So What Makes a Good Black Man?
“I’m a good Black man.” A friend of mine said to me in the car one day. He was auditioning to be my bed buddy this particular night and this was our first official almost date. 
I didn’t respond. I remember thinking, whatever his next words were going to be were going to piss me off in the same manner his declaration that he only liked “red girls” already had.
“I’m a good Black man,” He says again. “I’m in school, I have a job and I don’t have any kids.” He continued will a heavy amount of pride and arrogance in his voice.
So, I thought. All you need to be a good black man is to be in school (he was working on a masters), have a job and not have any kids?
Really?
Last I checked those were minimum basic requirements. Apparently I was wrong. As a fellow colleague of a homegirl of mine said, “As long as black men aren’t walking around spreading feces on their face their deemed exceptional.”
That made me laugh, but her point was that a reasonable articulate black dude, who has gone and taken some college classes (optional) and is gainfully employed is considered a “good” man.
And it’s true. I’ve heard so many women say to their girlfriends, “Girl you should keep him. He’s a good black man.”
Mind you he good be barely employed, have a couple of kids by a couple of women, be somewhat articulate, but as long as he’s employed and hasn’t been in the criminal justice system then he’s a-okay.
Usually the determination of a black man being “good” involves a combination of the following:
1. College educated
2. Not college educated but
3. Employed
4.Doesn’t have kids or
5. Has kids but takes care of them
If the man in question has any three of the five he’s deemed good and definitely marriageable and therefore worth holding on to for dear life.
But I’m with Chris Rock when it comes to this kind of thinking: When did we start giving brothers cookies for doing what they’re supposed to do?
Last I checked any of the five above are minimum basic requirements. Those are just starting points where I might be willing to listen to your pitch as to why I should even think about giving you my number. And in my world, college educated is a must and it’s not good enough for you to just be employed. You need a career, not just a job.
Why, as black women, are we willing to accept so little. I know plenty of men who offer the bare minimum in the way of the five above, yet walk around like they’re the best thing since sliced bread; that I should be grateful that they took the time to bless me with their presence.
Yeah. Okay.
Too many sisters won’t accept anything less than greatness in other aspects of their life, but when it comes to men, as long as they’re not spreading feces on their face, then who cares if they don’t have much to offer. The minimum will do.
These low expectations we place on black males aren’t a good thing. We handicap them from birth and have too many believing mediocrity is greatness. And for those who are truly great, too often their attitude is so horrendous because they buy into their own hype, you don’t want to be bothered with them.
Enough is enough already. Anytime I hear a brother proclaim how he’s a “good black man,” I just roll my eyes. I know the next words out his mouth are usually, “but I can’t find a good black woman.”
Translation: I can’t find a woman who will live up to my unrealistic expectations even though I’m hardly bringing any of those qualities to the table myself.
So the next time a brother tells you he’s a, “good black man,” call him on it. Ask him what makes him so good. If all he can give you is the minimum basic requirements let him know you don’t give your cookies to guys simply because they do what their supposed to do.
“I don’t really think we can sum up what makes a good black man though as surely it has to be a wide range of qualities. the top ones would be…working..Loving…a listener…practical…down to earth…and always there.” I absolutely believe that this is true and I’m honored to say that God has blessed me with a wonderful Christian Haitian-American man. You know you have a good man when he puts his focus into doing only things that are acceptable within the sight of God. Everything he does is without expectation, selfless, wise, and patient however persistent and most of all reflecting God’s love through his actions not the words he speaks. The question is a matter of where his focus is, and what motivates him to do it, and how he treats others along the “journey”. A Christian man is wise to know to be patient and proactive in demonstrating His love to his loved ones.
Motivation to do what’s truly necessary to establish a family, being a genuine loving (tender when necessary) husband, remembering to put the relationship in the highest standards when it comes to respect as well as up-most honesty, sacrifices selflessly, puts aside pride that causes him to withhold love. This is just to name a few traits that BOTH partners need to uphold in their relationship.
Ladies, this is a truly interesting question. I don’t really think we can sum up what makes a good black man though as surely it has to be a wide range of qualities. the top ones would be…working..Loving…a listener…practical…down to earth…and always there.
I am glad that I have found this blog, I’ll be checking back regularly. I do hope that you and your readers will visit me too because I am seeking Educated bloggers to write or duplicate their articles over at http://blackpresence.co.uk
If you would be interested in writing articles for us please contact Phil
wow, reading this really opened my eyes. I never noticed on how little we require from men to qualify them as a good black man. im def going to be passing this article on to my friends
I swear you couldnt have said this any better. Thank you very much for the honesty, truth and insight i tell my girls this all the time but i get called ungrateful because i should be happy with my good black man…
Love this post and will be sharing it with my readers.
Bless…
“I can’t find a woman who will live up to my unrealistic expectations even though I’m hardly bringing any of those qualities to the table myself.”
Here, here! Or, “I can’t find a woman who will live up to my unrealistic expectations and put up with my huge ego and disrespectful antics”.
I don’t totally fault sistas for promoting this behavior in men. Alot of us were constantly cajoled for ‘not giving a brotha a chance’ and to ‘lower our standards’, ‘stop being saditty’ etc. So we got along to get along. But you’re absolutely right, it needs to stop.
I agree with inconsistent.
Right on, Brown Sugar.
This is interesting.
I have dated outside of my ethnicity. Some disagree with it, others realize it for what it is.
I remember in undergrad not getting any attention of the sisters in school until I had my Philipino girlfriend down for a weekend. THEN I got all the negative attention. And I am sure that there was a suitable and available young lady with whom I could enjoy, but that didnt matter…I try to be one of those people that does not see color.
That is a difficult statement, I know. Looking at the subject, it really IS hard to please some of these sisters these days. Even when i was living in DC, the sisters would look at me with the ‘ you aint shit’ attitude, and then give me the fierce side-eye when I looked past them and continued on my way.
The whole…he has to at least have a job and no prison record thing…why do I have to submit my resume to just say hi? In fact, I think it is only fair that I ask YOU for a resume, credit history, ambition etc.
I take a narrow view. Having been on the receiving end of the ‘angry’ black woman rant. I am somewhat appologetic to this.
But in response to your question of calling him on it.
Why…we already have to dress as if we are going to the office to go out at night. And then we have to do a monkey dance in order to say hi…stop taking yourselves so seriously.
That is my two sense.
It’s not a matter of submitting your resume. It’s a matter of believing that because you come with the basics, job-education (or not)-no kids, that I’m supposed to do a tap dance to be with you. Brothers with professional degrees tend to be the worst…many (not all) approach as if I should feel thankful that they are giving me the time of day. That always makes me laugh. There’s nothing “angry” bout the post. Other groups of women expect their men they may marry to be the best, no reason why we shouldn’t either.