Should Women Expect Men to Cheat?

Are Men Hardwired to Cheat

So last week Tyrese was on the Wendy Williams Show and the topic relationships, men, and cheating came up. And Tyrese had plenty to say on the subject. According to him “It’s expected of men to cheat:”

“I don’t have all the answers, but I can say that most mothers raised their daughters to believe that if you cook, clean, thoroughly take care of your man and go all out for your man, that should keep him home. Unfortunately that’s not the truth, but I will say to my daughter when she gets old and starts dating is, if you end up being cheated on, don’t own the cheat. Don’t make the cheat yours. It’s something in that skirt and those legs and whatever the case may be, and [he] decided to dip off. Does he see the value in his woman at home? Yes, but if he ends up dipping off, that spaghetti couldn’t keep him at home.”

However Tyrese wasn’t so understanding when Wendy asked him if he’d be so forgiving if his woman cheated on him:

“No way. See, it’s expected of men to cheat, even though all men don’t cheat. I can’t just generalize and say all men cheat, but it’s expected because it’s a part of our upbringing[…]no listen if your in high school or in college, if one dude has sex with ten different women he is a hero, he’s the champion of the campus. If one woman has sex with ten different guys, they’re all kind of things in the book right?[…]Its just a part of what instilled in us growing up.”

Right.

Now I could go into a long diatribe about the age old double standard that black men in particular like to hold on to. The adherence to patriarchy in a community that can ill afford to hold on to such antiquated notions and the high rate of out of wedlock births, low rate of marriage and high rate of sexually transmitted diseases that this sort of attitude fosters. But I won’t.

Instead, I will point out that as women it’s high time we stop worrying about what men are “expected” to do and concern ourselves with what we want and need out of our relationships. The main problem for black women isn’t that there is sub-culture within our community that encourages this behavior, it’s that we somehow believe we have to accept it.

Newsflash: if you don’t want to deal with a cheating man you don’t have to. The adage that “all men cheat” is bullshit and a cop out that lets men off the hook for their bad behavior and makes women perpetual victims. Believe it or not, there are women who draw the line in the sand at cheating and don’t allow for any discussion of “see what happened was…” once the cheating has occurred. Just ask Lisa Bonet who let Lenny Kravitz go when she found out he was screwing around on tour. There was no amount of begging, pleading, cajoling, and song writing that would bring her back. And they were married. And he’s Lenny Kravitz. I mean…Lenny Kravitz

Yet so many sistas running around here keeping men who are screwing anything that moves, they’re not even official girlfriends let alone wives and these dudes are definitely NOT Lenny Kravitz. These relationships are temporary at best and women are trying to figure out whether they should keep Tyrone after they’ve found out he’s slept with Tisha, Cindy and Mai Ling. Enough is enough already.

It’s high time women stop crying, whining and complaining about the trifling ass men in their lives and simply cut them loose. Why all this drama over men who will be in your life for a few months to two years, max. Brothers don’t’ do that. Like Tyrese said, a woman caught cheating is reason enough for immediate dismissal. It’s time black women take a page out of black men’s playbook.

So no, the question isn’t should women expect men to cheat, it’s should we put up with cheating once it happens. And the answer is simply: HELL NO! On to the next. All men don’t cheat, so stop spending your time with the ones who do.

When Does Infidelity Stop Being a Forgivable Indiscretion?

Is Infidelity Ever Truly Forgivable?

Now I know for some of you this question seems silly. For you, all Infidelity is never a “forgivable indiscretion.” It is always a time for handing out walking papers.

However, for many couples, cheating isn’t the end all be all of their relationship. Many people try to stay and work it out. For many people the nature and duration of the infidelity factor into whether they will stay or leave as does the nature and duration of one’s relationship. Mortgages, kids, family, and finances also all play a role in whether many people will stay or go.

In the case of Tiger and Elin Woods, it seems she may have been willing to stay when it was 2 or three mistresses (home in Sweden notwithstanding), but when the number reached 10 (now 13 and counting) whatever counseling sessions they were having seemed moot at that point. Who wants to forgive a man who was having multiple overlapping affairs without condoms, in church parking lots and while you were pregnant?

Hell, when the mistress count was 2 or 3 I was all on the “Get the money, girl” train. It made perfect sense for Elin to renegotiate her prenup and take that 5 million dollar lump sum. Why leave all of that money on the table when your husband embarrassed you in such a public way and betrayed your marriage with so many women. It made sense to stay and hit him where it hurts.

But when the count begin to increase and all the other tidbits came out regarding Tiger’s sexual proclivities, add in the porn stars and there was no amount money that could buy back the level of embarrassment, health risks, and sheer disrespect Tiger heaped on his wife and family. We obviously don’t know what she’s going to do, but I have definitely retired my “Get that money girl,” stance. My attitude now is that she should get out and get out fast.

At some point, your self-respect is worth more than any dollars that may fall your way and if Elin stayed now she’d look like a complete an utter fool. Three means get revenge, then bounce. Ten means leave as soon and as quickly as possible. But most of us aren’t married to multi-millionaires where we stand to make out quite nicely in the even to of a divorce.

So the question is: When is enough enough?

When does cheating go from forgivable indiscretion to hit the road jack?

What is your breaking point?

Side Effects of Adultery: Slashed Tires, Hot Grits and Death

Adultery Has Consequences

*Announcers Voice*

Feeling lonely in your marriage?

Have things just become boring an predictable?

Is your spouse just not giving it to you the way they used to?

Well talk to your doctor about Adultery.

Adultery has been proven to alleviate many of the pains associated with a boring and predictable marriage. You will be able to find that spark for life again and experience the fun, newness, and excitement you had in your relationships before you were married.

You should only take Adultery a few times a year.

You should consult your doctor before you take Adultery to ensure you are healthy enough to begin the medication.

Tell your doctor right away If you experience any itching, burning or unexplained breakouts while taking Adultery.

Side effects may include: destroying your family, hurting your kids, jail time, loss of career, STD’s, hot grits, slashed tires, keyed cars, bleached wardrobes, burnt homes, potash, bodily harm and death

Adultery may be the answer you are looking for all of your marital woes.

Ask your doctor about Adultery.

*End announcers voice*

Funny huh?

In the aftermath of the tragedy that was Steve McNair it seems many men folk have forgotten how serious adultery/cheating/playing with folks emotions really is. Men, more so then the ladies, put all the blame for what happened on Kazemi – the delusional chick who offed herself and McNair. They seem to believe that the tragedy lies solely on her shoulders.

I’m sorry to disappoint the fellas (and some of the ladies) put Kazemi isn’t even the main person to blame for this horror.

This tragedy comes in two parts and had McNair remembered that one of the consequences to adultery is death, maybe he’d still be alive today.

We seem to forget that this type of crime happens so often it’s given a name – a crime of passion.

Not only is it given a name, but a look at pop culture can easily reveal how common retribution by a spurned lover is. From Fatal Attraction to Jazmine Sullivan, our various forms of entertainment are chalk full of examples of the high price people pay for playing around on their significant others.

To those who don’t get it, and seem to think Steve McNair couldn’t have seem this coming, I will make it as clear for you as I can: Remember Al Green and those hot grits?

Nuff said.

And while Rev. Green may not have died, I’m pretty sure most people who read this blog don’t have to delve too far in their lives or their friends and families lives to find tales of a jilted lover/spouse that exacted their revenge with a bullet, knife or some deadly fisticuffs.

Does it happen in all cases of adultery? No.

Does it happen in the majority of cases of adultery? No.

Does it happen often enough that it is a foreseeable consequence of adultery? Yes.

Just like all drug users don’t die, all adulterers won’t die, but it doesn’t mean that death isn’t a real consequence of drug use and adultery.

Folk need to think about those consequences long and hard before dipping their pens in someone else’s inkwell (or opening their inkwells to other folk’s pens).

Maybe if they did we wouldn’t have to hear about these type of tragedies that impact not just the adulterer and the murderer, but also the families they leave behind.

Can You Make Someone Cheat? Yes, You Can

Can You Make Someone Cheat?

This is going to piss a lot of people off but, contrary to popular belief, you can make someone cheat.

Yes. You read that right.

From a woman’s perspective there are three things that I think women do that can lead their man to stray:

1. The Bait and Switch
2. Punishing/Witholding Sex
3. Gaining ( a significant amount of) weight

1. The Bait and Switch

There is a rule that newlywed couples should live by – don’t do anything in the first six months that you don’t plan on doing for the rest of the marriage. This is true not only for newly married couples but for dating couples as well. We want so hard to impress our men and be the perfect girlfriend or wife that we can outright lie about who we are and what role we’re willing to play in a relationship.

These lies can take place in many forms. If you’re not super chef in the kitchen, don’t front like you are, pulling the old Fake and Bake, making a man believe you’re B. Smith when you know can’t boil water. If you were super fly chick when you met, don’t expect that it’s all of a sudden okay to turn into “sweats and t-shirts,” chic, if he likes high maintenance women, he will find him one when your true colors start to show.

And if you were a super freak in the bedroom don’t think now that you have him…it’s okay to turn into a nun or to dial down the freakiness. All of these things (as well as a host of others) equate to a breach of contract. You’re not the person you sold yourself to be and the new person may not be what your significant other wants. This scenario could clearly lead to someone looking for what they want elsewhere…even if at this point they are very much in love with you.

2. Punishing With/Withholding Sex

Bargaining with sex is ALWAYS a bad idea. Sorry. There is NEVER a good reason to use sex for any more than what it is meant for: a physical expression of the love/feelings you have for the person you’re with. I don’t know what you think you’re accomplishing by not sleeping with him. I can tell you what you are accomplishing however — sending him into the arms of someone else.

I don’t know about anyone else, but my attitude is — if he’s not sleeping with me then he’s sleeping with someone else, so that’s not a game I play and not one I want to be played on me. Regularly sexing your man is no guarantee that your man won’t dip out, but not giving him any is a pretty good way to send him looking for some elsewhere. And let’s be clear whether or not he loves you will have little do with whether he dips out or not if he’s being deprived at home.

3. Gaining (a significant amount of) Weight

Okay, if I haven’t pissed you off by now, I definitely will with this one. If you married your husband and you were 135 pounds, putting on 80 pounds (barring a medical condition) is a surefire ware to send your man out the door seeking sexual satisfaction somewhere else.

So often I’ve heard people say, “But I’m the same person,” when it comes to their weight gain and their inability to understand why their SO/husband may no longer be attracted to them. I”m sorry but that doesn’t fly with me. You ARE NOT the same person. The person he wed was fit and healthy and active and could probably do things with her legs that would make a pretzel jealous. The person you are with the extra weight is probably none of those things and that canput a heavy strain on the marriage/relationship.

Gaining a significant amount of weight can be a deal breaker. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you anymore (but it might), it does mean however he may not find you sexually attractive anymore. And no, love and sex are not synonymous. By not taking care of yourself, you are putting your relationship or marriage in jeopardy. We like to pretend like sex isn’t a big part of a relationship but the 1 and 2 reasons for divorce are money and sex. So chew on that as you munch on the butter pecan ice cream.

But the weight gain isn’t just about the sex. It’s about a lifestyle you may have had with your boyfriend or about a set of beliefs you all held on life and health or simply it could be just about being physically attracted to the person you’re with. We need to stop pretending like these things don’t matter. They do. Love does not conquer all. And just because someone is committed to you, doesn’t mean they won’t find what they are lacking at home in another’s arms.

When there are major (and preventable) changes in a person’s relationship, the doors to infidelity are opened and it is oh so easy to walk through.

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Why the Other Woman Isn’t the Problem

The Other Woman Isn’t The Problem

I know this is hard for many women to believe, but it’s true. Too often I’ve seen women go after the Other Woman while never, ever going after their men. Or, if they go after their man, it’s never quite with the same ferocity as they do the Other Woman. Or better yet, they manage to forgive the man, but not the person the man was cheating with.

I also love how, on many sites that deal with infidelity issues, there are often posts that discuss how we (the community) have to start holding women who “prey” on married men accountable. Right. But how about the men who prey on married women…or the married men who prey on single women…we don’t need to hold them accountable?

But I digress.

Back to the Other Woman.

The reason why the Other Woman is not a problem is because she had no loyalty to you. She didn’t swear in front of God and country to love, honor and cherish you, she didn’t ask you to marry her, she didn’t request that you be her lady. Nothing. She has no responsibility to you what-so-ever. And that’s what women who are ready to “cut a bitch,” seem to forget.

There’s a blog over on A Belle in Brooklyn where a woman stayed married to man for 32 years even though he had been cheating on her from day 1. He cheated so much it became defacto normal. So much so, she used to press his clothes so he could go to the club. While that didn’t make her leave, when she found out their home was in foreclosure because he’d been paying the mortgage on his current mistresses condo and not on their family home — did…but like I said, this was 32 years in to the debacle that was their marriage.

So, In this post she expresses that she’s forgiven her ex-husband, but clearly still had a lot of animosity toward the women who were cheating with her man. To that, all I could say was…huh?

Unless a woman is a close relative or friend there is little reason for your anger to be directed at her. I can understand being upset, but I’ve never been truly mad at a woman who was messing with my man if she didn’t know me from Eve…even if she knew he was taken when she got involved. In the one instance where my friend ended up with my boyfriend, I had little to say to her until she tried to talk to me sideways. The only person who receives the brunt of my anger is the man I am involved with and that’s as it should be. He’s the one I gave my time, body and love too. He’s the one who’s supposed to be faithful to me. He’s the one who needs to be “cut.” No one else.

So ladies, save your anger for the person who is responsible for your pain…your cheating man. Please, no stalking of said chick, no catfights, no keying of any cars (well maybe his ), just remember she isn’t your problem…he is.

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4 Ways the Jumpoff Has It Better Than Wifey

Better The Jumpoff Than The Wife

In the infamous Myspace Battle between Tiny and some random chick Tiny (allegedly) said the following:

“The only thing you can do is s*ck his d*ck no matter what I HAVE HIS HEART!!”

I have his heart?

What does that mean exactly?

And let’s be real, Tiny isn’t the only woman who subscribes to this train of thought.

It seems like when it comes to famous men, their ladies and their jumpoffs, everyone acts like the jumpoffs are the problem, that somehow if he is your man then you’re the winner in the, I Got Me a Baller Sweepstakes. The reality however, is quite different. In my opinion the jumpoff is the winner, and here’s why:

1. I Have His Heart

Really? So what does having his heart mean exactly? He likes you a lot? He loves you? We know it doesn’t mean sexual fidelity. Does it mean he’ll be there for wifey if she’s sick? She’ll be there for him if he’s sick? What? Does it mean that it’s special when wifey sucks his dick, ’cause let’s be real…she’s sucking his dick too. And here’s the thing…what makes wifey think he doesn’t like/love the jumpoff?

2. He Takes Care of Me

Okay…but to quote T.I.’s latest joint – It ain’t tricking if you got it. And anyone whose read any of Karrine’s books knows that ballers don’t mind dropping major cash on The Other Woman. So it doesn’t seem like wifey is getting a leg up on the jumpoff in this category either. Yes, if you’re married there are legal protections there…but it doesn’t stop the jumpoff from getting broke off…and if she’s smart, any big ticket item she gets will be in her name, so legally the wife wouldn’t be able to touch them if they ended up in divorce or upon his death. So you got Louis and she’s got Louis…seems like a draw to me. And if you’re just the girlfriend and not the wife…well…

3. I”m the Mother of His Children

Ask Kim, Diddy’s ex how well that’s worked out for her. Diddy’s jumpoff in Atlanta got his baby too and will be getting fat checks as well. Nuff said.

4. Quality Time

So the wifey gets quality time? She goes on vacations and other expensive trips. Sure, but so does the jumpoff. Going back to the Jumpoff Bible…Steffans went on many a expensive trip and stayed in many an expensive hotel on somebody else’s man’s dime. My homeboy used to do marketing and PR for some of Miami’s top clubs and when D. Wade and Hoopz were dating he used to see them out and abou….his wife was at home…pregnant…with his other son.

So I ask again: How is wifey the winner in all of this? The Other Woman is doing quite nicely. She’s getting money that could be spent on wifey and her kids. She’s getting time that could be spent with wifey and her kids.

Presumably, the jumpoff doesn’t have to deal with him when he’s tired, sick, injured or what not. She gets all the good times while wifey gets everything else. Wifey’s home with the kids, while her man is out and about with The Other Woman.

So really, what does wifey have that the jumpoff doesn’t have?

His Heart?

Yeah.

Okay.

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3 Signs Your Man is Cheating

Top Signs Man Is Cheating

So in Top 5 Signs You are Not His (Only)

Woman seems like those who commented on the post wanted to know how to tell if your man was cheating:

I dig what you’re saying but what about the supposed wifey/main chick who hears from him at regular hours, has met his friends and family, gets taken out, etc. yet is still being cheated on? How’s she supposed to know? That’s a list I’d like to read = )
– Jennifer

However, what about the guy who is doing everything right, calling during the day, you have met his friends, you are super close, didn’t give up the panties until months in…..but you find out he is cheating and wonder how did he pull it off?? Ain’t that many hours in the day….lol
– Posh

yeah im with jennifer these are obvious signs that he isnt your but like she siad what about if none of these signs describe him and you still think he is with someone else
– Cherish

Well, you know, I don’t believe that there is a woman alive who doesn’t know her man is cheating. I believe signs are everywhere and that women choose to ignore the obvious. You know your man and you know when something isn’t right.

For example: With one of my exes who I was off and on with for a year or so, I always knew when he was about to bounce. He was the type who would always call when he said he would. ALWAYS. So when he’s start not calling me back after saying he would call, I knew he was about to pull one of his disappearing acts. It never failed. It was always the same.

Another ex, would pick random fights with me for no reason when he was about to break up with me. Always. I knew it was coming because we would be fine and then for no reason he would cop a huge attitude, pick a fight and then bounce. My clue there was another woman.

So my point is, there are always signs. You’re just (willfully) ignoring them. We all perform a certain level of cognitive dissonance in out lives and I don’t know anyone who is more willingly delusional than a woman who doesn’t want to believe her man is cheating.

Here are a few red flags that he may be tipping out:

1. Sudden Changes in Schedule/Routine

Did he used to go to the gym in the mornings and now he goes in the evening? Is there no real explanation for the change. Has he stopped doing something, or stated doing something that he wasn’t doing before? Was there no warning and when you ask you get vague answers?

2. More Time at Work

Is he all of a sudden spending more time at work, but like the changes in schedule, it’s abrupt with no warning. As far as you know there isn’t any new project or responsibilities that he as at his job, but all of a sudden he seems to spend more and more time there. When you ask about all the new hours, he doesn’t give you an answer that’s worth the time he took to say it.

3. The Sex/Grooming/Weight Changes

This is actually the easiest way to tell if a woman is cheating but works for a man as well. Is the sex drastically different? More frequent? Less frequent? Is he doing different stuff? Is he spending more time on his looks then he was before? Has he started losing weight? Wearing cologne? Keeping a fresh cut? Dapper down?

Yeah, you might want to chalk the new found sexiness up to a new woman.

But you know this. Like I said, women know when their men are tipping out. By the time you satrt asking the question, “Is he cheating,” you already know the answer. You know your man better than I do. And if you’re honest with yourself, the question isn’t, “Is he cheating,” the real question is, “What are you going to do about it?.”

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Top 5 Signs You’re Not His (Only) Woman

Five Signs He’s Cheating On You

Many women I know or have known claim they have a man or that someone they’re seeing really cares about them , but when you hear the details of their “relationship” you realize that it’s no relationship at all but an extended booty call. She’s making time with a guy when she is definitely NOT the only chick and more than like not even the main chick.

1. He only calls you after 11pm

Let’s face it, if he can’t call you doing normal business hours, you are not his woman. If the only time he can pick up the phone (or text) you is doing standard booty call hours you have to ask yourself who he’s calling when he’s not calling you.

2. The only time he calls is when he wants sex

Regardless of the hour of day he’s calling, if the only time he calls is when he’s looking for a little bedroom action, well he may like your lady parts but he definitely doesn’t like you.

3. You haven’t met any of his friends and family

If a guy is really into a chick he’s going to (eventually) introduce her to friends and family. At the very least his friends and family will be aware that you exist. If you’ve never met anyone who is close to him, there is a good reason why and it’s not one that’s good for you.

4. He never takes you out

If the only thing he wants to do is hang out at the house and he never takes you out or attempts to take you out, there’s a reason for that. Believe me if he’s not taking you out, there’s a good chance that he ‘s out with someone else. And even if he’s not dating someone else, his unwillingness to take you out is a good sign that he hasn’t any real interest in you. You are definitely not his woman.

5. You don’t know how he spends his time when he’s not with you

If you’re clueless about how he spends his time when he’s not with you, then you don’t know him and if you don’t know him, you’re not his woman. If you ask him, “what did you do today,” and his answers are always vague, well just assume he was doing things (or spending time with someone) he doesn’t want you to know about. And if that is the case…well…you’re better off finding another man ’cause the one you have isn’t yours

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