African American Women Dating

The Educated Black Woman Curse: Dating With Degrees

Oct 192009

So often I hear from black women who have advanced or professional degrees that dating is hard out here for an educated black girl.

It seems there are many men who don’t find a super accomplished woman appealing. Or to be blunt about it, they’re just scared of a woman who may be smarter, more accomplished and (gasp) make more money they do.

So often however, when this topic comes up the men and their female apologists are quick to holler at the top of their lungs: THAT”S NOT THE CASE!!!!!!! No they say, it’s the women who are the problem. These over educated sistas beleive their degrees should qualify them for wife status. They are leading with their degrees instead of being nice and flirty and smiling – ’cause of course we know that a woman needs to smile to get a man to say hello to her.

The truth is there are PLENTY of men who are intimidated by an intelligent, accomplished, successful woman. Many men want to feel like the King in their relationship an that can be difficult when their Quenn is better educated and making more dough than the King. There’s a reason why you see many successful, well off men with less accomplished women. The hot shot man cheating with his secretary, the nanny or his Argentinian mistress on his equally yoked wife is such a common occurrence we’re not even surprised by it anymore.

So yes, I think may black women are finding themselves at a disadvantage in the dating world when the step out in all of their educated, successful career glory. However I would ask if the guy who has a problem with ambitious, accomplished women is the guy you really want? I mean think about it: this guy feels so threatened by a woman who has her own that he would avoid them at all costs., why are you upset that he’s not talking to you? Is this the type of guy you really want?

I don’t think so.

Just as there are plenty of men who find the idea of dating a woman as accomplished than they are repugnant there are plenty who see that as a requirement in any woman they date. The intelligent ambitious gal is the one they want. They want a woman who can match their own fire and see that as an asset not a liability. These are they type of me you want to date, this is where you want to focus your energy. And if you feel you’re always meeting the guys who have problems with your level of education and success, you need to find other places to hang out.

It’s definitely not impossible to meet men who will appreciate you and appreciate the handwork you’ve put it to be successful, you just have to stop caring and focusing on the ones who don’t and put yourself in a position to find the ones who do.

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5 Questions Women Should Ask Men When Dating

Sex & Relationships No Responses »

Sep 282009

So Mr Serial Divorcee Relationship Expert Steve Harvey has five questions all women should ask men when they are dating. While I dont’t agree with most of Stevy harvey’s brand of relationship advice I do beleive that his “5 questions,” are pretty on point. I’d epand the list a bit but these five definitley cover the basics:

1. What are your short-term goals?
Steve says this is a question you need to ask on the first date. “That’s important. You want to know what a guy’s working on,” he says. “You listen very intently. You use your investigative skills. You be smart.”

2. What are your long-term goals?
Every man needs to have a plan, Steve says. “They have to be different from the short-term goals,” he says. “If they’re not different, you have a guy that’s not really planning.”

Once you’re armed with this information, Steve says you can decide whether you want to attach yourself to his plan and take the relationship to the next level.

3. What are your views on relationships?
Family, friends, God … find out if these bonds are strong. Steve says a man’s relationship with his mother is the most critical. “If it’s nonexistent, that’s a red flag. If that bond has been tainted or broken, please know he has no problem tainting or breaking yours,” he says. “If you can’t love your mother, please know he is incapable of loving you.”

If you’re spiritual — and he’s not — Steve says you probably won’t be able to change him.

4. What do you think about me?
Steve says women should listen carefully to how a man answers this question. It may reveal a lot about the impression you’re making.

“He’ll gladly tell you this. ‘I think that you’re great. I think you would make a great mother. I think you would be a terrific homemaker. I think you’re very independent. I think you’re very worthy,’” Steve says. “He’s going to tell you all of this stuff.”

5. What do you feel about me?
Once you have the answer to the fourth question, immediately ask the last one on Steve’s list. In most cases, how a man feels about you will be very different from what he thinks of you.

These are questions that are great to ask if you’re at the point where you need to decide whether the relationship is going somewhere or not. I think in most cases 4 and 5 answer themselves, but there are plenty occasions where the signs arent that clear and you need a direct answer.

I would add that whatever answer you get for 4 and 5 you need to beleive it. Don’t go second guessing what was said or trying to fit it into whatever you want him to mean. Take the man at face value – good or bad. You’ll be much happier for it.

Cross Post: Real Talk on Interracial Dating From Someone Who Doesn't Hate Black Men

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Aug 172009

From A Big Butt and a Smile:

There’s a lot of hate in the blogsphere directed toward black men and a lot of bullshit, uniformed dialogue when it comes to interracial dating, often coming from the same sources. To many of the IR dating sites hold white men up as the example of all that’s right with men and black men of all that’s wrong with them.

In convincing black women about their options it becomes a non-stop dialogue on how black men are the scourge of the earth and how they don’t care about black women, etc. I don’t like it when black men justify their dating white (or other women) by disparaging black women and I can’t stand it when black women do the same to black men. So here’s my take on interracial relationships without all of the hate black men talk:

1. I’ve talked about interracial dating several times on this blog. The one point I’ve made before and will continue to make is dating is a numbers game. You increase your chances of finding “the one” by dating as many people as you can. If you’re a black woman living and working in a predominantly white environment you’re a damn fool not to be dating white men. I’ve read stories where black women admit to only meeting 2 or 3 eligible black men a year yet they keep saying, “only a black man for me.” I say okay, but don’t be surprised if you end up alone and lonely.

2. Familial and Societal pressure are big issues on both sides of the coin. In my own experience with interracial dating family was an issue. Not mine. His. When I was a teenager the (absolutely gorgeous) white boy I was dating sent him to his youth pastor to explain to him that dating “other” women was Solomon’s downfall. No lie. I couldn’t make this ish up. In my more adult years I’d find out months, years later that said white guy was interested in me but didn’t really no what to do about that. For many white men (and black women) dating is one thing, marriage is another.

Also, From a friend family perspective the pressure can be unbearable. No, I’m not saying it’s a white thing…black parents/friends can be the same way. But if we were to be honest about this topic then we’d acknowledge that women of ALL races are pressured to marry the men from their group. That’s not black women being “indoctrinated” it’s the patriarchy doing what the patriarchy does best: regulating the sexual behavior of its women. And upper class white men have pressures related to their social standing and possible inheritance that come into play when it comes to marrying black women. There are several high profile WM/BW marriages where the men admit that their families were solidly against the union and the threats of being disowned were seriously bantered about. Similar pressure can be found in the middle classes as well, on both sides. There’s no since in discounting the pervasiveness of this issue.

3. This is very much a class issue. Like most discussions surrounding social issues in the black community, interracial dating is a class issue. There are women of a certain class who are in a better position to meet and marry white men than others. Most black women live in and socialize in all black or majority black environments. The men they meet are primarily going to be from the same class and social background they are from. There’s just not a lot of interaction going on between black women and white men on a daily basis for many of the lower and middle classes. You can’t date someone you don’t meet.

4. This is very much a cultural issue. No black people don’t have the same culture. Nor do white people. But there are some dating norms that tend to be common among groups based on class, culture and social standing. For example black men (in general) tend to be much more aggressive than their white counterparts. From my experience if a black man wants to talk to you, you will know. He will ask for your name and number anytime, anyplace under any circumstances, even if it means he has to park his car and attempt to catch up with you on the sidewalk.

My experience with white men has been completely different. I’ve learned that if a white guy is chatting me up, there’s a good chance I’m being hit on. Usually it start with a “hello,” that leads into a conversation, then after ten to fifteen minutes (assuming I’ve shown interest) he will say, “Would you like to get a drink sometime,” or will hand me his business card and tell me to call him or both. However if you give the guy attitude because he said hello or you weren’t open or particularly friendly to his attempts to strike up a conversation, there’s a good chance he will assume you’re not interested in him. And rightfully so. With (many) black men you can throw a little attitude their way and they’ll take it as a challenge. “Why are you being so mean?” is something I’ve heard on more than one occasion with a guy who saw my standoffish-ness as an obstacle to overcome and not as a sign that I’m not interested.

5. Attractiveness is a real issue. Yes there are plenty of white men who find black women attractive and vice versa. But due to beauty standards perpetuated by each group there are plenty who don’t find the other attractive. I for one don’t really find white men attractive. There are exceptions to this rule, but for the most part I just don’t regularly see white men and think, “Hey I want to talk to him.” The white men or white skinned men I find attractive tend to be dark (Italians, Greeks, Jews, Persians) and not of the Anglican variety. There are a host of other issues that affect attractiveness such as the negative value placed on African features here in the states; the hyper-masculine African-American culture that can perceive less aggressive men as being effete; the very different standards of beauty for black and white women. I’m making generalizations here, but you get the point. To believe the issues surrounding the lack of WM/BW couples are so well…black and white…is absurd at least and completely ignorant at best.

In the end the focus needs to be on dating QUALITY men. The race/ethnicity of the man is irrelevant. That’s a personal choice and best left to the individual. And for the record BW/WM interracial relationships are nothing new. There are plenty of high profile examples of such unions and their offspring. So if you’re dating white men ’cause you think black men ain’t shit and are, “damaged beyond repair,” then perhaps you need to fix whatever unresolved man issues you have before you date any man black, white or otherwise.

Looking for a Husband? Date Marraige Minded Men

Sex & Relationships 1 Response »

Jul 202009

In Tell him to “Put a Ring On It” I briefly mentioned the need to date marriage minded men if marriage is your goal.

This should be a no brainer when you’ve decided that you want more than a casual relationship, but for too many of us it’s not. Somehow we meet a guy, think he’s great and decide to ignore the fact that he said, “Well, I’m not looking for anything serious right now.”

Then we act all surprised when not only won’t he “put a ring on it,” he won’t “put a title on it,” either.

It’s time we stop with the insanity. Brandon St. Randy had a post up talking about the Indian way of marriage, where arranged marriages are still the norm and the more “progressive” dating process involves folk dating a few months before they walk down the aisle (or around the fire).

While I’m not sure full on arranged marriages are the way to go, I do believe there is a happy medium between arranged marriages and the western style of dating that will have you dating someone for years and still not sure if they’re the one for you.

The only point of dating is to find your future spouse. Not to end up in a perpetual pseudo marriage, only to have it end in heartbreak and pain when it doesn’t work out and then to start all over again. Honestly, if you’re a woman over 25 who wants to be married and have kids, then you should be dating with a purpose and not wasting your time on anyone who isn’t on the same page you’re on.

You have to be mercenary when dating, eliminating men on the first date who don’t meet your standards, share your values or goals.

Throw the “normal” dating rule out of the window.

Ask all of the “rude” first date questions on a first date.

If he isn’t giving the answers you’re looking for, then keep it moving. You don’t have time to waste on a guy who doesn’t want the same things you want. I guarantee when you give your daatng a purpose you will feel so liberated. You will alleviate the stress associated with dating, guessing whether a man is into you or not, and waiting for him to decide your future for you.

And that’s an important point. Too often we let men determine the pace and future of our relationship lives. We wait for him to choose us as a potential date, girlfriend, wife. This can lead to disastrous results as some women spend years, decades even with men who have no intentions of proposing, even though they desperately want to be wife.

If you take control of your dating life by only dating marriage minded men then you eliminate all of this waiting around, hoping and praying for him to chose you. You all will choose each other and the relationship will be that much stronger for it.

Next Up: Brown Sugar’s Mercenary Dating Guide

5 Reasons Not to Sleep With Him...Yet

Uncategorized 1 Response »

May 112009

While sometimes our hormones can get the better of our common sense, it’s always best to try and keep a cool head when the object of our desire is readily available. While waiting may not always be what you want to do, here are 5 reasons why you shouldn’t sleep with him…yet.

1. You’re Drunk – A lot of things (and people) look better with a little alcohol in your system. And let’s be real, drunk sex can be great, but there’s a difference between being pleasantly tipsy and sloppy drunk. Too much alcohol also lowers the inhibitions so you may do things you wouldn’t normally do, like having sex without a condom which could leave you open to pregnancy and STD’s.

2. Morning After Regret – Casual sex isn’t for everybody. What seemed like a great idea the night before can look like a waking nightmare the next morning. You don’t want to have regrets about someone you’ve just had sex with, so maybe it’s just better to take your time and make sure he’s who you want to be naked with and that it is more than just a casual lay.

3. You’re the Rebound Girl – Yes you’re really into dude, but he’s just gotten out of a relationship. Sorry to say it, but you may be the rebound girl. Sure he seems really into you now, but give it a few months when he realizes what he really needs is some time to himself. If he’s just let one woman go (or was dumped himself) it’s best to just wait awhile and make sure he’s over the other woman before ya’ll hop in the sack…Don’t Stop Now

Interracial Dating: Racial Stereotypes Hurting Black Women

Sex & Relationships 5 Responses »

Apr 292009

While attitudes have softened toward interracial dating and most people don’t view them as abhorrent any longer, their are still plenty of biases in place when it comes to the mixing of the races – black and white in particular:

By analyzing Yahoo personals, researchers found that white men prefer Asian and Latino women to African American women as dating partners, and white women favor African American and Latino men over Asian men.

Asians, African Americans and Latinos were more likely to include white people as possible dates than white people were to include them – suggesting that white people, as the dominant racial group in the U.S., hold the power when it comes to interracial dating.

“Stereotypical images of masculinity and femininity shape dating choices and continue to be perpetuated in the mass media,” said Feliciano, UCI assistant professor of sociology and Chicano/Latino studies. “The hyper-feminine image of Asian American women contrasts greatly with the image of Asian men, who are often portrayed as asexual.”

In comparison, the image of the strong African American woman is at odds with idealized notions of submissive and frail women. This may explain why African American women faced high levels of rejection among men, researchers said.

“Cultural portrayals of African American women in the media continue to stress traits seen as negative, such as bossiness,” Feliciano said.

I’m not surprised by any of the findings of the study. In my online dating experience I’ve found that when I don’t place my race on an ad (say Craigslist) I get a lot of hits, but the moment they find out I’m black they don’t e-mail me back. Even on eHarmony the only serious inquiry I received from a white guy was one who lived in Atlanta and dated more black women than white.

Other experiences of black women I’ve known who’ve done the online dating thing have had the same issues. While attitudes overall may have changed, it is something of a “that’s good for other folks, but not for me,” type of attitude. And with a lot of younger men their families tend to be vehemently opposed to such a union that they succumb to familial pressure regardless of how they may feel for the woman.

Now with that said, I still strongly believe black women have to date the men that are available to them and for many sisters that will mean non-black men of color and white men. BUT…I think the women who will be most successful in interracial/cultural pairings will be those who are culturally aware, are probably more mainstream in their appearance and yes…in shape.

It’s not hopeless by any means, but black women need to be aware and ready for all the issues that come with dating interracially so we can find the love, happiness and relationships that we all deserve.

Time to Get on the Online Dating Band Wagon

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Apr 112009

Dating in my hometown sucks. There is no other way to put it. My homegirl and writing buddy is always saying “hop on the online dating bandwagon.” Now mind you have done the online dating hitting in the past with eHarmony. I never had much success with them however. Never actually made it to any offline dates and most of the men they paired me with I didn’t find attractive in the least.

So while I’m debating my next venture into the online dating world, I’m trying to find the dating service that will be best for me, my tastes, and my somewhat quirky personality. Not to mention one that’s not going to break the bank account. We are in a recession after all. This is where Online Dating Services comes in. They keep track of all the various dating services online, letting you know what all they offer, and what it takes to join each service (do they require a test or not).

Also Online Dating Tips covers the do’s and don’ts of online dating, show’s you what makes a good profile, and when and how to have that first offline date. Whatever you think you might want to know about online dating and how it works Online Dating Tips will have the answer for you.

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Battered Women: Domestic Violence and African American Women

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Apr 022009

Domestic violence against women has gotten more attention since the Chris Brown and Rihanna debacle, however it is still an issue that doesn’t get the attention it deserves particularly in the African American community:

According to a study conducted by the U.S. Department of Justice in 2000, African American women experience domestic violence at a rate 35 percent higher than white women and 22 percent higher than women of other races. African Americans are more likely to suffer more lethal forms of violence, including being more likely to be killed by an intimate partner, compared to other populations. Domestic violence is a serious problem in the African American community that warrants grave attention.

Also as the economy worsens domestic violence against women is more likely to increase and anecdotal evidence suggests it is on the rise:

As our economy has gotten worse over the past few months, many women’s shelters have seen an increase in the number of women and their children trying to escape an abusive situation. Does this indicate that economics plays a role here? Are middle-class and upper-middle-class men less likely to abuse their partner and families?

Economics definitely play a role with regard to domestic violence. We have already seen the number of domestic violence incidents increase in the past year since our current economic downfall began reaching greater proportions of the U.S. population. We also recognize that domestic violence takes place across all socioeconomic groups.

Until we address much of the misogyny that is dominant in certain aspects of the African American community as well as finding a way to give poor women a sense of agency, black women will still be at risk of being battered and killed by their partners much more than other groups of women.

Hat Tip The Bay State Banner