Black Women | Brown Sugar

So there’s a shortage of marriageable Black men. Of Black educated, professional men to be exact. This isn’t news. It’s so not news that I’m not going to even bother going into details about the how and the why things are the way they are. As a matter of fact I’m sure, if you’re reading this, then you know all the numbers regarding Black men as well as you know your ABC’s.

So the question isn’t why is there a shortage of marriageable Black men. The question is: What are you going to do about it?

So, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to sit around and whine and cry about the situation or are you going to get out there and find you a man who loves you and wants to marry you? If you choose the former you’re on the wrong blog. If it’s the latter keep reading.

The way I see there are only two ways to address this issue of lack of marriageable Black men:

1. Date the men who are available to you
2. Know the difference between what you want and want you need in a man and in a relationship.

The first is simple. If you live in a predominantly Black neighborhood. Work with majority Black people and your social circle is black and you’re saying you want to date interracially, you might have a problem.

The same issue applies in reverse. If you live in a predominantly White neighborhood and you work with majority white people and you’re constantly saying, “Oh no. Only a Brother for me.” Well, my guess is you’ll be spending a lot of lonely nights.

Black women read these next words and take them to heart: IF you want a successful relationship or marriage you HAVE to date the men who are AVAILABLE to you.

By available I don’t mean any old bum who asks you out. I mean date the men who ask you out who fit what you’re looking for in a man and in a relationship, REGARDLESS of race/ethnicity. Don’t think you’re gonna meet your Black Prince if where you work, shop, live is filled more with Brad Pitts then Denzel Washingtons.

And if you’re a woman who wants to date out and you live in a Black mecca….don’t knock your interracial dreams but date the brothers as well. The reality is unless you plan on moving (and that’s an option) then you need to look at the men you meet everyday as potential mates; Black, White or Other.

The second point is important and one that can save a lot of women time and energy invested in bad relationships. Know what you’re looking for in a man and a relationship. And know the difference between what you want and what you need. This is MONUMENTALLY important. Too many times women have this list of things their man MUST have but as they get older the list gets shorter and shorter ’till all that’s required is a pulse and a job (maybe). LOL.

Be honest with yourself about what you NEED. What are the things you can’t live without? Saying you want a man who is 6’1, dark skinned and making six figures is nice but are those attributes you CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT? (If you say yes then I just can’t help you. lol) What does a man have to have for you to be with him and be happy? What would make him the perfect boyfriend? Husband? Does he need to be romantic? Does he need to have a college education? Does he need to be a professional or is blue collar okay? Kids/No kids? And a host of other things you need to ask yourself.

Once you get the list down to your NEEDS then STICK TO IT. Don’t compromise on that list. Know that this is the list any man you’re looking to get serious with needs to live up too. This is something you should do even if you’re not currently looking for a serious relationship because at some point you will be and when you are, the list will be ready.

Don’t sit around and buy into the message that because you’re Black and female you are destined to be alone. Barring some pretty extraordinary circumstance no one has to be alone. So make sure you don’t end up as one of those lonely, Black female statistics.

I received a note from one of the Essence 30 Dates in 30 Days women, Michelle. Talk about surprised. Who knew people actually read this blog. LOL.

As the fourth 30 Dates woman on the scene, I’m going to have to politely disagree with your assessment JJ. I was in a relationship that lasted 5 years (6 years ago) and of course it didn’t work out. After that I instituted a 2-year rule, if it doesn’t happen by then, its time to move on. But this is only relevant if marriage is your end goal. I attended the wedding a few years back of a couple that dated for 10 years! TEN YEARS. They now have a baby and are happier than ever. Could it be an anomaly? Perhaps, but it could happen. The point being, there is no one-way to do anything. We all have to find our own way, and make our own mistakes.

First, thanks Michelle for reading and commenting on the blog. Hope you keep coming back. And good luck on those dates! Now I obviously disagree and here’s why:

1. There are exceptions to every rule. But that doesn’t mean that the rule doesn’t apply. Do you want to be the exception or do you want to be married?

2. Everything I wrote applied ONLY to women who are looking to be married. If you’re not looking to be married then what I wrote isn’t for you.

3. The only time the year and half/two year rule wouldn’t apply is if you were in school, or military service, Peace Corps, or some other major time centric commitment.

4. And like I said in the comment section to Michelle, why would you give someone that much power in your life? Men are still the one’s who propose in this society and if he’s not proposing why would you sit around hoping, wishing, praying for him to propose? Why would you not take your life into your own hands, move on and find someone who wants to marry you?

So I’ve been watching Essence’s 30 Dates in 30 Days. I won’t comment on Essence continuing to feed into the, “Black women are so desperate and they can’t think of anyting else but how to get a man,” message that seems to be everywhere these days. But I will say the show offers a good case study on dating and what some (many) Black women are doing wrong (and what we’re doing right) when it comes to trying to find Mr. Right.

The first mistake I see being made by the women who’ve completed their dates is s common problem among all women (men too) thanks to Hollywood movies and Western ideals of love: The reliance on Chemistry

On all of the dates women kept talking about Chemistry. How they had Chemistry with this guy or didn’t have it with that guy. And the women were using, “Chemistry” to determine whether a guy was worthy of a second date.

Bad idea.

Trying to determine whether or not you have chemistry with someone after a first date is just silly. Chemistry is not an instant thing. Sometimes it needs room to grow but if you’re quick to dismiss a guy because you didn’t get the warm and fuzzes after your first date you could be missing out.

AND just because you have Chemistry with someone doesn’t mean they are the best fit for you. You have to be able to look past those initial butterflies and really be able to asses the man and see if what he’s offering is truly what you want and need. You can’t base a decision on who to get involved with simply on “He makes me feel all tingly inside.” To do so is to possibly overlook the guy who is truly your perfect match.

Next: Knowing when to move on

I’m really beginning to think that many Black woman are clueless on how to get a date. And I don’t really understand why that is because getting a date is not that difficult. I could
I have a date tonight if I wanted one.

If you are a woman who is wanting to date and you aren’t getting one, my guess is you’re doing 1 of 4 things:

1. Always with other women

2. Not going out where the men are

3. Not going on a date because he doesn’t fit your ideal of “The One”

4. Not making the most of opportunities

The first mistake is an easy one to make. When you go out, you go out with your girls. But if you’re ALWAYS out with your girls the likelihood of a man approaching you is slim to none. No one wants to get rejected in front of a table full of women. Now, there are two ways you can fix this:

1. When you’re out with your girls separate yourself from them from time to time. If you’re at a club go to the bathroom by yourself (yes it is possible to do that). If you’re going to a restaurant maybe arrive early and hang out at the bar before the rest of the crew arrives. The point is to give a someone the opportunity to talk to you. Otherwise you’re going to be sitting around all night asking, “Where the men at?”

2. Go out alone. Yes, I know, shock of all shocks, I said go out alone. No, you won’t look desperate and yes you might just meet someone. It’s not rocket science. If you want someone to ask you on a date you have to appear available. Being alone can be a good look if getting someone to ask you out is what you’re looking for.

The second reason is one many, many women fall into. When I was back home the only places I went was school, home and out with my married girlfriends (yes I was breaking rules 1 and 2). And guess what: I rarely had a date.

So if you’re constantly going to the same places and constantly complaining that they’re no men then it doesn’t take a brain surgeon to realize that maybe, just maybe you need to find some other places to go.

Now before you say, “But JJ I don’t know where to go.” I’d say take a hard look at your area and ask yourself where the men are hanging out that you’d be interested in meeting. Once you have the answer to that question then you’ll know where to go.

The third reason why many Black women are sitting alone on a Saturday night is because you’re turning down men before you even go out with them, simply because they don’t fit your ideal of “The One.”

We’ve all heard the saying ‘You have to kiss many frogs before you find your prince.” Well, I’m saying you may not have to kiss them but you definitely have to date them. Dating is an opportunity to get to know people and yes hopefully, eventually, find that special someone. But if you’re turning down men before you even go out with them, just because they’re not 6’1 or dark skinned, or light skinned, or because they have dreads or don’t have dreads, then how are you ever going to meet the man of your dreams.

From my experience people say they want one thing but their actions say they want another. Many of the reasons you’d initially turn a guy down are superficial. Try saying yes where you’d usually say no and you might be surprised. Dating offers you the chance to really get to know what you want and don’t want in a man and the more you date the better your chances of finding someone you want to be with.

The last one, not making the most of your opportunities, is easy to do as well. Are you making the most of your opportunities? Really? You need to ask yourself this question and be honest about the answer. Do you flirt with the cute guy in the post office? The single guy you saw in the grocery store, did you say hi? If you’re a bus rider like me, did you strike up a conversation with the cutie who sat down next to you? You have to make the most of the opportunities that are presented to you. You’re probably meeting available men all of the time. But you’re not taking the time to notice because you’re so caught up in what you’re doing. Start paying attention to your surroundings and you may be surprised at what you find.

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The Shortage of Marriageable Black Men and What to do About It

Knowing When to Move On Pt. 2

The Fallacy of Chemistry

How To Get a Date

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