Last week we learned about the six guidelines for women to get married according to John T. Molloy and the research he conducted for his book, Why Men Marry Some Men and Not Others. That post focused on guideline 5: Keep in shape, watch your weight, and take care of your appearance.

This week I’m focusing on the #1 guideline women need to follow if they want to get married and that is to “insist on it.” Turns out, you have to tell the guy to, “put a ring on it,” or it’s just not going to happen. When Mollow looked at men who had dated a woman for years and didn’t marry her and then turned around and married the next woman he dated after a very short amount of time, the difference was that the second woman made the guy commit early on in the relationship. She put it on the table that being with her meant marriage and after a designated period of time, if he wasn’t proposing, she was walking.

Molloy readily recommends women being up front with their expectation of marriage, setting a date for the commitment to happen and then walking if it doesn’t:

If you meet a man who has had a long-term relationship, make it clear to him that if he dates you for a certain length of time, you’ll expect a ring. If he doesn’t understand that, you haven’t done your job. Don’t think his affirmative response to such a declaration is a precursor to his making a commitment. He’s strung many women along, and he may try it with you. If after six months you don’t have a firm commitment, leave.

Time is not on your side in the marriage lottery and Mollow stresses time and time again that wasting your time in a going nowhere relationship or with a man who isn’t looking to get married is marital suicide. Don’t do it to yourself. There’s no shame in leting your sgnificant other know that, “look, being with me means marriage.” If he balks at the idea then you know you need to keep it stepping and send him packing. To quote Beyonce: If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it.

So I wrote Tell him to “Put a Ring On It,” and some of the comments I received from men were beyond mind-blowing. Some of my favorites:

and

Why can’t women just be cool with the situation at hand?? If he isn’t going anywhere, and he makes you happy, why do you need a title?? Once you get past the whole dating thing and you know that you are together, the just have fun with the situation for what it is. IF he wants to pop the question then it should be nothing to say yes, because you are enjoying your time with him!!

Couple this with Belle, over at A Belle in Brooklyn (an absolutely fabulous blog that I think EVERYONE should read) is having relationship problems because she wants a “title” (i.e. Girlfriend) and he doesn’t. He say’s he’s not ready for a relationship, even though by all accounts that’s what they have.

And finally, a relative of mine has been in a “relationship” with a young man for almost a year now and he still refuses to call her his girlfriend even though recently told her that he :loves her,” very much and that he isn’t “checking for any other woman.”

Right.

So what’s the problem?

Here I am writing about telling your guy to “put a ring on it,” and it seems like I need to be telling ladies to tell their men to “put a title on it.”

Let’s be real, if you can’t get a man to put a title on it, how in the hell are you ever going to get him to put a ring on it?

I call this scenario the “Pseudo-relationship” with the “Not-boyfriend.” Pseudo because you’re in a relationship in almost every way but name and Not-boyfriend because…well…he’s not your boyfriend.

What I’m really scratching my head to figure out is how did women allow this situation to develop? Why have we, do we, allow these relationships to occur?

I get the man side of this. It’s the perfect set-up. You get to have the exclusivity of having a girlfriend but without any of the commitment, because let’s face it…the difference between calling a chick your “friend” and your “girlfriend,” is how you view your commitment to her.

It’s the same thing with the difference between (most) co-habiting couples and married couples. The married couples have taken a firm commitment to each other. The co-habiting couples tend to be there on a “try and see” basis.

However, for women, these low-commitment relationships rarely work. I know for me if I’m not your girlfriend then I’m dating other people. I don’t agree to any sort of exclusivity. Don’t even ask. if you want exclusive with me then you definitely need to put a title on it.

And every woman I know in one of these pseudo-relationships is rarely truly happy with the situation. Most want a title but they agree because they really care for the guy and he’s somehow convinced him that, though he’s not ready now, he will be someday.

Someday.

The reality is however, someday isn’t likely to come. Just as the co-habiting couple rarely turns to marriage, the pseudo relationship rarely turns into a full relationship. I’ve seen many a damaged woman form the pseudo-relationship gone wrong….myself included…and we weren’t even exclusive.

It’s just a bad deal. Why put up with the drama of a relationship, the ups and downs, the possible (and likely) heartbreak if you don’t even have a firm commitment from the guy you’re involved with?

I believe a woman is selling herself short if what she wants is a relationship and instead she settles for this poor substitute. Like I said in the last post: If you want a relationship get/have a relationship. Your wants, needs and desires shouldn’t be held up because some man in your life isn’t ready. If he’s not ready…move on…let him know to hit you up when he is…and hope you’re not already taken.

Up in the club (club), we just broke up (up) I’m doing my own little thing You decided to dip (dip), but now you want to trip (trip) Cause another brother noticed me I’m up on him (him), he up on me (me) Don’t pay him any attention Cause I cried my tears (tears), for three good years (years) You can’t be mad at me

[Chorus] Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it Don’t be mad once you see that *he* want it If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

And so goes Beyonce’s Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It). And while I believe Beyonce needs to go sit down some where and take a break…she has a point.

How many of you ladies out their hollering you want to get married are telling your men to “Put a ring on it?”

A few questions:

How many of you are with men who you know don’t want to be married. Ever. Or better yet simply don’t want to be married to you, yet you stay with him anyway hoping to change his mind?

How many of you have men who you have been with 2+ years and you want to get married, but every time you bring it up he changes the topic? Or he keeps saying it will happen…one day…but they day never seems to come?

How many of you have men you’ve been with for awhile but are to afraid to bring up the subject of marriage for fear that it will scare him off and he will leave you?
How many?

See, too many women who should be telling a brother to “put a ring on it,” are too afraid to do so. Instead, they are staying with men hoping, praying, wishing, that the man will come to his senses and propose, so they can live happily ever after.

Listen up ladies: There’s nothing wrong with telling a brother that marriage is what you want and expect. As a matter of fact, if you’re serious about getting married, then you better tell a brother that that’s what you want or you’ll find yourself with a boyfriend for eight years, a couple of babies and no ring on your finger.

You can talk to me all day long about the numbers, but it seems to me too many women are willing to hold on to any man just to say they have one and are too willing to compromise their wants, needs and desires just to keep one.

How many of you actually date marriage minded men?

How many of you ask a guy before you get involved with him what he is looking for…whether he is looking for something casual or something more serious?

If you did ask, how many of you listened to what he told you? Or did you say, “I can change his mind,” if he told you he was just looking for something casual?
How many?

At some point Black women are going to have to take responsibility for their lack of marriage. We all know the problems. It’s time we start focusing on solutions. You want to get married, then you need to date marriage minded men.

You need to ask a guy what he’s looking for early on, so you know if this guy is looking for something serious or something casual. If it’s casual and that’s not what you want then you need to move on. Stop believing you can change a man’s mind.

If you’ve been with a guy for awhile and you want to know where the relationship is going…you need to ask. If he doesn’t give you the answer you want to hear, then leave. Relationships are about compatibility. If you want to get married and he doesn’t, then you’re not compatible. It really is that simple.

Sisters need to stop selling themselves short and giving up their power to the men in their lives. There’s nothing wrong with telling a man to “Put a ring on it.” And if he balks at the idea., find someone who will. Life’s too short to wait on someone who doesn’t want you.