When Does Infidelity Cross the Line From Forgivable Indiscretion to I'm Leaving Now?

Marriage & Family, Sex & Relationships No Responses »
Dec 112009


tiger and elinNow I know for some of you this question seems silly. For you all Infidelity is never a “forgivable indiscretion.” It is always a time for handing out walking papers.

However for many couples cheating isn’t the end all be all of the relationship. Many people try to stay and work it out. For many people the nature and duration of the infidelity factor into whether they will stay or leave as does the nature and duration of one’s relationship. Mortgages, kids family and finances also all play a role in whether many people will stay or go.

In the case of Tiger and Elin Woods, it seems she may have been willing to stay when it was 2 or three mistresses (home in Sweden notwithstanding), but when the number reached 10 (now 13 and counting) whatever counseling sessions they were having seemed moot at that point. Who wants to forgive a man who was having multiple overlapping affairs without condoms, in church parking lots and while you were pregnant?

Hell, when the mistress count was 2 or 3 I was all on the “Get the money, girl” train. It made perfect sense for Elin to renegotiate her pre-nup and take that 5 million dollar lump sum. Why leave all of that money on the table when your husband embarrassed you in such a public way and betrayed your marriage with so many women. It made since to stay and hit him where it hurts.

But when the count begin to increase and all the other tidbits came out regarding Tiger’s sexual proclivities, add in the porn stars and there was no amount money that could buy back the level of embarrassment, health risks, and sheer disrespect Tiger heaped on his wife and family. We obviously don’t know what she’s going to do, but I have definitely retired my “Get that money girl,” stance. My attitude now is that she should get out and get out fast.

At some point your self respect is worth more than any dollars that may fall your way and if Elin stayed now she’d look like a complete an utter fool. Three means get revenge, then bounce. Ten means leave as soon and as quickly as possible. But most of us aren’t married to multi-millionaires where we stand to make out quite nicely in the even to of a divorse.

So the question is: When is enough enough?

When does cheating go from forgivable indiscretion to hit the road jack?

What is your breaking point?

Posted by Brown Sugar at 1:04 am Tagged with: , , , ,

Do You Want a Wedding? Or Do You Want a Marriage?

Marriage & Family No Responses »
Oct 262009


AA BrideThere’s a lot of hemming and hawing in the black blogsphere as well as in the mainstream media on how impossible it is for a black woman to get married (I’d argue it’s a self fulfilling prophecy, but that’s another post for another day). But one question I think black women should ask themselves if it’s a marriage they really want or is it a wedding?

I watch “Say yes to the Dress” and other wedding shows. And to me it always seems that the women have every detailed planned for their wedding, down to the color of the flowers going in the flower girls’ headpiece, but I wonder if they have put that much planning into their actual marriages.

I know plenty of black women who have every detail of their wedding planned, yet they have no man. I know women who were obsessing over wedding magazines, but had never had a conversation with their future spouse over how the finances are going to be handled. There are couples who spend tens of thousands of dollars on a wedding and all of its surrounding events, but have yet to have a conversation how many children they are going to have, if any.

A wedding is a day. A marriage (ideally) is a lifetime. If you don’t want to end up in the divorce statistics, you should spend more time planning for your marriage and less planning for a day that is more for the wedding guests then the couple getting married.

Here is a list of 20 questions you should ask before you get married. If you look at the list and realize you haven’t asked even half of these questions then you know the least of you concerns is the perfect color fo your bridesmaids’ dresses:

Question 1: What percentage of our income are we prepared to spend to purchase and maintain our home on a monthly or annual basis?

Question 2: Who is responsible for keeping our house and yard cared for and organized? Are we different in our needs for cleanliness and organization?

Question 3: How much money do we earn together? Now? In one year? In five years? Ten? Who is responsible for which portion? Now? In one year? Five? Ten?

Question 4: What is our ultimate financial goal regarding annual income, and when do we anticipate achieving it? By what means and through what efforts?

Question 5: What are our categories of expense (rent, clothing, insurance, travel)? How much do we spend monthly, annually, in each category? How much do we want to be able to spend?

Question 6: How much time will each of us spend at work, and during what hours? Do we begin work early? Will we prefer to work into the evening?

Question 7: If one of us doesn’t want to work, under what circumstances, if any, would that be okay?

Question 8: How ambitious are you? Are we comfortable with the other’s level of ambition?

Question 9: Am I comfortable giving and receiving love sexually? In sex, does my partner feel my love for him or her?

Question 10: Are we satisfied with the frequency of our lovemaking? How do we cope when our desire levels are unmatched? A little? A lot? For a night? A week? A month? A year? More?

Question 11: Do we eat meals together? Which ones? Who is responsible for the food shopping? Who prepares the meals? Who cleans up afterward?

Question 12: Is each of us happy with the other’s approach to health? Does one have habits or tendencies that concern the other (e.g., smoking, excessive dieting, poor diet)?

Question 13: What place does the other’s family play in our family life? How often do we visit or socialize together? If we have out-of-town relatives, will we ask them to visit us for extended periods? How often?

Question 14: If we have children, what kind of relationship do we hope our parents will have with their grandchildren? How much time will they spend together?

Question 15: Will we have children? If so, when? How many? How important is having children to each of us?

Question 16: How will having a child change the way we live now? Will we want to take time off from work, or work a reduced schedule? For how long? Will we need to rethink who is responsible for housekeeping?

Question 17: Are we satisfied with the quality and quantity of friends we currently have? Would we like to be more involved socially? Are we overwhelmed socially and need to cut back on such commitments?

Question 18: What are my partner’s needs for cultivating or maintaining friendships outside our relationship? Is it easy for me to support those needs, or do they bother me in any way?

Question 19: Do we share a religion? Do we belong to a church, synagogue, mosque or temple? More than one? If not, would our relationship benefit from such an affiliation?

Question 20: Does one of us have an individual spiritual practice? Is the practice and the time devoted to it acceptable to the other? Does each partner understand and respect the other’s choices?

Posted by Brown Sugar at 11:09 am Tagged with: , , , ,

Looking for a Husband? Date Marraige Minded Men

Marriage & Family 1 Response »
Jul 202009


In Tell him to “Put a Ring  On It” I briefly mentioned the need to date marriage minded men if marriage is your goal.

This should be a no brainer when you’ve decided that you want more than a casual relationship, but for too many of us it’s not. Somehow we meet a guy, think he’s great and decide to ignore the fact that he said, “Well, I’m not looking for anything serious right now.”

Then we act all surprised when not only won’t he “put a ring on it,” he won’t “put a title on it,” either.

It’s time we stop with the insanity. Brandon St. Randy had a post up talking about the Indian way of marriage, where arranged marriages are still the norm and the more “progressive” dating process involves folk dating a few months before they walk down the aisle (or around the fire).

While I’m not sure full on arranged marriages are the way to go, I do believe there is a happy medium between arranged marriages and the western style of dating that will have you dating someone for years and still not sure if they’re the one for you.

The only point of dating is to find your future spouse. Not to end up in a perpetual pseudo marriage, only to have it end in heartbreak and pain when it doesn’t work out and then to start all over again. Honestly, if you’re a woman over 25 who wants to be married and have kids, then you should be dating with a purpose and not wasting your time on anyone who isn’t on the same page you’re on.

You have to be  mercenary when dating, eliminating men on the first date who don’t meet your standards, share your values or goals.

Throw the “normal” dating rule out of the window.

Ask all of the “rude” first date questions on a first date.

If he isn’t giving the answers you’re looking for, then keep it moving. You don’t have time to waste on a guy who doesn’t want the same things you want. I guarantee when you give your daatng a purpose you will feel so liberated. You will alleviate the stress associated with dating, guessing whether a man is into you or not, and waiting for him to decide your future for you.

And that’s an important point. Too often we let men determine the pace and future of our relationship lives. We wait for him to choose us as a potential date, girlfriend, wife. This can lead to disastrous results as some women spend years, decades even with men who have no intentions of proposing, even though they desperately want to be wife.

If you take control of your dating life by only dating marriage minded men then you eliminate all of this waiting around, hoping and praying for him to chose you. You all will choose each other and the relationship will be that much stronger for it.

Next Up: Brown Sugar’s Mercenary Dating Guide

Posted by Brown Sugar at 10:49 am Tagged with: , , , , , , , ,

Smart Women Marry for Money

Marriage & Family, Sex & Relationships 5 Responses »
Mar 312009


Black women and marriage are consistently a hot topic online and off. However much of the topic tends to be on the low marriage rates among black women and not on the reasons and they type of men black women should marry. While there are many reasons women should marry, when it comes to black women, marriage and the factors that go into such a decision, money is definitely one the many factors for marriage that need to be discussed.

Money and sex happen to be the number 1 and number 2 reasons for divorce in this country, yet they are also the two things folk like to pretend aren’t that important in a relationship. I’ve already made it clear that I think sex is a relationship deal breaker and to that I will add that a woman who doesn’t evaluate her future spouses earning potential is a plum fool. And no, this isn’t about marrying solely for money…any woman who does so will earn every penny of it…but it is about recognize that your choice in souse will be one of the most important financial decision you make.

We’ve all been weaned on fairytales and Hollywood fantasies where love conquers all, but last time checked the chick in the fairytale was marrying a prince and rarely does a Holllywood movie leave people broke and happy. And before anyone decides to tell me how their parents and grandparents were married for twenty-five years and were happy as a lark, I will say that may be true (doubtful but true), but I promise you they didn’t want to struggle. They may have made the best with the hand that was dealt them, but I guarantee that no one wants to struggle. No one says, “Hey can I have a helping of struggle with a side of stress and despair please,” as they are starting off in life.

A man’s earning potential is one of many factors that has to be evaluated before marriage can be considered. Like it or not this is still a patriarchal society we live in. Women still get paid less for similar work, can still hit the glass ceiling in corporate America and often have to choose between being a mommy and having a high powered career. We still ask the question can women have it all and as long as we’re asking the question the answer is a resounding NO…at least not at the same time. There’s a reason why medical schools and law schools are rough;y 50% female, yet when you look at hospitals and law firms across the country they aren’t reflective of that fact. Many high earning women marry high earning men and once the children show up their careers take a backseat.  Even many of those who continue to work do so on a part-time basis.

And even if you want to continue your career then you’re going to have to have  appropriate child care and that costs quite a bit of money as well. Either way you turn the need to make a smart financial choice in a spouse (for those who want marriage) is absolutely necessary.  This idea that he’s a “good man” but he’s barely making above minimum wage is a joke. He may be a good man, but he is not ready to be a husband. Basic test: if a man is not in a position to provide the basics for a family – food, clothing and shelter – then he is not ready to be married. Date him, enjoy his company, but think long and hard  before you say “I Do.” Contrary to popular belief love does not conquer all,  however it does grease the divorce proceedings quite nicely.

Posted by Brown Sugar at 10:09 am Tagged with: , , , , ,

Why Marriage is a Bad Deal for Women

Marriage & Family 5 Responses »
Mar 262009


I fundamentally believe marriage is a bad deal for women. aa-wedding

Ultimately when it comes to Holy Matrimony women get the short end of the stick and if the divorce rates are any indication (75% of divorces are initiated by women) then I’m not alone in thinking this. The main reason why divorce is horrible for women is that the institution hasn’t changed much from the times when women were viewed as property of first their fathers and then their husbands.

Nowadays (many) men still have the expectation that their wives will still be June Cleaver (Homemakers for those who don’t get the Leave It to Beaver reference) and they will be providers and protectors. However, women are also taking on those roles as well, but still expected to do their “wifely” duties. Basically with the aid of the Women’s Movement, women took on more responsibility and didn’t get much in return.

At least under the old system it was understood that women took care of home and men made the money to care for the family. Not always the ideal situation for women, but at least a more equitable distribution of labor and responsibility. Now many men balk at the idea of a stay at home wife and have every expectation that their wives contribute to the bills and still manage to throw down in the kitchen, take care of the kids (and him) and still do gymnastics in the bedroom.

Really?

Really, Really?

Too many men I meet expect their women to be like their over worked mommas and grandmamas who’s only thought was taking care of home and her dependents (including her husband). Well, I’m sorry to disappoint, but I’m no mule. If a man wants a maid (or his momma) then he needs to hire won or better yet, marry her. I refuse to be run ragged made to beleive that a real woman can juggle home, marriage, career and kids and do it all with a smile and in three inch heels. That’s a fantasy, a bill of goods, a lie that “modern” women have been fed over the years and somehow have swallowed as truth. And if more women were honest with themselves they’d know it was a lie too.

The other deal with me and marriage is that too many women I know seem to lose their identity once they say “I do.” They become wives and mothers but self seems to get lost along the way. Also many women become shells of their former vibrant, intelligent selves. Not always, but often. I know several happy marriages and those couples tend to fall into one of two categories, which also happens to be the only times I believe marriage is worthwhile for a woman:

1. The man makes enough money to care for the family only on his income. Whether the wife is working or not she knows that she and the kids will be well taken care of. If she is working then her income goes to savings, help pay down debt, vacations, etc. The point is it won’t take two incomes to live comfortably and their will be sufficient funds to outsource housework (i.e. get a maid) if need be, freeing up time to be with each other and the kids.

2. A true egalitarian relationship. I know some marriages that are true partnerships. They are equally involved in making their lives together work. There is no “His” and “Her” work, the husbands do as much housework and child rearing as their wives. They work out the bills in a way that works well for them and because no one spouse is being overworked they still have plenty of time for each other.

I know many folk who balk at one and while many people hope for two that is rarely how it works out. I’ve seen enough marriages through friends and family across socio-economic lines to know that many “typical’ marriages mean a lot of work for women with too few benefits. And please don’t talk to me about love and companionship because those can happen without a ring and too often seem to last longer when you don’t say “I do.”

I think too often, we as women idealize marriage and make it about what we hope it to be instead of what it really is. I think many women should probably take a hard look at the institution before they dive in and make sure that what they want and are expecting to get out of marriage is really what they are going to get. Like I said, 75% of divorces are initiated by women, so there is something about marriage that’s not working for the fairer sex, a fact no one really talks about when we focus so much on getting that ring.

Posted by Brown Sugar at 1:12 pm Tagged with: , , ,
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