Looking for Love? Let love Find You!

Stop Looking for Love

So often we have in our head the type of man we want. By the time we’ve graduated form college and head into the real world we’ve perfected our list of must-haves: tall, dark handsome, educated, ambitious, successful or headed in that direction….etc. But what happens when the love we were looking for turns out to look quite differently then the love that finds us?

Currently I find myself in an (almost) relationship with someone who is (almost) nothing like the man I see myself with. He’s not my physical ideal. He’s way to young and his choice of profession leaves a lot to be desired. But he’s sweet, funny and is more emotionally mature then men I’ve dated that were ten years his senior.

Even with all of his good qualities I still have a hard time admitting to myself that I like him. I don’t believe that all relationships have to end in marriage or that just because you like (love) someone means that is the person you should be with. Love is but one of many factors that have to be considered but he’s just so different from what I would choose for myself.

It was all an accident how we ended up (sorta) together to begin with but what was supposed to be causal turned into a lot more and I’m still wringing my hands about it. Arguably this is the most relaxed I’ve been with anyone in a long time. Minus a few initial bumps the relationship is drama free. He makes me laugh, I enjoy his company and the sex is good…yet I keep asking myself, “What are you doing with him?” I’m sure I’m not the only one who has found herself in this situation.

I think as women, we sometimes get so wrapped up in what our idea of Mr. Right is that we miss out on an actual Mr. Right that may waltz into out lives. I know I find myself in strange territory. I haven’t been seriously involved with someone in a few years at the earliest and that lasted a few months. And yet here I am, tiptoeing my way into a relationship with caution and my eyes wide open with a man I had determined wasn’t “getting any” and, once we crossed that barrier, was just going to be a “causal relationship, ” all at a time in my life when I definitely wasn’t looking for love.

Maybe that’s the problem. Sometimes we’re just looking to hard. Sometimes, just maybe, we should stop looking for love and let love find us.

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Can You Make Someone Cheat? Yes, You Can

Can You Make Someone Cheat?

This is going to piss a lot of people off but, contrary to popular belief, you can make someone cheat.

Yes. You read that right.

From a woman’s perspective there are three things that I think women do that can lead their man to stray:

1. The Bait and Switch
2. Punishing/Witholding Sex
3. Gaining ( a significant amount of) weight

1. The Bait and Switch

There is a rule that newlywed couples should live by – don’t do anything in the first six months that you don’t plan on doing for the rest of the marriage. This is true not only for newly married couples but for dating couples as well. We want so hard to impress our men and be the perfect girlfriend or wife that we can outright lie about who we are and what role we’re willing to play in a relationship.

These lies can take place in many forms. If you’re not super chef in the kitchen, don’t front like you are, pulling the old Fake and Bake, making a man believe you’re B. Smith when you know can’t boil water. If you were super fly chick when you met, don’t expect that it’s all of a sudden okay to turn into “sweats and t-shirts,” chic, if he likes high maintenance women, he will find him one when your true colors start to show.

And if you were a super freak in the bedroom don’t think now that you have him…it’s okay to turn into a nun or to dial down the freakiness. All of these things (as well as a host of others) equate to a breach of contract. You’re not the person you sold yourself to be and the new person may not be what your significant other wants. This scenario could clearly lead to someone looking for what they want elsewhere…even if at this point they are very much in love with you.

2. Punishing With/Withholding Sex

Bargaining with sex is ALWAYS a bad idea. Sorry. There is NEVER a good reason to use sex for any more than what it is meant for: a physical expression of the love/feelings you have for the person you’re with. I don’t know what you think you’re accomplishing by not sleeping with him. I can tell you what you are accomplishing however — sending him into the arms of someone else.

I don’t know about anyone else, but my attitude is — if he’s not sleeping with me then he’s sleeping with someone else, so that’s not a game I play and not one I want to be played on me. Regularly sexing your man is no guarantee that your man won’t dip out, but not giving him any is a pretty good way to send him looking for some elsewhere. And let’s be clear whether or not he loves you will have little do with whether he dips out or not if he’s being deprived at home.

3. Gaining (a significant amount of) Weight

Okay, if I haven’t pissed you off by now, I definitely will with this one. If you married your husband and you were 135 pounds, putting on 80 pounds (barring a medical condition) is a surefire ware to send your man out the door seeking sexual satisfaction somewhere else.

So often I’ve heard people say, “But I’m the same person,” when it comes to their weight gain and their inability to understand why their SO/husband may no longer be attracted to them. I”m sorry but that doesn’t fly with me. You ARE NOT the same person. The person he wed was fit and healthy and active and could probably do things with her legs that would make a pretzel jealous. The person you are with the extra weight is probably none of those things and that canput a heavy strain on the marriage/relationship.

Gaining a significant amount of weight can be a deal breaker. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you anymore (but it might), it does mean however he may not find you sexually attractive anymore. And no, love and sex are not synonymous. By not taking care of yourself, you are putting your relationship or marriage in jeopardy. We like to pretend like sex isn’t a big part of a relationship but the 1 and 2 reasons for divorce are money and sex. So chew on that as you munch on the butter pecan ice cream.

But the weight gain isn’t just about the sex. It’s about a lifestyle you may have had with your boyfriend or about a set of beliefs you all held on life and health or simply it could be just about being physically attracted to the person you’re with. We need to stop pretending like these things don’t matter. They do. Love does not conquer all. And just because someone is committed to you, doesn’t mean they won’t find what they are lacking at home in another’s arms.

When there are major (and preventable) changes in a person’s relationship, the doors to infidelity are opened and it is oh so easy to walk through.

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Why the Other Woman Isn’t the Problem

The Other Woman Isn’t The Problem

I know this is hard for many women to believe, but it’s true. Too often I’ve seen women go after the Other Woman while never, ever going after their men. Or, if they go after their man, it’s never quite with the same ferocity as they do the Other Woman. Or better yet, they manage to forgive the man, but not the person the man was cheating with.

I also love how, on many sites that deal with infidelity issues, there are often posts that discuss how we (the community) have to start holding women who “prey” on married men accountable. Right. But how about the men who prey on married women…or the married men who prey on single women…we don’t need to hold them accountable?

But I digress.

Back to the Other Woman.

The reason why the Other Woman is not a problem is because she had no loyalty to you. She didn’t swear in front of God and country to love, honor and cherish you, she didn’t ask you to marry her, she didn’t request that you be her lady. Nothing. She has no responsibility to you what-so-ever. And that’s what women who are ready to “cut a bitch,” seem to forget.

There’s a blog over on A Belle in Brooklyn where a woman stayed married to man for 32 years even though he had been cheating on her from day 1. He cheated so much it became defacto normal. So much so, she used to press his clothes so he could go to the club. While that didn’t make her leave, when she found out their home was in foreclosure because he’d been paying the mortgage on his current mistresses condo and not on their family home — did…but like I said, this was 32 years in to the debacle that was their marriage.

So, In this post she expresses that she’s forgiven her ex-husband, but clearly still had a lot of animosity toward the women who were cheating with her man. To that, all I could say was…huh?

Unless a woman is a close relative or friend there is little reason for your anger to be directed at her. I can understand being upset, but I’ve never been truly mad at a woman who was messing with my man if she didn’t know me from Eve…even if she knew he was taken when she got involved. In the one instance where my friend ended up with my boyfriend, I had little to say to her until she tried to talk to me sideways. The only person who receives the brunt of my anger is the man I am involved with and that’s as it should be. He’s the one I gave my time, body and love too. He’s the one who’s supposed to be faithful to me. He’s the one who needs to be “cut.” No one else.

So ladies, save your anger for the person who is responsible for your pain…your cheating man. Please, no stalking of said chick, no catfights, no keying of any cars (well maybe his ), just remember she isn’t your problem…he is.

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A Ring? Try Put a Title On It

Stop With The Pseudo Relationshp

So I wrote Tell him to “Put a Ring On It,” and some of the comments I received from men were beyond mind-blowing. Some of my favorites:

Thats’s bad advice. Never put the pressure on a man early in the relationship by bringing up marriage or titles. When he’s ready you both will know. Come on ladies don’t be fast and find yourself by yourself.

and

Why can’t women just be cool with the situation at hand?? If he isn’t going anywhere, and he makes you happy, why do you need a title?? Once you get past the whole dating thing and you know that you are together, the just have fun with the situation for what it is. IF he wants to pop the question then it should be nothing to say yes, because you are enjoying your time with him!!

Couple this with Belle, over at A Belle in Brooklyn (an absolutely fabulous blog that I think EVERYONE should read) is having relationship problems because she wants a “title” (i.e. Girlfriend) and he doesn’t. He say’s he’s not ready for a relationship, even though by all accounts that’s what they have.

And finally, a relative of mine has been in a “relationship” with a young man for almost a year now and he still refuses to call her his girlfriend even though recently told her that he :loves her,” very much and that he isn’t “checking for any other woman.”

Right.

So what’s the problem?

Here I am writing about telling your guy to “put a ring on it,” and it seems like I need to be telling ladies to tell their men to “put a title on it.”

Let’s be real, if you can’t get a man to put a title on it, how in the hell are you ever going to get him to put a ring on it?

I call this scenario the “Pseudo-relationship” with the “Not-boyfriend.” Pseudo because you’re in a relationship in almost every way but name and Not-boyfriend because…well…he’s not your boyfriend.

What I’m really scratching my head to figure out is how did women allow this situation to develop? Why have we, do we, allow these relationships to occur?

I get the man side of this. It’s the perfect set-up. You get to have the exclusivity of having a girlfriend but without any of the commitment, because let’s face it…the difference between calling a chick your “friend” and your “girlfriend,” is how you view your commitment to her.

It’s the same thing with the difference between (most) co-habiting couples and married couples. The married couples have taken a firm commitment to each other. The co-habiting couples tend to be there on a “try and see” basis.

However, for women, these low-commitment relationships rarely work. I know for me if I’m not your girlfriend then I’m dating other people. I don’t agree to any sort of exclusivity. Don’t even ask. if you want exclusive with me then you definitely need to put a title on it.

And every woman I know in one of these pseudo-relationships is rarely truly happy with the situation. Most want a title but they agree because they really care for the guy and he’s somehow convinced him that, though he’s not ready now, he will be someday.

Someday.

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Tell Him to “Put A Ring On It”

If He Wants It He Will Put A Ring On It

Up in the club (club), we just broke up (up) I’m doing my own little thing You decided to dip (dip), but now you want to trip (trip) Cause another brother noticed me I’m up on him (him), he up on me (me) Don’t pay him any attention Cause I cried my tears (tears), for three good years (years) You can’t be mad at me

[Chorus] Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it Don’t be mad once you see that *he* want it If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

And so goes Beyonce’s Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It). And while I believe Beyonce needs to go sit down somewhere and take a break…she has a point.

How many of you ladies out there hollering you want to get married are telling your men to “Put a ring on it?”

A Few Questions

1. How many of you are with men who you know don’t want to be married. Ever. Or better yet simply don’t want to be married to you, yet you stay with him anyway hoping to change his mind?

2. How many of you have men who you have been with 2+ years and you want to get married, but every time you bring it up he changes the topic? Or he keeps saying it will happen…one day…but they day never seems to come?

3. How many of you have men you’ve been with for awhile but are to0 afraid to bring up the subject of marriage for fear that it will scare him off and he will leave you?
How many?

See, too many women who should be telling a brother to “put a ring on it,” are too afraid to do so. Instead, they are staying with men hoping, praying, wishing, that the man will come to his senses and propose, so they can live happily ever after.

Listen Up Ladies

There’s nothing wrong with telling a brother that marriage is what you want and expect. As a matter of fact, if you’re serious about getting married, then you better tell a brother that that’s what you want or you’ll find yourself with a boyfriend for eight years, a couple of babies and no ring on your finger.

You can talk to me all day long about the numbers, but it seems to me too many women are willing to hold on to any man just to say they have one and are too willing to compromise their wants, needs and desires just to keep one.

How many of you actually date marriage minded men?

How many of you ask a guy before you get involved with him what he is looking for…whether he is looking for something casual or something more serious?

If you did ask, how many of you listened to what he told you? Or did you say, “I can change his mind,” if he told you he was just looking for something casual?
How many?

At some point Black women are going to have to take responsibility for their lack of marriage. We all know the problems. It’s time we start focusing on solutions. You want to get married, then you need to date marriage minded men.

You need to ask a guy what he’s looking for early on, so you know if this guy is looking for something serious or something casual. If it’s casual and that’s not what you want then you need to move on. Stop believing you can change a man’s mind.

If you’ve been with a guy for awhile and you want to know where the relationship is going…you need to ask. If he doesn’t give you the answer you want to hear, then leave. Relationships are about compatibility. If you want to get married and he doesn’t, then you’re not compatible. It really is that simple.

Sisters need to stop selling themselves short and giving up their power to the men in their lives. There’s nothing wrong with telling a man to “Put a ring on it.” And if he balks at the idea., find someone who will. Life’s too short to wait on someone who doesn’t want you.

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There’s the Man You Date and There’s the Man You Marry

The Man You Marry, Know The Difference

So often we here from men (and other women) that there are women you date and there are women you marry or, to put more crassly, you can’t turn a ho into a housewife. Well, the same applies to men. There is the man you date and there is the man you marry or, put another way, you can’t turn a hustler into a husband, and as women, we need to stop trying.

By “hustler” I don’t mean men who may be involved in illegal activities, I mean men who don’t have the emotional maturity, interest or ability to fully commit to one woman and family life. To often women take on the mentality that, “I can change him,” or “Love will conquer all.” Well I’m sorry to disappoint, but that works in movies and fairytales, there is a reason why they end at “Happily Ever After.”

You need to know they type of man you have. All relationships don’t have to or should end in marriage. And if the only reason you have for getting married is because you, “love him” then I need you to seriously rethink your decision. Love is but one factor in many that one needs to consider before walking down the aisle. All men, regardless of how much you may love each other, are not ready for marriage and you can’t make him ready, that’s something he has to do on his own.

So to save yourself a lot of heartache and pain, ask yourself if the man you’re with is really husband material. Is he ready to fully commit to you? To family? Will he be able to handle the ups and downs that come with married life? Are you all on the same page on the major issues: sex, finances, children, religion? Have you even talked about these things?

If the answer is no, then have the necessary discussions and if the answers aren’t what you need them to be then you know he’s a man you date, not one you marry.

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Wearing a Man Down is NOT a Marriage Strategy

Do You Have A Viable Marriage Strategy?

On Knowing When to Move On, a commenter posted the following:

And not for nothing, a lot of women can wear a man down or be the last option standing after a 10yr wait! It happens all the time… By then he has pressure from everyone to “do the right thing” so he usually does. That’s not the best way to make it to the alter. Although I have seen it A LOT, and everyone lies to themselves about the situation! That is until the sad little marriage falls apart. Then everyone remembers that it took the couple 10 yrs to agree that they wanted to get married!(and fyi: these marriages usually look real good at first!)

Wearing a man down not a marriage strategy. I know so many women who believe if they just stick around long enough then they will be rewarded for their stupidity loyalty with a gold ring. I know a woman who waited EIGHT years for her man to propose. He did. Add while they have been married for awhile they are having problems. Namely, he wants more kids (they have one) and she does not. Something you think they would have figured out in eight years of dating.

We can look to celebrity couples for this sort of thing as well, with mixed results. You have Diddy and Kim who, after 3 kids, 13 years and 1 J-Lo still could not convince Combs to marry her. And then there is Tiny and T.I. who, after 2 kids, 1 miscarriage, and a possible 10 year prison sentence finally got around to asking his long term girlfriend to marry him. The jury is still out on whether they actually make it down the aisle.

And our entertainment gives us such nonsense as well. Sex in the City perpetuated this foolishness by having Big FINALLY (sort of) propose to Carrie after 10 years of off and on dating and adultery–leading women to believe that they too can get their Mr. Big if they just wait long enough. Sigh. The lesson one should take from Sex in the City should be screw a Mr. Big…marry Aidan.

I don’t get this. I don’t get this laser focus on one man that will cause someone to give up years, decades even, of their life in hopes that this man will propose, with no guarantee that that is how things are going to work out (think Kim and Diddy). As I often ask on this blog, why are women so willing to give u their power? Contrary to all of the talk, getting married isn’t that difficult. And the one easiest way to see that it happens, is to follow this very simple advice: If you’re with a man who doesn’t want to get married, when you’re looking to get married, for whatever reason, then drop him and find you someone who is.

Simple.

Relationships are about compatibility and if you’re seeking marriage and he is not then you all are not compatible. Hoping, praying, begging, pleading, waiting is not going to make him marry you. And even if he does…what kind of marriage will it be? I don’t know about anyone else, but I want a man who wants to marry me, not one I had to drag, kicking and screaming, to the alter.

3 Signs Your Man is Cheating

Top Signs Man Is Cheating

So in Top 5 Signs You are Not His (Only)

Woman seems like those who commented on the post wanted to know how to tell if your man was cheating:

I dig what you’re saying but what about the supposed wifey/main chick who hears from him at regular hours, has met his friends and family, gets taken out, etc. yet is still being cheated on? How’s she supposed to know? That’s a list I’d like to read = )
– Jennifer

However, what about the guy who is doing everything right, calling during the day, you have met his friends, you are super close, didn’t give up the panties until months in…..but you find out he is cheating and wonder how did he pull it off?? Ain’t that many hours in the day….lol
– Posh

yeah im with jennifer these are obvious signs that he isnt your but like she siad what about if none of these signs describe him and you still think he is with someone else
– Cherish

Well, you know, I don’t believe that there is a woman alive who doesn’t know her man is cheating. I believe signs are everywhere and that women choose to ignore the obvious. You know your man and you know when something isn’t right.

For example: With one of my exes who I was off and on with for a year or so, I always knew when he was about to bounce. He was the type who would always call when he said he would. ALWAYS. So when he’s start not calling me back after saying he would call, I knew he was about to pull one of his disappearing acts. It never failed. It was always the same.

Another ex, would pick random fights with me for no reason when he was about to break up with me. Always. I knew it was coming because we would be fine and then for no reason he would cop a huge attitude, pick a fight and then bounce. My clue there was another woman.

So my point is, there are always signs. You’re just (willfully) ignoring them. We all perform a certain level of cognitive dissonance in out lives and I don’t know anyone who is more willingly delusional than a woman who doesn’t want to believe her man is cheating.

Here are a few red flags that he may be tipping out:

1. Sudden Changes in Schedule/Routine

Did he used to go to the gym in the mornings and now he goes in the evening? Is there no real explanation for the change. Has he stopped doing something, or stated doing something that he wasn’t doing before? Was there no warning and when you ask you get vague answers?

2. More Time at Work

Is he all of a sudden spending more time at work, but like the changes in schedule, it’s abrupt with no warning. As far as you know there isn’t any new project or responsibilities that he as at his job, but all of a sudden he seems to spend more and more time there. When you ask about all the new hours, he doesn’t give you an answer that’s worth the time he took to say it.

3. The Sex/Grooming/Weight Changes

This is actually the easiest way to tell if a woman is cheating but works for a man as well. Is the sex drastically different? More frequent? Less frequent? Is he doing different stuff? Is he spending more time on his looks then he was before? Has he started losing weight? Wearing cologne? Keeping a fresh cut? Dapper down?

Yeah, you might want to chalk the new found sexiness up to a new woman.

But you know this. Like I said, women know when their men are tipping out. By the time you satrt asking the question, “Is he cheating,” you already know the answer. You know your man better than I do. And if you’re honest with yourself, the question isn’t, “Is he cheating,” the real question is, “What are you going to do about it?.”

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Top 5 Signs You’re Not His (Only) Woman

Five Signs He’s Cheating On You

Many women I know or have known claim they have a man or that someone they’re seeing really cares about them , but when you hear the details of their “relationship” you realize that it’s no relationship at all but an extended booty call. She’s making time with a guy when she is definitely NOT the only chick and more than like not even the main chick.

1. He only calls you after 11pm

Let’s face it, if he can’t call you doing normal business hours, you are not his woman. If the only time he can pick up the phone (or text) you is doing standard booty call hours you have to ask yourself who he’s calling when he’s not calling you.

2. The only time he calls is when he wants sex

Regardless of the hour of day he’s calling, if the only time he calls is when he’s looking for a little bedroom action, well he may like your lady parts but he definitely doesn’t like you.

3. You haven’t met any of his friends and family

If a guy is really into a chick he’s going to (eventually) introduce her to friends and family. At the very least his friends and family will be aware that you exist. If you’ve never met anyone who is close to him, there is a good reason why and it’s not one that’s good for you.

4. He never takes you out

If the only thing he wants to do is hang out at the house and he never takes you out or attempts to take you out, there’s a reason for that. Believe me if he’s not taking you out, there’s a good chance that he ‘s out with someone else. And even if he’s not dating someone else, his unwillingness to take you out is a good sign that he hasn’t any real interest in you. You are definitely not his woman.

5. You don’t know how he spends his time when he’s not with you

If you’re clueless about how he spends his time when he’s not with you, then you don’t know him and if you don’t know him, you’re not his woman. If you ask him, “what did you do today,” and his answers are always vague, well just assume he was doing things (or spending time with someone) he doesn’t want you to know about. And if that is the case…well…you’re better off finding another man ’cause the one you have isn’t yours

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Stop Playing Wife If Your Man’s Not Playing Husband

Stop Playing Wife When You’re Just A Girlfriend

To all the desperate women out there: Stop it. You’re making it hard for the rest of us. I’m tired of encountering men who seem to believe all they have to do is look good, have a degree and smile to have my panties fall off.

I’m tired of the men who’s first question seems to be: Can you to cook? To which I reply: Yes. I can. But I won’t be doing it for you.

I’m tired of the men who call at all times of night, asking to come over and “chill” as I let them know that it’s too late to be at my crib and what ever “chilling” they want to do can be done between the hours of 9 and 10.

Or how about the men who don’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of but seem to think it’s their right in life to have a “dime.” And that my extra fly ass should be grateful that they even said hello to me and can’t possibly understand why I’m not leaping up and down at the prospect of being with them.

And please, don’t get me started on all of the men who tell me that I want them as much as they want me. Right. So all those texts and phone calls I didn’t return didn’t send the message that I wasn’t interested , huh?

The reason why so many men today think that they have to do so little to attract quality chicks, is because they don’t. Too many women out here will do whatever it takes to find, get and keep a man, turning the whole natural order of the dating world on its head. Women are doing the chasing and men are doing the choosing. And apparently I’m the only one who seems to think something is wrong with that.

I’m old school. I may only be 28, but I was raised to believe that it’s a man’s job to court me. He does the chasing. I do the choosing. Simple. And effective. But now, because of the very real demographic differences among a certain section of the Black community, women are doing whatever it takes to get a man. And I do mean whatever.

If that means cooking, cleaning, sexing, cow towing, begging, pleading, giving money to, letting live with, catching a case for (no lie) or just being a 21st century rendition of a Geisha with none of the perks who completely takes Destiny’s Child “Cater to You” to heart with little to no reciprocation, then so be it. If that’s what it takes to get and keep a man, then that is what too many women are willing do.

I’m sorry, but I just can’t get down like that. As I have had to tell one too many men: I am not your wife. And even if I was, I wouldn’t be bending over backward to cater to you. If you want 150% from me, then you better be giving me 150% in return. But don’t expect to operate on 10% and expect me to give you 150. If you’re operating on 10%, I’m operating on 20 and that’s just because I’m nice–sometimes.

To put simply: I give as good as I get. You wanna wife, you need to put a ring on my finger. I don’t play wife, unless you’re playing husband. A sentiment I wish more young women would take to heart.

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