When Does Infidelity Cross the Line From Forgivable Indiscretion to I'm Leaving Now?

Marriage & Family, Sex & Relationships No Responses »
Dec 112009


tiger and elinNow I know for some of you this question seems silly. For you all Infidelity is never a “forgivable indiscretion.” It is always a time for handing out walking papers.

However for many couples cheating isn’t the end all be all of the relationship. Many people try to stay and work it out. For many people the nature and duration of the infidelity factor into whether they will stay or leave as does the nature and duration of one’s relationship. Mortgages, kids family and finances also all play a role in whether many people will stay or go.

In the case of Tiger and Elin Woods, it seems she may have been willing to stay when it was 2 or three mistresses (home in Sweden notwithstanding), but when the number reached 10 (now 13 and counting) whatever counseling sessions they were having seemed moot at that point. Who wants to forgive a man who was having multiple overlapping affairs without condoms, in church parking lots and while you were pregnant?

Hell, when the mistress count was 2 or 3 I was all on the “Get the money, girl” train. It made perfect sense for Elin to renegotiate her pre-nup and take that 5 million dollar lump sum. Why leave all of that money on the table when your husband embarrassed you in such a public way and betrayed your marriage with so many women. It made since to stay and hit him where it hurts.

But when the count begin to increase and all the other tidbits came out regarding Tiger’s sexual proclivities, add in the porn stars and there was no amount money that could buy back the level of embarrassment, health risks, and sheer disrespect Tiger heaped on his wife and family. We obviously don’t know what she’s going to do, but I have definitely retired my “Get that money girl,” stance. My attitude now is that she should get out and get out fast.

At some point your self respect is worth more than any dollars that may fall your way and if Elin stayed now she’d look like a complete an utter fool. Three means get revenge, then bounce. Ten means leave as soon and as quickly as possible. But most of us aren’t married to multi-millionaires where we stand to make out quite nicely in the even to of a divorse.

So the question is: When is enough enough?

When does cheating go from forgivable indiscretion to hit the road jack?

What is your breaking point?

Posted by Brown Sugar at 1:04 am Tagged with: , , , ,

The Mistress Speaks: He Wanted His Cake and to Eat it Too

Uncategorized 4 Responses »
Feb 052009


african-american-women1
Here is the next installment of the series on The Mistress Speaks. The following is a story that was sent to me, unchanged, except for removing any identifying information. Enjoy

So I read ur blog…really love it….wanted 2 tell my side. I was talking to a him for 4 yrs…I didn’t want anything from him other than time, a good screw and some bill money every once in a while. We started as friends back in college…after we graduated I moved to NY he stayed in Atlanta…we met up 5 years ago due to his mom passing with all the emotion we ended up having sex….its been on going until about one and a half yrs ago when I found out he got a girl pregnant….so he tells me she was a one night stand blah blah come to find out she is his wife! Of 6 yrs!!!!!! And this is his second child!

We didn’t talk for two months after I damn near killed him. But I found out I was pregnant told him, but later I lost my child and he was there with me every step of the way but then I began to feel guilty so I tried to push him away so he wouldn’t want to be bothered….which turned him on even more…..I ran into his wife about a 6mo ago…she knew who I was he had pictures of me in his office….I didn’t know that…..she explained she’s not mad but wants to know what I have that she doesn’t, I explained that’s between her and him I am not sure. I did apologize to her because even after I found out she was his wife I still talked to him….I told her our history together from college and I was honest to her.

We both confronted him fourth of July ….he invited me to his family cook out…..so I invited her!…….he told his wife he loved me from way back in school but couldn’t control me like he did her, she was good mother and wife material but I had the fire the ambition and the lust that she lacked….I would do things she wouldn’t and I would never hide my feelings……he explained how he wanted kids with me be knew I didn’t want any so he got everything he wanted but from two women..

He would throw me in her face if she did not want to have sex, little did she know I wasn’t having sex with him after I lost our child….I explained all of that to her I explained my position…I didn’t want anything but company I saw him as a friend with benefits basically nothing more no feelings no nothing…..long story short….he is divorcing….loosing his house…..and I haven’t spoke to him since….

Greed can kill you….and I think he learned from his mistake.

Posted by Brown Sugar at 6:38 pm Tagged with: , , , , , ,

The Mistress Speaks: When the Main Woman Becomes the Other Woman

Uncategorized 10 Responses »
Feb 022009


african-american-women1
Here is the next installment of the series on The Mistress Speaks. The following is a story that was sent to me, unchanged, except for removing any identifying information. Enjoy

I meet him through the personal ads. We dated over a year and a half before we got married. Our wedding was a simple civil deal with my Mother and sister present. I thought we were happy until 2004. My world officially came to an end. He was sneaking around with a chick he found on the Internet. He asked for a separation and I obliged. Got my stuff and left without a fight. I knew of her before when I found an elusive email on the computer. Not to mention: his personal on-line dating profile that profess that he was single. He broke my heart but I did a little snooping before I officially left. I found out that he had a receipt for a house that had her name on it. I memorized the address; and kept on stepping.

He said that he needed to think, we could still date, and that she was just a friend. I called the 411 to get the number to the house, when his mother let it be known that she meet the “new girl”. I confronted him about it and he had nothing to say. After months of silence, he came back to me in October 2004 professing that he messed up and that he wanted to work on our marriage. After three years of lying to myself that he was changing, I found out that he was still dealing with the other chick. We divorced last July 2007. He remarried in October 2007,and I was devastated.

The first of the year, I started getting phone calls from him to check on how I was doing. We still had some loose strings that we had to clear up. He keep saying that he missed me, wanted to see, and to touch me. I held out for as long as I could. I didn’t have any prospects because I still was in love with him and was trying to heal. I finally agreed to see him, and it has been on ever since. He doesn’t acknowledge that he is married. His wife ( my nemesis) caught a text that I sent about “rocking his mic”. I lied to her saying that it was just a joke and he probably diffuse that shit. Why do I mess around with him? Cause I can, I still have feelings for him, and to get back at chick who thinks she is above me. My eyes have been open to his ways. He is her problem, not mine!

Posted by Brown Sugar at 6:40 pm Tagged with: , , ,

The Mistress Speaks: What's Good for the Goose is Good for the Gander

Uncategorized 1 Response »
Jan 292009


african-american-women1
Here is the next installment of the series The Mistress Speaks. The following is a story that was sent to me, unchanged, except for removing any identifying information. Enjoy

Any woman who has an affair with a married man with the intent of marrying him herself is a total ass, and deluded.

I have had several affairs with married men. Why? Because I wanted physical and intellectual interaction with no commitment, no expectations, and no responsibilities. I had a good job, income, social life and I did NOT want a man messing up my life. The only thing I took from these men was some time – nothing else. Indeed, if we did go out to dinner I usually paid – not that they couldn’t afford to but their money was for their family.

I never wanted to marry and dating single men brought complications I wanted no part of. Besides these married men were friends before they were lovers, it was comfortable, convenient, satisfying on every level and best of all, hassle and commitment free.

Posted by Brown Sugar at 11:07 am Tagged with: , , , ,

The Mistress Speaks: Always the Adulteress Never the Wife

Uncategorized 3 Responses »
Jan 272009


african-american-women
So, remember a few months back when I made a request for women to tell their stories of being mistresses, jump offs and other women? Well, after a computer meltdown and a site redesign I can finally get the series up and going. The following is a story that was sent to me, unchanged, except for removing any identifying information. Enjoy.

Always the Adulteress, Never the Wife

I work overseas and have done so for the last 5 years. For 3 years I lived (cohabitated) with a married man. He told me I was the love of his life. We met at a camp (contractors overseas in Iraq) and ideally it was me that went after him. I wanted a no frills, friends with benefits type of thing. He chose differently. Before I knew it, he moved in my room with me.

During those 3 years, we took 2 vacations together but most of the time we went back to our families when we had time. He told me, and I believe him that he was completely himself with me. That he didn’t have to hide himself from his wife. What was he hiding? He had a temper from hell, and instead of being afraid of him I chose to stand in front of him and argue with him.

He was loud, but he wasn’t abusive. There’s more… but its a long drawn out story. The main thing is I know what I did with him was wrong. But it didn’t stop me. He wasn’t the first, he hasn’t been the last.

I’m still unmarried.

Right now, I’m conflicted with choosing to spend a vacation with my married lover who has a sick wife and no children…he wants kids but she can’t have them… or spending it with my boyfriend that is single and desires no more kids.

My married lover, due our jobs being apart on different camps I don’t see him like I used to. I would’ve never hooked up with my current boyfriend if married lover was still around. Both men have told me they love me. I don’t doubt the love. The worst part thinking about how wrong I am of thinking about having a kid with married lover (he’s 47… his wfie is 58, I’m 34) is the fact that I think he’ll leave his wife for me. I’m kind of glad he’s away from me.

With the boyfriend, he says I talk in my sleep and he asked me about a name I called in my sleep. It was my married lover’s name. He asked me if he was the love of my life. I can’t say he is… the older I get, I wonder did I ever really have a great love that loved me back and I loved him where I think about him constantly? I can’t say I do.

The age I am now, I don’t know if I’ll ever be married or have another child (I had my son who’s 11 out of wedlock…) despite the desires I feel or the wishes I make. I feel jaded in thinking that my path is to be alone. I’m ok with that most of the time.

I never wished to mess with married men. Why do I do it? I think its the fact to me, less risk of rejection? They’re already someone else’s man that I don’t have to take the whole package.

I do know it’s not a win/win situation. It is what it is… adultry, sex outside of marriage and I live in sin continuously.

Posted by Brown Sugar at 9:34 pm Tagged with: , , ,

Can You Make Someone Cheat? Yes, You Can

Uncategorized 4 Responses »
Dec 162008


42-17425580This is going to piss a lot of people off but, contrary to popular belief, you can make someone cheat.

Yes. You read that right.

From a woman’s perspective there are three things that I think women do that can lead their man to stray:

1. The Bait and Switch
2. Punishing/Witholding Sex
3. Gaining ( a significant amount of) weight

The Bait and Switch
There is a rule that newlywed couples should live by – don’t do anything in the first six months that you don’t plan on doing for the rest of the marriage. This is true not only for newly married couples but for dating couples as well. We want so hard to impress our men and be the perfect girlfriend or wife that we can out right lie about who we are and what role we’re willing to play in a relationship.

These lies can take place in many forms. If you’re not super chef in the kitchen, don’t front like you are, pulling the old Fake and Bake, making a man believe you’re B. Smith when you know can’t boil water. If you were super fly chick when you met, don’t expect that it’s all of a sudden okay to turn into “sweats and t-shirts,” chic, if he likes high maintenance women, he will find him one when your true colors start to show.

And if you were a super freak in the bedroom don’t think now that you have him…it’s okay to turn into a nun or to dial down the freakiness. All of these things (as well as a host of others) equate to a breach of contract. You’re not the person you sold yourself to be and the new person may not be what your significant other wants. This scenario could clearly lead to someone looking for what they want elsewhere…even if at this point they are very much in love with you.

Punishing With/Withholding Sex
Bargaining with sex is ALWAYS a bad idea. Sorry. There is NEVER a good reason to use sex for any more than what it is meant for: a physical expression of the love/feelings you have for the person you’re with. I don’t know what you think you’re accomplishing by not sleeping with him. I can tell you what you are accomplishing however — sending him into the arms of someone else.

I don’t know about anyone else, but my attitude is — if he’s not sleeping with me then he’s sleeping with someone else, so that’s not a game I play and not one I want to be played on me. Regularly sexing your man is no guarantee that your man won’t dip out, but not giving him any is a pretty good way to send him looking for some elsewhere. And let’s be clear whether or not he loves you will have little do with whether he dips out or not if he’s being deprived at home.

Gaining (a significant amount of) Weight
Okay, if I haven’t pissed you off by now, I definitely will with this one. If you married your husband and you were 135 pounds, putting on 80 pounds (barring a medical condition) is a surefire ware to send your man out the door seeking sexual satisfaction somewhere else.

So often I’ve heard people say, “But I’m the same person,” when it comes to their weight gain and their inability to understand why their SO/husband may no longer be attracted to them. I”m sorry but that doesn’t fly with me. You ARE NOT the same person. The person he wed was fit and healthy and active and could probably do things with her legs that would make a pretzel jealous. The person you are with the extra weight is probably none of those things and that canput a heavy strain on the marriage/relationship.

Gaining a significant amount of weight can be a deal breaker. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you anymore (but it might), it does mean however he may not find you sexually attractive anymore. And no, love and sex are not synonymous. By not taking care of yourself, you are putting your relationship or marriage in jeopardy. We like to pretend like sex isn’t a big part of a relationship but the 1 and 2 reasons for divorce are money and sex. So chew on that as you munch on the butter pecan ice cream.

But the weight gain isn’t just about the sex. It’s about a lifestyle you may have had with your boyfriend or about a set of beliefs you all held on life and health or simply it could be just about being physically attracted to the person you’re with. We need to stop pretending like these things don’t matter. They do. Love does not conquer all. And just because someone is committed to you, doesn’t mean they won’t find what they are lacking at home in another’s arms.

When there are major (and preventable) changes in a person’s relationship, the doors to infidelity are opened and it is oh so easy to walk through.

Posted by Brown Sugar at 7:23 am Tagged with: , , ,

Are Women Hardwired to Cheat?

Uncategorized 6 Responses »
Aug 152008


Couple and hugging on bed in bedroom, in passionSo often when the discussion is had about who is hardwired to cheat, the consensus is always men are cheaters by nature and women are more monogamous by nature. That we just aren’t wired to cheat in the way men are.

These conversations always ’cause me to shake my head because it confuses basic biology with socialization. Women are socialized not to cheat. Historically women have payed a extremely high price for infidelity. Not so much men (generally speaking).

The main reason for the difference in attitudes toward promiscuous/adulterous behavior among the sexes is the issue of paternity. In patriarchal societies a father’s paternity is always in question, unless you can guarantee that your woman is only sexing you.

In matrilineal lines this obsession on paternity isn’t an issue because succession is determined by the mother (which actually makes more sense) and there is no doubt that it is her child, hence the old saying, “Mama’s baby, Daddy’s maybe.”

But…But…women need seek out a provider to help her care for her kids. True. But she also needs to seek out the best genes possible for her kids as well. And in many higher primate societies a females promiscuity ensures that her child lives:

In some primates, the promiscuous female mates obsessively with just about every male she comes across. She is, in other words, polyandrous. This promiscuous behavior serves a vital function in primate social life — it ensures, for the female, that the paternity of her inevitable children can never be accurately determined, and all the males of the troop are equally likely to share food with her (and not kill her children).

And before anyone argues that that’s just in primates…the number one cause of death for children 3 and under is being killed by men who aren’t their father. It is pretty understood that (many) men don’t deal well with other people’s children, particularly male children. And recently with the advent of the “at home DNA test” it’s been discovered that as many as 10% of males are caring for children who aren’t theirs, throwing that women are the more faithful sex out the window.

Women have a lot of social pressures to be monogamous and not promiscuous. Women get a lot of screwy messages regarding sex growing up. From good girls keep their legs closed (’till they find the one) to only bad girls perform certain sexual acts.

Our desire for sex is often shrouded in shame. We regularly police each others sexual behavior, ready to unleash the “ho” label at the least sign of any transgression of established sexual mores. On the other hand, our male counterparts are told to “sow their wild oats,” and “not to settle down to fast.” Men’s sexuality is rarely shamed, unless it falls outside of sexual norms (i.e. homo/bi-sexuality) and in many cases is unashamedly encouraged.

In this environment who is surprised that women are the more monogamous sex? As many (but not all) of the traditional restrictions against female sexual behavior fall away, what you get is women who are as sexually promiscuous as their male counterparts.

Women don’t stand to lose it all (marriage, family, standing in the community) for their adulterous/promiscuous behavior. Often this “behavior” is labeled as “trying to be like a man” by those who believe women just aren’t as sexual as men.

While either sex can choose to be faithful and non-promiscuous, both sexes are hardwired to do otherwise, strictly from a biological perspective. And the sooner that fact is accepted perhaps women can get away from the very restrictive sexual ideals many of us have been raised under and lead more honest, fulfilling sex lives that aren’t shrouded in confusion and shame.

Posted by Brown Sugar at 3:55 am Tagged with: , , , ,
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