There’s a lot of hemming and hawing in the black blogsphere as well as in the mainstream media on how impossible it is for a black woman to get married (I’d argue it’s a self fulfilling prophecy, but that’s another post for another day). But one question I think black women should ask themselves if it’s a marriage they really want or is it a wedding?

I watch “Say yes to the Dress” and other wedding shows. And to me it always seems that the women have every detailed planned for their wedding, down to the color of the flowers going in the flower girls’ headpiece, but I wonder if they have put that much planning into their actual marriages.

I know plenty of black women who have every detail of their wedding planned, yet they have no man. I know women who were obsessing over wedding magazines, but had never had a conversation with their future spouse over how the finances are going to be handled. There are couples who spend tens of thousands of dollars on a wedding and all of its surrounding events, but have yet to have a conversation how many children they are going to have, if any.

A wedding is a day. A marriage (ideally) is a lifetime. If you don’t want to end up in the divorce statistics, you should spend more time planning for your marriage and less planning for a day that is more for the wedding guests then the couple getting married.

Here is a list of 20 questions you should ask before you get married. If you look at the list and realize you haven’t asked even half of these questions then you know the least of you concerns is the perfect color fo your bridesmaids’ dresses:

Question 1: What percentage of our income are we prepared to spend to purchase and maintain our home on a monthly or annual basis?

Question 2: Who is responsible for keeping our house and yard cared for and organized? Are we different in our needs for cleanliness and organization?

Question 3: How much money do we earn together? Now? In one year? In five years? Ten? Who is responsible for which portion? Now? In one year? Five? Ten?

Question 4: What is our ultimate financial goal regarding annual income, and when do we anticipate achieving it? By what means and through what efforts?

Question 5: What are our categories of expense (rent, clothing, insurance, travel)? How much do we spend monthly, annually, in each category? How much do we want to be able to spend?

Question 6: How much time will each of us spend at work, and during what hours? Do we begin work early? Will we prefer to work into the evening?

Question 7: If one of us doesn’t want to work, under what circumstances, if any, would that be okay?

Question 8: How ambitious are you? Are we comfortable with the other’s level of ambition?

Question 9: Am I comfortable giving and receiving love sexually? In sex, does my partner feel my love for him or her?

Question 10: Are we satisfied with the frequency of our lovemaking? How do we cope when our desire levels are unmatched? A little? A lot? For a night? A week? A month? A year? More?

Question 11: Do we eat meals together? Which ones? Who is responsible for the food shopping? Who prepares the meals? Who cleans up afterward?

Question 12: Is each of us happy with the other’s approach to health? Does one have habits or tendencies that concern the other (e.g., smoking, excessive dieting, poor diet)?

Question 13: What place does the other’s family play in our family life? How often do we visit or socialize together? If we have out-of-town relatives, will we ask them to visit us for extended periods? How often?

Question 14: If we have children, what kind of relationship do we hope our parents will have with their grandchildren? How much time will they spend together?

Question 15: Will we have children? If so, when? How many? How important is having children to each of us?

Question 16: How will having a child change the way we live now? Will we want to take time off from work, or work a reduced schedule? For how long? Will we need to rethink who is responsible for housekeeping?

Question 17: Are we satisfied with the quality and quantity of friends we currently have? Would we like to be more involved socially? Are we overwhelmed socially and need to cut back on such commitments?

Question 18: What are my partner’s needs for cultivating or maintaining friendships outside our relationship? Is it easy for me to support those needs, or do they bother me in any way?

Question 19: Do we share a religion? Do we belong to a church, synagogue, mosque or temple? More than one? If not, would our relationship benefit from such an affiliation?

Question 20: Does one of us have an individual spiritual practice? Is the practice and the time devoted to it acceptable to the other? Does each partner understand and respect the other’s choices?

In Tell him to “Put a Ring  On It” I briefly mentioned the need to date marriage minded men if marriage is your goal.

This should be a no brainer when you’ve decided that you want more than a casual relationship, but for too many of us it’s not. Somehow we meet a guy, think he’s great and decide to ignore the fact that he said, “Well, I’m not looking for anything serious right now.”

Then we act all surprised when not only won’t he “put a ring on it,” he won’t “put a title on it,” either.

It’s time we stop with the insanity. Brandon St. Randy had a post up talking about the Indian way of marriage, where arranged marriages are still the norm and the more “progressive” dating process involves folk dating a few months before they walk down the aisle (or around the fire).

While I’m not sure full on arranged marriages are the way to go, I do believe there is a happy medium between arranged marriages and the western style of dating that will have you dating someone for years and still not sure if they’re the one for you.

The only point of dating is to find your future spouse. Not to end up in a perpetual pseudo marriage, only to have it end in heartbreak and pain when it doesn’t work out and then to start all over again. Honestly, if you’re a woman over 25 who wants to be married and have kids, then you should be dating with a purpose and not wasting your time on anyone who isn’t on the same page you’re on.

You have to be  mercenary when dating, eliminating men on the first date who don’t meet your standards, share your values or goals.

Throw the “normal” dating rule out of the window.

Ask all of the “rude” first date questions on a first date.

If he isn’t giving the answers you’re looking for, then keep it moving. You don’t have time to waste on a guy who doesn’t want the same things you want. I guarantee when you give your daatng a purpose you will feel so liberated. You will alleviate the stress associated with dating, guessing whether a man is into you or not, and waiting for him to decide your future for you.

And that’s an important point. Too often we let men determine the pace and future of our relationship lives. We wait for him to choose us as a potential date, girlfriend, wife. This can lead to disastrous results as some women spend years, decades even with men who have no intentions of proposing, even though they desperately want to be wife.

If you take control of your dating life by only dating marriage minded men then you eliminate all of this waiting around, hoping and praying for him to chose you. You all will choose each other and the relationship will be that much stronger for it.

Next Up: Brown Sugar’s Mercenary Dating Guide

“I’m a good Black man.” A friend of mine said to me in the car one day. He was auditioning to be my bed buddy this particular night and this was our first official almost date.

I didn’t respond. I remember thinking, whatever his next words were going to be were going to piss me off in the same manner his declaration that he only liked “red girls” already had.

“I’m a good Black man,” He says again. “I’m in school, I have a job and I don’t have any kids.” He continued will a heavy amount of pride and arrogance in his voice.

So, I thought. All you need to be a good black man is to be in school (he was working on a masters), have a job and not have any kids?

Really?

Last I checked those were minimum basic requirements. Apparently I was wrong. As a fellow colleague of a homegirl of mine said, “As long as black men aren’t walking around spreading feces on their face their deemed exceptional.”

That made me laugh, but her point was that a reasonable articulate black dude, who has gone and taken some college classes (optional) and is gainfully employed is considered a “good” man.

And it’s true. I’ve heard so many women say to their girlfriends, “Girl you should keep him. He’s a good black man.”

Mind you he good be barely employed, have a couple of kids by a couple of women, be somewhat articulate, but as long as he’s employed and hasn’t been in the criminal justice system then he’s a-okay.

Usually the determination of a black man being “good” involves a combination of the following:

1. College educated
2. Not college educated but
3. Employed
4.Doesn’t have kids or
5. Has kids but takes care of them

If the man in question has any three of the five he’s deemed good and definitely marriageable and therefore worth holding on to for dear life.

But I’m with Chris Rock when it comes to this kind of thinking: When did we start giving brothers cookies for doing what they’re supposed to do?

Last I checked any of the five above are minimum basic requirements. Those are just starting points where I might be willing to listen to your pitch as to why I should even think about giving you my number. And in my world, college educated is a must and it’s not good enough for you to just be employed. You need a career, not just a job.

Why, as black women, are we willing to accept so little. I know plenty of men who offer the bare minimum in the way of the five above, yet walk around like they’re the best thing since sliced bread; that I should be grateful that they took the time to bless me with their presence.

Yeah. Okay.

Too many sisters won’t accept anything less than greatness in other aspects of their life, but when it comes to men, as long as they’re not spreading feces on their face, then who cares if they don’t have much to offer. The minimum will do.

These low expectations we place on black males aren’t a good thing. We handicap them from birth and have too many believing mediocrity is greatness. And for those who are truly great, too often their attitude is so horrendous because they buy into their own hype, you don’t want to be bothered with them.

Enough is enough already. Anytime I hear a brother proclaim how he’s a “good black man,” I just roll my eyes. I know the next words out his mouth are usually, “but I can’t find a good black woman.”

Translation: I can’t find a woman who will live up to my unrealistic expectations even though I’m hardly bringing any of those qualities to the table myself.

So the next time a brother tells you he’s a, “good black man,” call him on it. Ask him what makes him so good. If all he can give you is the minimum basic requirements let him know you don’t give your cookies to guys simply because they do what their supposed to do.

Originally Posted 092008 on t-time

The Other Woman isn’t the problem.

I know this is hard for many women to believe, but it’s true. Too often I’ve seen women go after the Other Chick while never, ever going after their men. Or, if they go after their man, it’s never quite with the same ferocity as they do the Other Woman. Or better yet, they manage to forgive the man, but not the person the man was cheating with.

I also love how, on many sites that deal with infidelity issues, there are often posts that discuss how we (the community) have to start holding women who “prey” on married men accountable. Right. But how about the men who prey on married women…or the married men who prey on single women…we don’t need to hold them accountable?

But I digress.

Back to the Other Woman.

The reason why the Other Woman is not a problem is because she had no loyalty to you. She didn’t swear in front of God and country to love, honor and cherish you, she didn’t ask you to marry her, she didn’t request that you be her lady. Nothing. She has no responsibility to you what-so-ever. And that’s what women who are ready to “cut a bitch,” seem to forget.

There’s a blog over on A Belle in Brooklyn where a woman stayed married to man for 32 years even though he had been cheating on her from day 1. He cheated so much it became defacto normal. So much so, she used to press his clothes so he could go to the club. While that didn’t make her leave, when she found out their home was in foreclosure because he’d been paying the mortgage on his current mistresses condo and not on their family home — did…but like I said, this was 32 years in to the debacle that was their marriage.

So, In this post she expresses that she’s forgiven her ex-husband, but clearly still had a lot of animosity toward the women who were cheating with her man. To that, all I could say was…huh?

Unless a woman is a close relative or friend there is little reason for your anger to be directed at her. I can understand being upset, but I’ve never been truly mad at a woman who was messing with my man if she didn’t know me from Eve…even if she knew he was taken when she got involved. In the one instance where my friend ended up with my boyfriend, I had little to say to her until she tried to talk to me sideways. The only person who receives the brunt of my anger is the man I am involved with and that’s as it should be. He’s the one I gave my time, body and love too. He’s the one who’s supposed to be faithful to me. He’s the one who needs to be “cut.” No one else.

So ladies, save your anger for the person who is responsible for your pain…your cheating man. Please, no stalking of said chick, no catfights, no keying of any cars (well maybe his ), just remember she isn’t your problem…he is.

So I wrote Tell him to “Put a Ring On It,” and some of the comments I received from men were beyond mind-blowing. Some of my favorites:

and

Why can’t women just be cool with the situation at hand?? If he isn’t going anywhere, and he makes you happy, why do you need a title?? Once you get past the whole dating thing and you know that you are together, the just have fun with the situation for what it is. IF he wants to pop the question then it should be nothing to say yes, because you are enjoying your time with him!!

Couple this with Belle, over at A Belle in Brooklyn (an absolutely fabulous blog that I think EVERYONE should read) is having relationship problems because she wants a “title” (i.e. Girlfriend) and he doesn’t. He say’s he’s not ready for a relationship, even though by all accounts that’s what they have.

And finally, a relative of mine has been in a “relationship” with a young man for almost a year now and he still refuses to call her his girlfriend even though recently told her that he :loves her,” very much and that he isn’t “checking for any other woman.”

Right.

So what’s the problem?

Here I am writing about telling your guy to “put a ring on it,” and it seems like I need to be telling ladies to tell their men to “put a title on it.”

Let’s be real, if you can’t get a man to put a title on it, how in the hell are you ever going to get him to put a ring on it?

I call this scenario the “Pseudo-relationship” with the “Not-boyfriend.” Pseudo because you’re in a relationship in almost every way but name and Not-boyfriend because…well…he’s not your boyfriend.

What I’m really scratching my head to figure out is how did women allow this situation to develop? Why have we, do we, allow these relationships to occur?

I get the man side of this. It’s the perfect set-up. You get to have the exclusivity of having a girlfriend but without any of the commitment, because let’s face it…the difference between calling a chick your “friend” and your “girlfriend,” is how you view your commitment to her.

It’s the same thing with the difference between (most) co-habiting couples and married couples. The married couples have taken a firm commitment to each other. The co-habiting couples tend to be there on a “try and see” basis.

However, for women, these low-commitment relationships rarely work. I know for me if I’m not your girlfriend then I’m dating other people. I don’t agree to any sort of exclusivity. Don’t even ask. if you want exclusive with me then you definitely need to put a title on it.

And every woman I know in one of these pseudo-relationships is rarely truly happy with the situation. Most want a title but they agree because they really care for the guy and he’s somehow convinced him that, though he’s not ready now, he will be someday.

Someday.

The reality is however, someday isn’t likely to come. Just as the co-habiting couple rarely turns to marriage, the pseudo relationship rarely turns into a full relationship. I’ve seen many a damaged woman form the pseudo-relationship gone wrong….myself included…and we weren’t even exclusive.

It’s just a bad deal. Why put up with the drama of a relationship, the ups and downs, the possible (and likely) heartbreak if you don’t even have a firm commitment from the guy you’re involved with?

I believe a woman is selling herself short if what she wants is a relationship and instead she settles for this poor substitute. Like I said in the last post: If you want a relationship get/have a relationship. Your wants, needs and desires shouldn’t be held up because some man in your life isn’t ready. If he’s not ready…move on…let him know to hit you up when he is…and hope you’re not already taken.

Men don’t like to fuck fat chicks.

Sorry to be so blunt about it, but it’s true.

And let’s be clear, I’m not talking about guys who date big women and later marry the women already big. A friend of mine has a wife who was 250lbs if she was pound when they got married. She’s bigger now but hey, he doesn’t mind, he married her big.

My cousin was also a big girl when she got hitched. Her man (who is handsome and fine) had no problems with that and they are still happily married to this day.

In general, however, what I said at the beginning ot this post still stands: Men don’t like to fuck fat chicks.

A fact many women seem to overlook when they get married or get in relationships and proceed to pack on the pounds.

“My man loves me,” you say.

Sure but loving you and wanting to fuck you are two different things

“My man would never leave me,” you say.

Perhaps. But people stay in marriages for any number of reasons.

“My man would never cheat on me,” you say.

Well…that’s where you are might be wrong. See I’m a firm believer in, “if he ain’t sleeping with me then he’s sleeping with someone,” and packing on the pounds is surefire way to ensure that the marital bed isn’t being set on fire.

Let’s be real here: if you were married at 135 pounds and are now 185 pounds you are not the same women he married. You just aren’t. You don’t have as much energy. Probably can’t participate in the same activities and the sex surely ain’t what it used to be.

Can you blame him for not being happy (or faithful)?

Love may be unconditional but sexual attraction is not. And before anyone tries to sell me on the bogus idea that, attraction starts in the mind and if you love someone that automatically means you want to screw them, I will automatically call bullshit on the bullshit you’re selling.

Love and sex are not synonymous – a fact we seem to be aware of before we get starry eyed and fall in love and/or in matrimony.

So my advice to any woman who is married or in a long-term relationship is to keep it right and keep it tight. A ten-pound gain is one thing. A fifty-pound gain is another.

And before anybody comments otherwise: this applies to the fellas as well. There’s no way I’d keep sexing a man who went from fit and fabulous to fat and flabby. If I gotta raise your belly to find your penis…it ain’t happening.

I have a pet peeve.

Men who believe that they should have a “dime” yet only amount to a nickel themselves and then these same men sit around and call all women gold diggers and complain how women won’t “give a good brother a try.”

See, the problem with this scenario is this: too many men believe a woman should lower her standards (whatever they may be) to be with them. This is especially true if the man doing the complaining is gainfully employed, college educated, has no kids and Black, but may not be bringing in doctor, lawyer, athlete, mogul money.

Now in fairness, all these men aren’t “nickels,” some are actually very good catches, but because they want the tens and twelves they aren’t paying attention to the sevens and eights.

Case in point:

I have a friend who I love dearly but he’s stuck in this land where he believes he should have a Beyonce or Halle Berry even though he isn’t Jay-Z or Gabriel Aubrey. Now mind you he is attractive, funny and talented and even though he was recently laid off (company relocated to Canada) he still has women, plenty of attractive, successful women who are looking to spend time with him, understand his situation and would have zero issues being his lady.

However, he always declines.

He says they aren’t his “physical ideal.”

He wants drop dead gorgeous.

Finally one day I said, “Stop going after women you can’t afford.”

He didn’t like that too much.

Then he proceeded to rant and rave about how women in New York won’t give a brother a shot and they only care about how much he makes, yadda, yadda, yadda.

So, me being the loving friend that I am, pointed out some very basic truths on how the world works,

“Beauty is a commodity. Women trade on it to marry the biggest fish they can catch. Women who spend their time and energy maintaining their looks are looking for someone who can afford to keep up their very expensive beauty regime. That shit ain’t cheap. No matter how great a guy you are, you can’t do that. SO why don’t you stop beating your head up against a brick wall and go after the woman you can afford and the ones who like you for who you are right now?”

He didn’t hear any of that.

Well he did, but he didn’t want to hear it.

Instead he talked about how he was going to hold out for his “ideal.”

You can guess how well that’s working for him.

And this is my problem with so many men I know: these men believe they are entitled to extraordinary women while being rather ordinary themselves and then want to complain about it, saying it’s the woman’s fault for not being able to see their value.

Right.

Newsflash: instead of calling the women you can’t afford golddiggers…how about you do what it takes to get the woman of your dreams…or date the women you can afford. This is not rocket science.

While there are plenty of men out there who don’t get it, there are others who do. Another homeboy of mine had a completely different take on the situation.

“I’m going to be rich and famous so I can date groupies,” he said.

“Why would you want to date groupies?”

“Because they are the best looking women out there. They keep themselves up because they are looking for ballers. You don’t have to worry about them getting fat ’cause they know they can be replaced and they will cater to all your needs ’cause they know if they don’t you will find someone who will.”

“Okay,” I said, “Makes sense.”

And it did.

Now you may think my homeboy is shallow, and that’s fine, I do too, but at least he’s not sitting around complaining that the hot girls he wants don’t want him and won’t give a broke college student a chance though he is a “good brotha.”

He understands something very basic: If you want the hot girl, you need to have hot girl money.

Simple.

So note to the fellas: Stop chasing women you can’t afford. You want the dimes you need to have dime money. If you don’t, there are plenty of attractive women who will want you for where you are right now. You don’t do yourself any favors by chasing some unattainable ideal. And in the end, you keep passing up perfectly good women for some chick who isn’t gonna pay you any attention…you will end up alone.

Take a cue from the ladies: women know where they fall on the attractiveness scale and they act acordingly.

Just a thought.

On Knowing When to Move On, a commenter posted the following:

And not for nothing, a lot of women can wear a man down or be the last option standing after a 10yr wait! It happens all the time… By then he has pressure from everyone to “do the right thing” so he usually does. That’s not the best way to make it to the alter. Although I have seen it A LOT, and everyone lies to themselves about the situation! That is until the sad little marriage falls apart. Then everyone remembers that it took the couple 10 yrs to agree that they wanted to get married!(and fyi: these marriages usually look real good at first!)

Wearing a man down not a marriage strategy. I know so many women who believe if they just stick around long enough then they will be rewarded for their stupidity loyalty with a gold ring. I know a woman who waited EIGHT years for her man to propose. He did. Add while they have been married for awhile they are having problems. Namely, he wants more kids (they have one) and she does not. Something you think they would have figured out in eight years of dating.

We can look to celebrity couples for this sort of thing as well, with mixed results. You have Diddy and Kim who, after 3 kids, 13 years and 1 J-Lo still could not convince Combs to marry her. And then there is Tiny and T.I. who, after 2 kids, 1 miscarriage, and a possible 10 year prison sentence finally got around to asking his long term girlfriend to marry him. The jury is still out on whether they actually make it down the aisle.

And our entertainment gives us such nonsense as well. Sex in the City perpetuated this foolishness by having Big FINALLY (sort of) propose to Carrie after 10 years of off and on dating and adultery–leading women to believe that they too can get their Mr. Big if they just wait long enough. Sigh. The lesson one should take from Sex in the City should be screw a Mr. Big…marry Aidan.

I don’t get this. I don’t get this laser focus on one man that will cause someone to give up years, decades even, of their life in hopes that this man will propose, with no guarantee that that is how things are going to work out (think Kim and Diddy). As I often ask on this blog, why are women so willing to give u their power? Contrary to all of the talk, getting married isn’t that difficult. And the one easiest way to see that it happens, is to follow this very simple advice: If you’re with a man who doesn’t want to get married, when you’re looking to get married, for whatever reason, then drop him and find you someone who is.

Simple.

Relationships are about compatibility and if you’re seeking marriage and he is not then you all are not compatible. Hoping, praying, begging, pleading, waiting is not going to make him marry you. And even if he does…what kind of marriage will it be? I don’t know about anyone else, but I want a man who wants to marry me, not one I had to drag, kicking and screaming, to the alter.

Related Posts
Knowing When to Move On
Knowing When to Move On PT. 2
The Shortage of Marriagable Black Men and What to Do About It

So in Top 5 Signs You are Not His (Only) Woman seems like those who commented on the post wanted to know how to tell if your man was cheating:

I dig what you’re saying but what about the supposed wifey/main chick who hears from him at regular hours, has met his friends and family, gets taken out, etc. yet is still being cheated on? How’s she supposed to know? That’s a list I’d like to read = )
- Jennifer

However, what about the guy who is doing everything right, calling during the day, you have met his friends, you are super close, didn’t give up the panties until months in…..but you find out he is cheating and wonder how did he pull it off?? Ain’t that many hours in the day….lol
- Posh

yeah im with jennifer these are obvious signs that he isnt your but like she siad what about if none of these signs describe him and you still think he is with someone else
- Cherish

Well, you know, I don’t believe that there is a woman alive who doesn’t know her man is cheating. I believe signs are everywhere and that women choose to ignore the obvious. You know your man and you know when something isn’t right.

For example: With one of my exes who I was off and on with for a year or so, I always knew when he was about to bounce. He was the type who would always call when he said he would. ALWAYS. So when he’s start not calling me back after saying he would call, I knew he was about to pull one of his disappearing acts. It never failed. It was always the same.

Another ex, would pick random fights with me for no reason when he was about to break up with me. Always. I knew it was coming because we would be fine and then for no reason he would cop a huge attitude, pick a fight and then bounce. My clue there was another woman.

So my point is, there are always signs. You’re just (willfully) ignoring them. We all perform a certain level of cognitive dissonance in out lives and I don’t know anyone who is more willingly delusional than a woman who doesn’t want to believe her man is cheating.

Here are a few red flags that he may be tipping out:

1. Sudden Changes in Schedule/Routine. Did he used to go to the gym in the mornings and now he goes in the evening? Is there no real explanation for the change. Has he stopped doing something, or stated doing something that he wasn’t doing before? Was there no warning and when you ask you get vague answers?

2. More Time at Work. Is he all of a sudden spending more time at work, but like the changes in schedule, it’s abrupt with no warning. As far as you know there isn’t any new project or responsibilities that he as at his job, but all of a sudden he seems to spend more and more time there. When you ask about all the new hours, he doesn’t give you an answer that’s worth the time he took to say it.

3. The Sex/Grooming/Weight Changes. This is actually the easiest way to tell if a woman is cheating but works for a man as well. Is the sex drastically different? More frequent? Less frequent? Is he doing different stuff? Is he spending more time on his looks then he was before? Has he started losing weight? Wearing cologne? Keeping a fresh cut? Dapper down?

Yeah, you might want to chalk the new found sexiness up to a new woman.

But you know this. Like I said, women know when their men are tipping out. By the time you satrt asking the question, “Is he cheating,” you already know the answer. You know your man better than I do. And if you’re honest with yourself, the question isn’t, “Is he cheating,” the real question is, “What are you going to do about it?.”

Many women I know or have known claim they have a man or that someone they’re seeing really cares about them , but when you hear the details of their “relationship” you realize that it’s no relationship at all but an extended booty call. She’s making time with a guy when she is definitely NOT the only chick and more than like not even the main chick.

The Top 5 Signs You’re Not His (Only) Woman

1. He only calls you after 11pm. Let’s face it, if he can’t call you doing normal business hours, you are not his woman. If the only time he can pick up the phone (or text) you is doing standard booty call hours you have to ask yourself who he’s calling when he’s not calling you.

2. The only time he calls is when he wants sex. Regardless of the hour of day he’s calling, if the only time he calls is when he’s looking for a little bedroom action, well he may like your lady parts but he definitely doesn’t like you.

3. You haven’t met any of his friends and family. If a guy is really into a chick he’s going to (eventually) introduce her to friends and family. At the very least his friends and family will be aware that you exist. If you’ve never met anyone who is close to him, there is a good reason why and it’s not one that’s good for you.

4. He never takes you out. If the only thing he wants to do is hang out at the house and he never takes you out or attempts to take you out, there’s a reason for that. Believe me if he’s not taking you out, there’s a good chance that he ‘s out with someone else. And even if he’s not dating someone else, his unwillingness to take you out is a good sign that he hasn’t any real interest in you. You are definitely not his woman.

5. You don’t know how he spends his time when he’s not with you. If you’re clueless about how he spends his time when he’s not with you, then you don’t know him and if you don’t know him, you’re not his woman. If you ask him, “what did you do today,” and his answers are always vague, well just assume he was doing things (or spending time with someone) he doesn’t want you to know about. And if that is the case…well…you’re better off finding another man ’cause the one you have isn’t yours.