be heavier and not stress about it as much.

So, which of these bad habits is keeping you fat?

How do you work your way around them?

If these aren’t your bad habits what are the habits you have that’s preventing you from losing wight?

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