Sisters, Stop Waiting on God to Bring You a Man

God Is Not Going Bring You A Man

Sisters, stop waiting on God to bring you a man.

As a matter of fact, if I hear this particular meme out of the mouths of otherwise intelligent and accomplished women, one more time, I think I’m going to scream. The complete insanity of this statement and how it misrepresents God’s role in our lives never ceases to amaze me.

Let me ask you this: Would you wait for God to pay the rent? Finance your education? Fix your car? Better yet would you say, “Oh, Im just going to wait on God to finish this degree. I know when he is ready for me to have it, he’ll let me know. I can’t rush these things.”

No? Sounds ridiculous right. Well if you’re one of those women who are constantly talking about how you’re waiting for God to being you your H.I.M. and you won’t rush that, or won’t questions God’s pace as you sit and languish in dating no man’s land, you sound just as ridiculous as my hypothetical situation above.

Look. Ultimately God helps those who help themselves. I know that’s in the bible somewhere. I’ve heard it quoted often enough. So if you want to find your special someone than you have to actively help God out to make that happen. God’s role isn’t to find your man for you and drop him off at your front door, but to help you make a decision between the three men you’ve narrowed it down to and make sure that you choose the best guy for you and not just the one that makes your lady parts the hottest (even though hopefully they will be one in the same).

I recognize there is a very powerful Christian lobby out there that is conspiring to keep Black women single, in the church and hoping for a man. Well I’m here to tell you that that is not how it works. Just as many of you have worked hard to earn degrees, move up the corporate ladder and have otherwise successful lives–you’re going to have to use those same skills to find your future husband.

Yes, I would love it if God dropped off a 6’3 250lb Idris Elba look-a-like with a PhD and a tenure track job at a major university who is an accomplished writer and could set the sheets on fire at my front door, but I know it doesn’t work that way. And you should too.

If You Want to Find Love, Get A Life

It’s Time To Get A Life

Get a Life. It never ceases to amaze me how many women sit and complain that they can never meet a man but when you question them further you realize that all they do every day is go home, go to work and go to church.

Newsflash: You’re a grown ass woman. You need to do more then go to work, go home and go to church.

And how the hell do you expect to meet somebody if you’re not out there…well…meeting people. And when I say get a life I don’t mean go to your local nightclub or watering hole, I mean take up some activities. Try dancing, intramural sports or volunteer to sit on a committee that’s planning on putting on a big event (church committees don’t count)...something.

Not only will you enrich your life by getting involved in your community or picking up a new hobby but you will increase your chances of not only meeting someone but meeting someone who shares similar interests as you. How great would that be.

So once again I say….Get a Life. Not only might you find something you can be passionate about you may find someone you can be passionate about. And in the end that’s what it’s all about…wouldn’t you say.

Don’t Interrogate Your Date. It’s a Date Not an Inquisition.

Don’t Interrogate Your Date

Exhibit A: Lindsay’s Date With Oliver on Essence’s 30 Dates in 30 Days

Okay. I can be guilty of this one from time to time but I’ve learned to get the information I need without the guy feeling like he’s at the inquisition. Lindsay BADGERED this guy. LOL. She was in your face, overly aggressive, bordering on rude. She kept interrupting him. She made a lot of snide remarks. It was TOTALLY uncalled for.

Yes, you need to know things about a man. And yes there are many questions you should ask a guy on a first date (more on that later) but there is a certain finesse involved that she totally missed. You should let the conversation flow naturally. Give him a chance to ask you questions. Laugh. Flirt. Be playful. You’re looking for love. Not a story to make the 11 o’clock news.

The Black Man Shortage and What to Do About it

The Missing Black Men

So there’s a shortage of marriageable Black men. Of Black educated, professional men to be exact. This isn’t news. It’s so not news that I’m not going to even bother going into details about the how and the why things are the way they are. As a matter of fact I’m sure, if you’re reading this, then you know all the numbers regarding Black men as well as you know your ABC’s.

So the question isn’t why is there a shortage of marriageable Black men. The question is: What are you going to do about it?

So, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to sit around and whine and cry about the situation or are you going to get out there and find you a man who loves you and wants to marry you? If you choose the former you’re on the wrong blog. If it’s the latter keep reading.

The way I see there are only two ways to address this issue of lack of marriageable Black men:

Date the men who are available to you
Know the difference between what you want and what you need in a man and in a relationship.

The first is simple. If you live in a predominantly Black neighborhood. Work with majority Black people and your social circle is black and you’re saying you want to date interracially, you might have a problem.

The same issue applies in reverse. If you live in a predominantly White neighborhood and you work with majority white people and you’re constantly saying, “Oh no. Only a Brother for me.” Well, my guess is you’ll be spending a lot of lonely nights.

Black women read these next words and take them to heart: IF you want a successful relationship or marriage you HAVE to date the men who are AVAILABLE to you.

By available, I don’t mean any old bum who asks you out. I mean date the men who ask you out who fit what you’re looking for in a man and in a relationship, REGARDLESS of race/ethnicity. Don’t think you’re gonna meet your Black Prince if where you work, shop, live is filled more with Brad Pitts then Denzel Washingtons.

And if you’re a woman who wants to date out and you live in a Black mecca….don’t knock your interracial dreams but date the brothers as well. The reality is unless you plan on moving (and that’s an option) then you need to look at the men you meet every day as potential mates; Black, White or Other.

The second point is important and one that can save a lot of women time and energy invested in bad relationships. Know what you’re looking for in a man and a relationship. And know the difference between what you want and what you need. This is MONUMENTALLY important. Too many times women have this list of things their man MUST have but as they get older the list gets shorter and shorter ’till all that’s required is a pulse and a job (maybe). LOL.

Be honest with yourself about what you NEED. What are the things you can’t live without? Saying you want a man who is 6’1, dark skinned and making six figures is nice but are those attributes you CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT? (If you say yes then I just can’t help you. lol) What does a man have to have for you to be with him and be happy? What would make him the perfect boyfriend? Husband? Does he need to be romantic? Does he need to have a college education? Does he need to be a professional or is blue collar okay? Kids/No kids? And a host of other things you need to ask yourself.

Once you get the list down to your NEEDS then STICK TO IT. Don’t compromise on that list. Know that this is the list any man you’re looking to get serious with needs to live up too. This is something you should do even if you’re not currently looking for a serious relationship because at some point you will be and when you are, the list will be ready.

Don’t sit around and buy into the message that because you’re Black and female you are destined to be alone. Barring some pretty extraordinary circumstance no one has to be alone. So make sure you don’t end up as one of those lonely, Black female statistics.

Volume Dating and Stacking Your Dates

Learn The Art Of Volume Dating

Essence’s 30 Dates in 30 days is an excellent example of volume dating. Volume dating just means dating a lot people often and regularly. Remember, I said you wouldn’t have to kiss a lot of frogs but you would have to date them. Volume dating allows you to meet a lot of people and the more people you meet and date the better your chances of meeting Mr. Right.

So how does this work? Well, you can do it like they do on the Essence’s 30 Dates in 30 days where you have a date every night or you can do what I do and stack your dates.

How do you stack your dates? Well I figure there are only so many days in a week and only so many hours in day. Because I’m a busy person I don’t have a lot of time to date, so having a date every night wouldn’t work for me. Instead, I set up multiple dates on the same day. Here’s how it works:

Take a typical Saturday. I’ll set up an afternoon date. A 7pm date and a 10pm date. The noon date will usually be a first date. The 7pm date can either be a first or second date and the 10pm date is generally reserved for third dates or later, with the occasional second date if we’ve spent a lot of time together and NEVER for a first date.

It works like a charm and there are rarely any problems. What happens if someone wants to extend a date? You tell them you have other plans. If they persist, you tell them you have another date. So where are you going to meet all of these dates? Well if you follow my advice in How to Get a Date, you should be rolling in dates no time soon.

Ultimately, what volume dating and stacking your dates allows you to do is meet people, have fun and seriously increase your chances of finding that special someone. It’s just not for women on Essence’s 30 Dates in 30 Days. You can do it too.

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Knowing When to Move On Part Two

Knowing When To Move On Is Hard

I received a note from one of the Essence’s 30 Dates in 30 Days women, Michelle. Talk about surprised. Who knew people actually read this blog. LOL.

As the fourth 30 Dates woman on the scene, I’m going to have to politely disagree with your assessment JJ. I was in a relationship that lasted 5 years (6 years ago) and it didn’t work out. After that, I instituted a 2-year rule if it doesn’t happen by then, its time to move on. But this is only relevant if marriage is your end goal. I attended the wedding a few years back of a couple that dated for 10 years! TEN YEARS. They now have a baby and are happier than ever. Could it be an anomaly? Perhaps, but it could happen. The point being, there is no one-way to do anything. We all have to find our own way, and make our own mistakes.

First, thanks Michelle for reading and commenting on the blog. Hope you keep coming back. And good luck on those dates! Now I obviously disagree and here’s why:

1. There are exceptions to every rule. But that doesn’t mean that the rule doesn’t apply. Do you want to be the exception or do you want to be married?

2. Everything I wrote applied ONLY to women who are looking to be married. If you’re not looking to be married then what I wrote isn’t for you.

3. The only time the year-and-a-half/two-year rule wouldn’t apply is if you were in school, or military service, Peace Corps, or some other major time-centric commitment.

4. And like I said in the comment section to Michelle, why would you give someone that much power in your life? Men are still the one’s who propose in this society and if he’s not proposing why would you sit around hoping, wishing, praying for him to propose? Why would you not take your life into your own hands, move on and find someone who wants to marry you?

Knowing When to Move On

Knowing When To Move On Is Hard

Okay, so in a previous post I talked about the fallacy of chemistry and why it shouldn’t be used as the sole criteria when deciding on a second date.

Now I’m going to address a really important issue that I think women in general and Black women in particular need to understand, and that’s knowing when to move on from a relationship that isn’t going anywhere. This is something that is SUPER important to understand. Knowing when to move on could mean the difference between being married at 28 or single and broken hearted at 35.

The reason I felt the need to address this issue is because on Essence 30 Dates in 30 Days the first three women who went on dates had all recently ended longterm relationships and two of the women had been in relationships that had lasted for five years. Five years.

Yeah.

Newsflash…and I’m going to put this as clearly and succinctly as possible…if you’ve been dating a man of a year and half and he hasn’t proposed–he ain’t gonna. More importantly, HE DOESN”T WANT TO MARRY YOU.

Did you get that?

If not I’ll say it again: HE DOESN”T WANT TO MARRY YOU.

Now it doesn’t matter what reason he has for NOT proposing. It all adds up to he doesn’t want you. Period. It’s that damn simple.

Spending five years (hell two years) of your life, when you are at a marriageable age, wanting to be married, with a man who has not proposed and most likely hasn’t even MENTIONED marriage is STUPID and counter-productive.

You aren’t getting any younger. Your eggs aren’t getting any younger. If you want to be married and to have kids, then start dating men who want the same thing you want. There are men out there who want to be married and are ready to do so. But you can’t make a man who doesn’t want to get married marry you. You just can’t. So stop trying.

SO, what do you do if you find yourself in a longterm relationship with a man who’s made it clear that he doesn’t want to get married or is always hollering, “Not now, later.”

You leave him.

You tell him why and you bounce. And if he doesn’t come back with an engagement ring, you cut your ties and you find you someone who wants to marry you.

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The Fallacy of Chemistry

Don’t Rely Solely On Chemistry

So I’ve been watching Essence 30 Dates in 30 Days. I won’t comment on Essence continuing to feed into the, “Black women are so desperate and they can’t think of anyting else but how to get a man,” message that seems to be everywhere these days. But I will say the show offers a good case study on dating and what some (many) Black women are doing wrong (and what we’re doing right) when it comes to trying to find Mr. Right.

The first mistake I see being made by the women who’ve completed their dates is s common problem among all women (men too) thanks to Hollywood movies and Western ideals of love: The reliance on Chemistry

On all of the dates women kept talking about Chemistry. How they had Chemistry with this guy or didn’t have it with that guy. And the women were using, “Chemistry” to determine whether a guy was worthy of a second date.

Bad idea.

Trying to determine whether or not you have chemistry with someone after a first date is just silly. Chemistry is not an instant thing. Sometimes it needs room to grow but if you’re quick to dismiss a guy because you didn’t get the warm and fuzzes after your first date you could be missing out.

AND just because you have Chemistry with someone doesn’t mean they are the best fit for you. You have to be able to look past those initial butterflies and really be able to asses the man and see if what he’s offering is truly what you want and need. You can’t base a decision on who to get involved with simply on “He makes me feel all tingly inside.” To do so is to possibly overlook the guy who is truly your perfect match.

4 Reasons You’re Having a Hard Time Getting a Date

Getting A Date Isn’t Rocket Science

I’m really beginning to think that many Black woman are clueless on how to get a date. And I don’t really understand why that is because getting a date is not that difficult. I could
I have a date tonight if I wanted one.

If you are a woman who is wanting to date and you aren’t getting one, my guess is you’re doing 1 of 4 things:

Always with other women
Not going out where the men are
Not going on a date because he’s not “The One”
Not making the most of opportunities

1. Always With Other Women

The first mistake is an easy one to make. When you go out, you go out with your girls. But if you’re ALWAYS out with your girls the likelihood of a man approaching you is slim to none. No one wants to get rejected in front of a table full of women. Now, there are two ways you can fix this:

1. When you’re out with your girls separate yourself from them from time to time. If you’re at a club go to the bathroom by yourself (yes it is possible to do that). If you’re going to a restaurant maybe arrive early and hang out at the bar before the rest of the crew arrives. The point is to give a someone the opportunity to talk to you. Otherwise you’re going to be sitting around all night asking, “Where the men at?”

2. Go out alone. Yes, I know, shock of all shocks, I said go out alone. No, you won’t look desperate and yes you might just meet someone. It’s not rocket science. If you want someone to ask you on a date you have to appear available. Being alone can be a good look if getting someone to ask you out is what you’re looking for.

2. Not Going Out Where The Men Are

The second reason is one many, many women fall into. When I was back home the only places I went was school, home and out with my married girlfriends (yes I was breaking rules 1 and 2). And guess what: I rarely had a date.

So if you’re constantly going to the same places and constantly complaining that they’re no men then it doesn’t take a brain surgeon to realize that maybe, just maybe you need to find some other places to go.

Now before you say, “But JJ I don’t know where to go.” I’d say take a hard look at your area and ask yourself where the men are hanging out that you’d be interested in meeting. Once you have the answer to that question then you’ll know where to go.

3. Not Going On A Date because He’s Not “The One”

The third reason why many Black women are sitting alone on a Saturday night is because you’re turning down men before you even go out with them, simply because they don’t fit your ideal of “The One.”

We’ve all heard the saying ‘You have to kiss many frogs before you find your prince.” Well, I’m saying you may not have to kiss them but you definitely have to date them. Dating is an opportunity to get to know people and yes hopefully, eventually, find that special someone. But if you’re turning down men before you even go out with them, just because they’re not 6’1 or dark skinned, or light skinned, or because they have dreads or don’t have dreads, then how are you ever going to meet the man of your dreams.

From my experience people say they want one thing but their actions say they want another. Many of the reasons you’d initially turn a guy down are superficial. Try saying yes where you’d usually say no and you might be surprised. Dating offers you the chance to really get to know what you want and don’t want in a man and the more you date the better your chances of finding someone you want to be with.

4. Not Making The Most Of Opportunities

The last one, not making the most of your opportunities, is easy to do as well. Are you making the most of your opportunities? Really? You need to ask yourself this question and be honest about the answer. Do you flirt with the cute guy in the post office? The single guy you saw in the grocery store, did you say hi? If you’re a bus rider like me, did you strike up a conversation with the cutie who sat down next to you? You have to make the most of the opportunities that are presented to you. You’re probably meeting available men all of the time. But you’re not taking the time to notice because you’re so caught up in what you’re doing. Start paying attention to your surroundings and you may be surprised at what you find.