Wearing a Man Down is NOT a Marriage Strategy

Do You Have A Viable Marriage Strategy?

On Knowing When to Move On, a commenter posted the following:

And not for nothing, a lot of women can wear a man down or be the last option standing after a 10yr wait! It happens all the time… By then he has pressure from everyone to “do the right thing” so he usually does. That’s not the best way to make it to the alter. Although I have seen it A LOT, and everyone lies to themselves about the situation! That is until the sad little marriage falls apart. Then everyone remembers that it took the couple 10 yrs to agree that they wanted to get married!(and fyi: these marriages usually look real good at first!)

Wearing a man down not a marriage strategy. I know so many women who believe if they just stick around long enough then they will be rewarded for their stupidity loyalty with a gold ring. I know a woman who waited EIGHT years for her man to propose. He did. Add while they have been married for awhile they are having problems. Namely, he wants more kids (they have one) and she does not. Something you think they would have figured out in eight years of dating.

We can look to celebrity couples for this sort of thing as well, with mixed results. You have Diddy and Kim who, after 3 kids, 13 years and 1 J-Lo still could not convince Combs to marry her. And then there is Tiny and T.I. who, after 2 kids, 1 miscarriage, and a possible 10 year prison sentence finally got around to asking his long term girlfriend to marry him. The jury is still out on whether they actually make it down the aisle.

And our entertainment gives us such nonsense as well. Sex in the City perpetuated this foolishness by having Big FINALLY (sort of) propose to Carrie after 10 years of off and on dating and adultery–leading women to believe that they too can get their Mr. Big if they just wait long enough. Sigh. The lesson one should take from Sex in the City should be screw a Mr. Big…marry Aidan.

I don’t get this. I don’t get this laser focus on one man that will cause someone to give up years, decades even, of their life in hopes that this man will propose, with no guarantee that that is how things are going to work out (think Kim and Diddy). As I often ask on this blog, why are women so willing to give u their power? Contrary to all of the talk, getting married isn’t that difficult. And the one easiest way to see that it happens, is to follow this very simple advice: If you’re with a man who doesn’t want to get married, when you’re looking to get married, for whatever reason, then drop him and find you someone who is.

Simple.

Relationships are about compatibility and if you’re seeking marriage and he is not then you all are not compatible. Hoping, praying, begging, pleading, waiting is not going to make him marry you. And even if he does…what kind of marriage will it be? I don’t know about anyone else, but I want a man who wants to marry me, not one I had to drag, kicking and screaming, to the alter.

How Soon is too Soon for Sex?

How Soon Is Too Soon For Sex In A Relationship

This is a question that women constantly agonize over. In a world that’s still quick to label a woman who falls out of accepted sexual norms, many women are still wary of “getting their numbers up.”

Well, my short answer to this question is whatever seems right for you. Having sex with someone is an intensely personal decision. You need to feel comfortable with your decision and only do what seems like the right decision for you.

Now with that said I’ll tell you the rules I live my life by:

1. When a girl just wants to have fun

There really isn’t a right time or wrong time in this scenario. If I like you and you like me and we’re on the same page–then all systems go. Suit up and enjoy the ride so to speak.

2. Looking for a relationship

I’ve got a pretty solid (at least)

I’ve got a pretty solid (at least) two-month rule. Usually, at the two-month mark you have at least 3 or 4 dates under your belt and you have a pretty good idea of who the person is. You know whether you all have enough in common to make a relationship work, whether there is something that should keep you from dating him or hell just whether you even like the guy as much as you thought.

Rarely has my two-month rule failed me. And unfortunately for a lot of men have aided in my decision to keep my panties on. The other thing is, no matter how great the relationship is, there is no sex unless we end up together.

Otherwise, you end up in what I like to call a pseudo-relationship, ya’ll together in everything but name only, yet dude is giving you fifty-elven excuses about why ya’ll are not “official.” Oh, but he reserves the right to be mad if he finds out you’re seeing someone else.

No thank you. I’ll pass.

In the end. How you decided to navigate the sexual waters is up to you, but make sure it’s you do so in a way that works for you and your needs, wants and desires and not because you feel pressured into doing something to make someone else feel good.

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Stop Playing Wife If Your Man’s Not Playing Husband

Stop Playing Wife When You’re Just A Girlfriend

To all the desperate women out there: Stop it. You’re making it hard for the rest of us. I’m tired of encountering men who seem to believe all they have to do is look good, have a degree and smile to have my panties fall off.

I’m tired of the men who’s first question seems to be: Can you to cook? To which I reply: Yes. I can. But I won’t be doing it for you.

I’m tired of the men who call at all times of night, asking to come over and “chill” as I let them know that it’s too late to be at my crib and what ever “chilling” they want to do can be done between the hours of 9 and 10.

Or how about the men who don’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of but seem to think it’s their right in life to have a “dime.” And that my extra fly ass should be grateful that they even said hello to me and can’t possibly understand why I’m not leaping up and down at the prospect of being with them.

And please, don’t get me started on all of the men who tell me that I want them as much as they want me. Right. So all those texts and phone calls I didn’t return didn’t send the message that I wasn’t interested , huh?

The reason why so many men today think that they have to do so little to attract quality chicks, is because they don’t. Too many women out here will do whatever it takes to find, get and keep a man, turning the whole natural order of the dating world on its head. Women are doing the chasing and men are doing the choosing. And apparently I’m the only one who seems to think something is wrong with that.

I’m old school. I may only be 28, but I was raised to believe that it’s a man’s job to court me. He does the chasing. I do the choosing. Simple. And effective. But now, because of the very real demographic differences among a certain section of the Black community, women are doing whatever it takes to get a man. And I do mean whatever.

If that means cooking, cleaning, sexing, cow towing, begging, pleading, giving money to, letting live with, catching a case for (no lie) or just being a 21st century rendition of a Geisha with none of the perks who completely takes Destiny’s Child “Cater to You” to heart with little to no reciprocation, then so be it. If that’s what it takes to get and keep a man, then that is what too many women are willing do.

I’m sorry, but I just can’t get down like that. As I have had to tell one too many men: I am not your wife. And even if I was, I wouldn’t be bending over backward to cater to you. If you want 150% from me, then you better be giving me 150% in return. But don’t expect to operate on 10% and expect me to give you 150. If you’re operating on 10%, I’m operating on 20 and that’s just because I’m nice–sometimes.

To put simply: I give as good as I get. You wanna wife, you need to put a ring on my finger. I don’t play wife, unless you’re playing husband. A sentiment I wish more young women would take to heart.

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Sisters, Stop Waiting on God to Bring You a Man

God Is Not Going Bring You A Man

Sisters, stop waiting on God to bring you a man.

As a matter of fact, if I hear this particular meme out of the mouths of otherwise intelligent and accomplished women, one more time, I think I’m going to scream. The complete insanity of this statement and how it misrepresents God’s role in our lives never ceases to amaze me.

Let me ask you this: Would you wait for God to pay the rent? Finance your education? Fix your car? Better yet would you say, “Oh, Im just going to wait on God to finish this degree. I know when he is ready for me to have it, he’ll let me know. I can’t rush these things.”

No? Sounds ridiculous right. Well if you’re one of those women who are constantly talking about how you’re waiting for God to being you your H.I.M. and you won’t rush that, or won’t questions God’s pace as you sit and languish in dating no man’s land, you sound just as ridiculous as my hypothetical situation above.

Look. Ultimately God helps those who help themselves. I know that’s in the bible somewhere. I’ve heard it quoted often enough. So if you want to find your special someone than you have to actively help God out to make that happen. God’s role isn’t to find your man for you and drop him off at your front door, but to help you make a decision between the three men you’ve narrowed it down to and make sure that you choose the best guy for you and not just the one that makes your lady parts the hottest (even though hopefully they will be one in the same).

I recognize there is a very powerful Christian lobby out there that is conspiring to keep Black women single, in the church and hoping for a man. Well I’m here to tell you that that is not how it works. Just as many of you have worked hard to earn degrees, move up the corporate ladder and have otherwise successful lives–you’re going to have to use those same skills to find your future husband.

Yes, I would love it if God dropped off a 6’3 250lb Idris Elba look-a-like with a PhD and a tenure track job at a major university who is an accomplished writer and could set the sheets on fire at my front door, but I know it doesn’t work that way. And you should too.