So often I hear from black women who have advanced or professional degrees that dating is hard out here for an educated black girl.

It seems there are many men who don’t find a super accomplished woman appealing. Or to be blunt about it, they’re just scared of a woman who may be smarter, more accomplished and (gasp) make more money they do.

So often however, when this topic comes up the men and their female apologists are quick to holler at the top of their lungs: THAT”S NOT THE CASE!!!!!!!  No they say, it’s the women who are the problem. These over educated sistas beleive their degrees should qualify them for wife status. They are leading with their degrees instead of being nice and flirty and smiling – ’cause of course we know that a woman needs to smile to get a man to say hello to her.

The truth is there are PLENTY of men who are intimidated by an intelligent, accomplished, successful woman. Many men want to feel like the King in their relationship an that can be difficult when their Quenn is better educated and making more dough than the King. There’s a reason why you see many successful, well off men with less accomplished women. The hot shot man cheating with his secretary, the nanny or his Argentinian mistress on his equally yoked wife is such a common occurrence we’re not even surprised by it anymore.

So yes, I think may black women are finding themselves at a disadvantage in the dating world when the step out in all of their educated, successful career glory. However I would ask if the guy who has a problem with ambitious, accomplished women is the guy you really want? I mean think about it: this guy feels so threatened by a woman who has her own that he would avoid them at all costs., why are you upset that he’s not talking to you? Is this the type of guy you really want?

I don’t think so.

Just as there are plenty of men who find the idea of dating a woman as accomplished than they are repugnant there are plenty who see that as a requirement in any woman they date. The intelligent ambitious gal is the one they want. They want a woman who can match their own fire and see that as an asset not a liability. These are they type of me you want to date, this is where you want to focus your energy. And if you feel you’re always meeting the guys who have problems with your level of education and success, you need to find other places to hang out.

It’s definitely not impossible to meet men who will appreciate you and appreciate the handwork you’ve put it to be successful, you just have to stop caring and focusing on the ones who don’t and put yourself in a position to find the ones who do.

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In Tell him to “Put a Ring  On It” I briefly mentioned the need to date marriage minded men if marriage is your goal.

This should be a no brainer when you’ve decided that you want more than a casual relationship, but for too many of us it’s not. Somehow we meet a guy, think he’s great and decide to ignore the fact that he said, “Well, I’m not looking for anything serious right now.”

Then we act all surprised when not only won’t he “put a ring on it,” he won’t “put a title on it,” either.

It’s time we stop with the insanity. Brandon St. Randy had a post up talking about the Indian way of marriage, where arranged marriages are still the norm and the more “progressive” dating process involves folk dating a few months before they walk down the aisle (or around the fire).

While I’m not sure full on arranged marriages are the way to go, I do believe there is a happy medium between arranged marriages and the western style of dating that will have you dating someone for years and still not sure if they’re the one for you.

The only point of dating is to find your future spouse. Not to end up in a perpetual pseudo marriage, only to have it end in heartbreak and pain when it doesn’t work out and then to start all over again. Honestly, if you’re a woman over 25 who wants to be married and have kids, then you should be dating with a purpose and not wasting your time on anyone who isn’t on the same page you’re on.

You have to be  mercenary when dating, eliminating men on the first date who don’t meet your standards, share your values or goals.

Throw the “normal” dating rule out of the window.

Ask all of the “rude” first date questions on a first date.

If he isn’t giving the answers you’re looking for, then keep it moving. You don’t have time to waste on a guy who doesn’t want the same things you want. I guarantee when you give your daatng a purpose you will feel so liberated. You will alleviate the stress associated with dating, guessing whether a man is into you or not, and waiting for him to decide your future for you.

And that’s an important point. Too often we let men determine the pace and future of our relationship lives. We wait for him to choose us as a potential date, girlfriend, wife. This can lead to disastrous results as some women spend years, decades even with men who have no intentions of proposing, even though they desperately want to be wife.

If you take control of your dating life by only dating marriage minded men then you eliminate all of this waiting around, hoping and praying for him to chose you. You all will choose each other and the relationship will be that much stronger for it.

Next Up: Brown Sugar’s Mercenary Dating Guide

While sometimes our hormones can get the better of our common sense, it’s always best to try and keep a cool head when the object of our desire is readily available. While waiting may not always be what you want to do, here are 5 reasons why you shouldn’t sleep with him…yet.

1. You’re Drunk – A lot of things (and people) look better with a little alcohol in your system. And let’s be real, drunk sex can be great, but there’s a difference between being pleasantly tipsy and sloppy drunk. Too much alcohol also lowers the inhibitions so you may do things you wouldn’t normally do, like having sex without a condom which could leave you open to pregnancy and STD’s.

2. Morning After Regret – Casual sex isn’t for everybody. What seemed like a great idea the night before can look like a waking nightmare the next morning. You don’t want to have regrets about someone you’ve just had sex with, so maybe it’s just better to take your time and make sure he’s who you want to be naked with and that it is more than just a casual lay.

3. You’re the Rebound Girl – Yes you’re really into dude, but he’s just gotten out of a relationship. Sorry to say it, but you may be the rebound girl. Sure he seems really into you now, but give it a few months when he realizes what he really needs is some time to himself. If he’s just let one woman go (or was dumped himself) it’s best to just wait awhile and make sure he’s over the other woman before ya’ll hop in the sack…Don’t Stop Now